Truths men will never admit to

(Published in Euphoria Magazine, January 2010 issue)

Treat people the way you want to be treated is a falsy statement. Especially when those people are of different gender, opposite gender, that agree on being different and depart on being the same. The thing is with men it is not only exclusive on ambiguity, but with the fact that they crave mysteriousness, they seek being the player no single woman will ever own. Whether they are in fact that mercury-painted creature or wannabe's, they all are addicted to the rush of it. Do men want commitment? Do they have blood in their veins? Are they capable of feeling? Why are men the way they are? Why are they rude? Insensitive? Polygamists? Why do they have all sort of excuses for sex? Angry sex, make-up sex, I'm bored sex, etc... Why does sex seem to be the only thing on their minds?
You see, women get puzzled easily, that's just the way they are, so they assume men are like them and want to be treated the same way and men hate the talking, that's also the way they are. But one way or another, men's truths got unwrapped, even if they'll never admit to...
1. Men are not multi-functional
Try talking to a man while working and list 2 things to get on the way home, he'll either not remember such conversation took place, confuse the tasks he has to do, and of course he won't ask you to repeat them again, or he'll get just one of them done.
Try chitchatting with a man while driving to reach an address, he'll miss the turn and accuse you of distracting him.
Try calling on a man once while playing video games, wait and wait and he'll never answer back.
At first those were nothing but observations women picked on and usually laughed about with girlfriends on sushi, but now they're classified as scientific facts about the male brain!
Men are not capable of multi-functioning, and they'll never admit that because women simply are. The male brain on the other hand is more specialized and organized in a way that enables men to focus on only one thing at a time. There are fewer connecting fibers between the left and the right hemispheres than there's in women and so they are named the critical- thinkers gender.
2. Men are not capable of facing tough situationsWhen a couple fight, it's very common to find the woman approaching the man for resolving the issue once and for all. And many women will relate to such story, and the fact that men prefer to go into hiding, disappear for a while and come up with a solution or decision on his own and not including his partner. Which of course is something women hate, they prefer talking things through and working it out together. This specific behavior confuses women because they perceive men as decisive, firm creatures who, according to women, shouldn't take much time deciding and in no way should they escape facing situations. But the truth is, men are wired to be discreet, unlike women they're more of the private gender. When men space out, they're not acting spacious, they're thinking, silently talking to themselves and planning. Try asking any man when being quite, what are you thinking of? And he'll simply answer. However, try to ask him why are you being so quite? And he'll either say no reason or I'm thinking.
3. Men are as emotional as women.Exactly a year ago, I was researching for an article about things that bring guys to tears. I was so curious to get inside their world and find if they're actually capable of tearing up to things other than the death of a dear person. And to my surprise, they happen to be as emotional as women. Dramatic movie-endings chock them up, Dealing with a challenged child break their hearts and when a cherished relationship ends, they cry! While that holds a comforting angle women can relate to, still men hide that passionate interior with more of a cold statue exterior. They manage to keep a straight face during all times, some may consider this pure intelligence, while in fact it's out of fear. Men are afraid to seem weak, defeated and heart broken. They are brought up, not only in our eastern societies, to be strong, fearless and to some extend cold hearted.
It has even been scientifically proven that men use only three out of five voice tones, the serious tone, the laughing tone and the sleepy tone only.
So, it's hard to tell what they're actually feeling, not because men are not capable of feeling, but because they can hide it very well.
4. Men are not so good with words.It's uncommon to find a man who love talking for the fun and sharing nature of it. Yet, it's very much common for women to confuse or misinterpret men's words. Because like my husband always says, women assume that men's words have hidden meanings, while men don't imply, they don't think of metaphorical words to use, men are direct, when I tell you I want to change the channel, it's not because I want to annoy you or grasp your attention, it's simply that I want to watch something else. And it's true, men are direct when it comes to their demands. Listen carefully to a man speaking and all you'll be hearing are short, constructed sentences with a simple opening, clear message and a conclusion. So, using their own method of talking, a woman can easily get through to any man by:
a. Asking directly if the time is right to talk. If it's not, then schedule another time. Men love specifics.
b. Telling him why you want to talk. Many women are frustrated with men who try to solve everything when women are only seeking them out to listen and share.
c. Sticking to the point. Use concise, unprovoking words.
d. Asking him direct questions. Don't use CAN or COULD because that way, you're only checking his ability to do something and of course he can. Instead use WILL or WOULD.
e. Never, ever, start a conversation with anyone, especially men, with YOU. Because that simply places everyone in the defensive mode and thus they start defending themselves rather than having a conversation.
f. Men are hearing specific, so when you use words like always, never, every time and only, men focus on that and start correcting the terms rather than addressing the issue itself.
5. Men easily confuse lust for love.Since eve's primal attempts to decode men, it's been quite obvious that men love sex, they seek sex, evaluate women's beauty according to their sex appeal and can only express love by sex. While men are also stereotyped as commitment phobes, they so weirdly base the success or failure of a certain relationship on how much they're physically attracted to a woman. Accordingly, they confuse lust for love and emotional attraction. That's why it's men take more time to decide whether to commit or not, because they fear that their decision might not be based on true emotions rather a temporary rush of testosterone.
6. Men are polygamists by concept.
The way men view sex is completely different from a woman's point of view. To them sex is not that sacred, it's an instinct, a desire, a flame within that needs to be put out once in a while. It has nothing to do with love. They don't have to love a woman, agree with her ideas or even like her to sleep with her, they just have to be physically attracted to her. For women, sex is sacred, it's a big deal, a woman can never make love to a man she's not emotionally connected to, unless it's her job or she'd forced to do so. May be that explains a lot on why women can't easily forgive men for cheating, it's not only the physical part that's hurting them, it's the fact that her own man has been attracted emotionally to another woman. While men go crazy over the fact that women can't understand that it was just sex. Because for women, it's never just sex.

