How to Pause, Stop and Delete an outdated relationship? (He Said She Said Magazine Jan'09)

The ordeal of poisoned hearts!
Relationships come in all different shapes and sizes; there are the ones that last for life, others that cause nothing but a swirl of torments and some that pass by anonymously without a trace! It’s in the second type where the heart finds its poison and anguish. You know it when you’ve given someone and the sake of being with her/him your best shot and ended up defeated in a battle you should have won and bathed in its glory. But as the wind always blows in the wrong direction, we are supposed to resist and find our own way to the right side. Those words are nicely said but hardly ever done. We need factual to implement and steps to follow to rise up from the heartache everyone is destined to experience. And so my dearly beloved, I hereby promise to provide you with nothing but 100% tested tips on how to rescue your poisoned heart, all of which have been tried humans before!

A. How to pause the existing relationship?Pausing your relationship is a very serious step, which is only meant to happen when you feel something’s not right about your love life.
To pause your relationship you have to:
1. Be frank with yourself about your needs and wants from any relationship you might embark.
2. Evaluate your current relationship as well as your partner and see if they both measure up to your essentials.
3. Take some time off from your partner; you need to try life on your own first in order test your feelings away from his/her spell.
Intermission: By following those steps, you have consulted both your heart and mind. Now it’s your call whether to continue with the relationship or move on to the next step and stop.
4. If the fact that you’re still reading is of any indication, I’d say that you decided to stop. But first you need to specify the reasons why you’re calling it quits and be serious about them. Meaning that no matter what, it’s impossible to give your needs up.

B. How to stop an overly done relationship?You made it perfectly clear that you want to end this relationship, but only to yourself! Now, comes the most difficult part, informing your partner about your firm decision.
To stop your relationship you have to:
1. Make a decision on where will the confrontations take place, at your home, at a café or over the phone!
2. Organize your thoughts and your reasons why you need this relationship to stop.
3. Listen to your partner defense, even if you’re mind is set, don’t ever deny her/him that right.
4. Never make a promise to stay friends because no matter how mature or conscious you are, you might fall for her/him again or worse! You might be giving your partner a false hope of winning you over. Accordingly, you’ll both need time to heal before you can be around each and not get hurt!

C. How to delete the outdated relationship?Stopping your relationship yourself doesn’t make it any less painful. Thus, like everyone else, you need to let go and move one.
To delete your relationship you have to:
1. Express your agony outwards not on yourself. Instead of weighting it on your nerves or health, put it out in words, in music, in drawing or even in sweating.
2. Embrace yourself. You are as much responsible for the failure of this relationship as your partner. Take this time to reflect on yourself and work on your negatives.
3. Focus on the bad sides of that relationship. I know it’s uncommon but learning that you’re better off without it makes the letting go hundred times easier.
4. Refuse to talk about it to people if talking doesn’t help heal your wounds.
And finally; adopt this slogan as your life motto; if you know your worth, never settle for less.

Danger Alert! Someone has an eye for my man! (Feb'09 Insight magazine)

As young ladies, we swore to always stick together, help each other out and never let a guy come in between. But that didn’t last long; did it? He managed to get in the way, picked out his favorite girl, leaving the other heartbroken and reeks of insecurity. Then the shattered girl stands up; finds herself another friend who swears to never let a guy come in between. Yet once again, another he shows up, crush their sacred bond with his charming smile and fraud promises leaving the other girl crippled for life!

While witnessing the recurrence of the exact same story over and over again, all I could think about is that it’s no surprise women’s rivalry is that obvious! We’ve been fouled, manipulated and used by each other before men did. The hard to miss insecurities had already formed a blinding fold unto our hearts, minds and souls. And this is how women’s properties have become an easy catch for their fellow others, nothing is off-limit! Properties can range from earrings to men, as long as they can get them, they want them, end of story!

It’s a completely different scene when two women are competing to win the heart of a man than when a woman is trying to steal YOUR man! It happens all the time, to every woman regardless of her beauty, delicacy or femininity.
Now you can be all about I’m irreplaceable and no one can mess with me, or be willing to open your eyes, watch whoever is aiming at your man and act fast before you’re hit with a mistress in your face!

Regardless of the fact that you might be seeing your man as a jerk who owns nothing but flaws, there are definitely other women who perceive him as the perfect man. So, let’s pick their brains for a moment here and learn the reasons why they would want your man?!

1. When a woman reaches a certain stage of desperation, she adopts some behavior trends and attitudes that she would not normally do. Thus it becomes her thing to flirt with any guy, dress in a ridiculously revealing way, do spontaneous shocking actions to steal the attention and tip off sexual notions in any context. And it’s too obvious for women only, men on the other hand are much distracted with watching to analyze any of this. So, she might not be after your man specifically, she’s after any man who can get her out of the desperation hole.

2. Committed men in general whether faithfully or traitorously posses this weird vibe that attracts the single ladies. Exactly like the forbidden fruit, he’s mysterious, tempting yet out of reach. As if their wedding bands scream out, I’m a rare breed of men, I can commit! And by looking at the previously mentioned issues women have with disloyalty, for them these men are worth the trouble and the compromise.

3. You are the reason why your man is being eyed! You are too beautiful, too sexy, too feminine, and too perfect to be true that women out of jealousy and most probably your snobbish attitude wants to break you. They want to prove they can steal your man off your wrist and thus smash your perfection!

4. I don’t believe in platonic friendships but before you disagree with me, let’s picture your husband working with a single vibrant woman 5 days a week, 8 hours each day. It’s inevitable that they’ll be friends, he will be her confidant who will lend her both of his ears when she needs to vent out about the cruel that is life! I’m not saying that your man is unfaithful or that every coworkers must end up in bed. But as I always say, affairs begin when only the photogenic side of the person is displayed! Your man can’t be rude to her as he is to you, he can’t tell her he doesn’t have time for this nonsense and certainly he can’t yell at her. Accordingly, she thinks of your man as the only sane male left on this earth, can you blame her now?!

Trust comes out as the sole relationship breaker or maintainer; some would say that as long as I trust him, I don’t need to worry about who is eyeing him. But if I don’t, out of his previous slips, my insecurities or the fact that I know what other women are capable of then goodbye to sleep and hello eye bags!
What I usually do in such circumstances is that I first watch how he reacts around her, does he notice she’s coming on to him, is he enjoying it or is he breaking her desperate vibes and not because I’m just there?!

Every woman knows her man inside out; she can tell you instantly if he’s a flirt or an honest man. But sometimes because she doesn’t want to believe that he can betray her this easy, she’ll deny it until it happens right in front of her!

So let’s say it did happen, you spotted the b^$# who wants your till- this- moment- faithful man. You have one decision to make first before taking action, either to bring it up to his attention that another woman is craving him, which of course serves his ego right, or zip it so you can secretly take matters into your own hands.

For now, let’s just say that you decided to keep this matter to yourself, then, you have two options:
a. fiercely look back at her many times to let her know you noticed her nasty behavior.
b. If she’s someone you know, express that you’re uncomfortable with the way she acts around your man and that if she keeps on acting that way then you can no longer be friends.

That’s the as far as your dealing with the intruding woman goes, now over to the first option where you decided to tell him about the incident. As a rule of thumb, never ever never yell at him or accuse him for something he never did and turn his life into a nightmare just because you’re jealous. Be smart; entice him, love him more, upgrade yourself the way your man likes, listen to his wants and needs and be there for him like you never did. Then laugh about it together, you are the one who should fulfill his ego not anyone else, compliment him, tell him how blessed you are to have him in your life, all of course should be dosed up to scale so as not to turn him into a peacock. Taking extra care of your man is something that you should do whether you chose to tell him or not. Because if you start with the whys, how’s and the whole accusation fiesta then you’ll definitely lose him, if not for the woman you spotted, he’ll end up with another one and you don’t want that!

It’s hard to play happy on the outside when you’re all worried on the inside, I should know, I’ve been there, but it takes work, wittiness and wisdom to make any relationship work. If you want him and you are utterly confident that he is worth all that then don’t slug off so as not to suffer with the what if’s for the rest of your life.

The 33 Relationship truths no one will ever tell you

It’s always hard to avoid the inevitable, let alone give in to the faulty snobbishness of knowing the right thing to do. As there is the straw that broke the camel’s back, there’s also the one who added that extra fatal burden. It’s true that no one was born a relationship wizard for those who are now, certainly had their share of heartaches. The problem is that it’s not easy to find people who are willing to admit their failures; they can blame them on bad luck or their partners at best! But there are only a few who are guaranteed to share with you, not only the faults, but the blunders that led to those pit falls. Who are those one of a kind honest people? Actually, for now it’s only me, but since it’s my Relationship Rewired finale, I wanted to give you something special.
So, hear out the major relationship truths, you need to snap right out of…

A. Opposite attracts!1. This is just another lie you or your friends might promote to not see your grumpy face.
2. Opposite may attract in physics but in relationships, similarities make life more enjoyable.
3. It’s absolutely crucial for your partner to share your interests and more importantly your beliefs, as things won’t always come down to you two. There will be kids along the way!
4. Being different from other people she/he might have known is appealing, but being different from her/him is not!
5. Life is always made easy with an understanding partner who can relate to your problems, if she/he is on the other end, how can they empathize?
6. I won’t lie to you, it might be fun, experiencing new places, meeting different people, getting introduce to different side of you, you might not have known. This is all good, in a crush/dating way but when it comes to settling down, you need someone to survive with, pull you up not in all directions!

B. You have to be in love 24/7!7. Come on! You know better than this, imagine having to eat honey every day, eventually, it’ll lose both its sweet taste and alluring charm.
8. This has nothing to do with reality for it takes no genius to realize that the more you contact each other, the more you clash!
9. Where’s the fun in that? The bad is intended to be there, not to make our lives worse, but to help us appreciate and long for the good sides as well.
10. It’s at the most difficult situations and the hideous fights when you get to discover the real, unraveled version of your partner. Only then you can decide whether the relationship is worth putting up with the ugly face or not!
11. That’s movie love and it’s named that for a reason. Everyone fights for the good time, that’s what makes a relationship worthy of your sacrifice.

C. You can always change what you hate about your partners!12. A flat out Lie! You can never change someone simply because you can’t even change yourself.
13. People can pretend to change for the person they love, but their true selves will soon out speak their love.
14. Part of being IN LOVE with someone is to love them the way they are, accept them as a package that can’t be altered.
15. When you’ve been with someone for long and you know that she/he has actually changed. It’s not that they changed because of you; it’s that you HELPED bring out the best that was already in them.
16. It’s a dream that we all have about our ONES, but unfortunately it’s what you hate to love about them that makes life magical.
17. If you’re lucky enough to witness your grandparents’ relationship, you’ll see how those once hated traits are now unseen. Not out of love, not out of surrender but because those very same hateful bits are now accustomed and worse, replaced by new ones!

D. Always speak what’s on your mind18. Almost everyone believes that using what God placed in your head is damaging to your relationship. WRONG!
19. Consider something minor as simple as wanting comfort from your one when you’re feeling down. That’s normal, it’s your right and frequent in our hectic lives. And since you refuse to your mind, you’ll stumble across her/him and literally spill out your guts regardless of their mood!
20. There’s a huge difference between honesty and cleverness.
21. Being the comfort zone for your beloved is not easy and of course it doesn’t come naturally. It takes practice to learn when it’s your time to talk and when you should shut up!
22. Speaking what’s on your mind is your granted right that no one can deny you, but it’s when and how you should exercise that right that will get you the best feedback you’ll ever need.
23. One of life’s most hurtful truths, you can’t control anyone even controlling yourself is most of the times hard to muster.

E. You’ll realize right away that this is the one!24. I wish life was that kind. Most people are blinded by the sparks and the desperation for love that they take the first heart beat as a sign.
25. There’s no ONE, there’s no SOULMATE, not because they don’t exist but because the older you get, the more the standards upon which you evaluate your “one” changes.
26. You have to open your mind to many opportunities and different people in order to set your standards right. After which you’ll be blessed with someone completely the opposite of who you wished to be with.
27. ANYONE who can grant you love, kindness, understanding, appreciation and similar interests can be the one. But, it all comes down to chemistry.
28. You can fall in and out of love a thousand times with different ones and that just proves my point, it’s all about timing and your evaluation.

F. Exchange the one you love for the one who loves you!29. Life is too short to waist it with someone you don’t feel for.
30. There’s always the hunting What If question that you’ll forever more wonder if you don’t grant your heart its chance.
31. People like to believe that if they’re with someone who truly cherish them then that’s the ultimate happiness. However, the ultimate happiness is only found within.
32. Exchanging partners is nothing short of a rebound relationship.
33. If it’s impossible to be with the one you love, don’t torture the one soul who loves you by giving them something less that true love.

Mental Affairs

As human beings we like to believe that as long as our sins are unseen, then as far as we’re concerned, they’ve never happened! May be it is just easier that way, in the self-healing process. I mean it’ll be easier to forgive oneself as long as it’s only you who is pushing the blame button rather than the added exterior selves sharing in the guilt process. Accordingly, the defining moment where a person chooses to feel remorseful depends on his own evaluation of a situation worthy of being called a sin, which again could be very troubling or very alleviating.

It all starts when the going gets an itsy bit rough. Like in every relationship, it could be a fight, a misunderstanding or utter boredom that gets your mind working for other possibilities. In that very moment, which by the way everyone refuse to label as cheating, one finds his peace. But sadly that peace comes with someone else! We’ve all been there; the only difference is that some of us might dismiss the thought immediately while others cave in for the temporary joy.
The reason why all of us hate to refer to those moments as cheating is because there’s no physical action to prove it. It’s all just a bunch of thoughts that- I want to be optimistic and say most of us- don’t want to do anything about. It’s like a relieving mechanism, to think about someone you used to know, like an old love that wasn’t meant to complete. So you give it that honor only in your head. Unfortunately not every thought goes to people you used to know, like or even love. Sometimes it’s the closeness that creates the problem!

Let me walk you through it with a story about a woman who married the love of her life. But as time went by unconditionally of course, inviting the unwanted routine, she- unaware of it- got attached to chatting with a co-worker. And like every such story, it all happened every time she had a fight with her husband or was simply complaining about his diminishing interest in her. Now, I don’t know if the other man’s intentions where pure or not, but he started talking about how special she is and you know the drill. But she being a good woman as she is, it finally hit her that she was sharing her inner most thoughts and concerns with someone else other than her man, so she had to go cold turkey and get rid of that addiction. Despite the fact that she switched departments and got over him entirely, she still refuses to call what happened back then “cheating”. Her explanation is that she was going through some horrible time; he was there to comfort and nothing more.

Apart from me believing that no good could come from a man and a woman spending too much time together even as friends, this was cheating. Whether it happened while awake or daydreaming, it still counts as betrayal. For if ever I learnt that my partner had someone else in mind, even if for a split of a second, I would be devastated and I’m thinking so would he. So let’s just be thankful that our minds are the only places where no one, no matter how good they are, can go into without knocking!

However, all jokes aside, it is a serious matter that we all do at some point during the day where we turn into what ifs. How different my life would be if I married x instead of y? Or in severe cases what if I was never married?!

Thus it would be much more appropriate to invest the time spent wondering in the relationship itself. But first you got to move as far away as possible from the source of distraction whether physically or mentally. In other word, distract yourself from the distraction! Second you must, absolutely must, spend some time reflecting on the reason that pushed you this far. Then, comes the final step, where you get to talk with your partner to implement the necessary changes.
Although the solution seems so simple, tucked into these small lines, talking about it is easier said than done. For temptations lay everywhere and with the aid of the factor that is tough relationships, you do the math. Only this is the type of thing you have to consistently fight and push away. It’s hard having to go through those steps every time you sense a mental affair is about to hit. But if this is the kind of effort you have to exert to keep a relationship you want, then it’s worth the trouble. Just keep one thing in mind, the more you love your partner, the easier it’s to let go of any crawling disruptions.