Stages of love & relationship 2, Why problems happen in your relationship? (Euphoria Dec'09)

Beginnings are said to be invigorating, filled with undefeated wills, invincible determinations and endless unexplainable joys. Then doubts arise, questioning those wills and determinations, and shattering joys into million pieces until they lose configuration. But with a little more faith and assurance, we go back to invigorations and love finds its proper way back.
So, currently you're going on exclusively steady, with no more supplementary dates because you don't need to see other options. Now you're sure you've met the one. Yet, as smooth as you wished things would continue to go, problems blossomed out of nowhere. You are confused. Did I choose wrong? Did my partner change? Have I changed? Why are we suddenly having all those problems?!
You know how people say time is capable of solving the mother of mysteries. And how mysteries signify all that is dark, can't be clearly spotted and hard to interpret?
Time is where you as a couple stand, right in the middle of commitment. And the mysteries that are being disclosed are both the human nature of you and your partner.
What happens is as you move deeply further into the relationship, both of you start to open up, talk and act completely free. There are no restrictions, no topic off the table, you no longer only share the good sides rather you share everything. Thus, problems arise as you discover each other's essences, morals and viewpoints. So, the fact that two different people are merging together alone is enough for anyone to have momentary clashes.
Other things that can cause problems between the two of you have much to do with the way you treat and get treated by your partner. Take a look…
1. Trying to change each other
The biggest mistake anyone can do is to not accept their partners the way they are. Because change cannot be enforced on people, they've to have that fire for change in them, or else it'll create constant dissatisfaction and accordingly disappointment arrives on your side as well as a firm sense of unworthiness your partner will easily detect from you. If, after you've discovered each other, you can't cope with his/her flaws, just let them be. Don't play the preacher's role and torment each other any longer.
2. Trying to control each other
While brainstorming for this point, I was astonished by how undecided I was when trying to answer who is more of a control freak, men or women? And after going through some of the problems couples sent me, I realized that it's a tie!
Women, whilst being the nurturing mothers they are, overlook the fact that men aren't their children. They can't keep on guiding them, correcting their every breath and monitoring their behavior. Men, on the other side, tend to treat women like their own private property which they've to protect and keep an eye on at all times. Both leading to the same outcome, no personal space, no room for error, no chance to be free again, thus the relationship is no use.
3. Lack of apologizing
With the male ego standing in the way, I can't even begin to tell you how many women suffer from men who can't find it in them to admit they're just wrong. The symptoms for such problem may appear with the woman feeling underappreciated, unworthy, a second-degree being and weak to the core that she has to show apologetic gestures even when it's no fault of her own. Try to picture how destructive and vulnerable a woman may feel when her own man is too arrogant, stubborn and full of himself that he can't show his remorse for anything and you'll see how this alone is enough for a relationship to end.
4. Lack of empathy
To tell you the truth, empathy takes hard concentration to happen as it's against our raw nature. Empathy, in simple terms, is to put yourself in your partner's shoes most of the time. To try to feel his pain, wellness, boredom, interest, confusion, panic, every single feeling he/she expresses on you but from their perspective and point of view. Empathy is the complete opposite of selfishness, to be able to lift the focus off yourself for a while and feel for your soul mate. To try to understand where he/she is coming from will make a hell of a difference in your relationship. Because you'll be dealing with someone who can listen, appreciate, empathize and comfort you.
5. Stubbornness
Trying to have a relationship with someone who always puts your word, action and reaction against his/hers is without a doubt harshly difficult. Trying to communicate with someone spoiled, used to having his/her needs met first thing is impossible. Trying to reach a middle ground with someone who has no other grounds but the one standing on is unreachable. And what's truly defining inflexibility is being unable to tell the difference when negotiating with a man and when talking things through with a woman. At that point the man will run away once he feels he can't win and added to that emasculated. While a woman will try to make it work once, twice and even thrice but when the pushed over puppet feeling sinks in, chances are she'll too walk away.
6. Blames
If you'd ask anyone, what's the one thing annoying about your parents? They'll automatically reply, the constant blaming. No one and I mean not even toddlers like dealing with the whys and the how could you. It's like being with the anti-sinner. We all make mistakes, some of them big that requires ear pulling and some of them are just not worth it. When he calls an hour late, big deal; when she arrives half an hour late, it's what girls do. Stop it with the constant blaming so you don't lose both your credibility and your partner.
7. Expectations
You can easily tell where relationships end by pointing out when expectations begin. Yet, the truth remains that we all have expectations on how to be loved, gestured, surprised and even comforted. But there's also such a thing as loving what you get from your partner that is self-fulfilling and satisfying. Parents- children relationships are ruined forever because of expectations. People walk through life thinking they're not good enough because of expectations. Lovers believe they don't give enough because of expectations. I can't tell you to stop expecting, but I can tell you to ask instead of assume, to see your partner through your eyes and not your heart and to love and appreciate what he/she has to offer and be.
8. Pretending
Why do people pretend to be something they're not?
a. Because they aspire to be someone else but can't afford to do that right now.
b. Because they want to be a part of a world they're fascinated by but isn't for them and they don't realize that yet
c. Because they want to escape a reality they can't change
Why do people pretend to feel something they don't?
a. Because they don't want to go through the hassles of working out their original feeling. (It's easier this way)
b. Because they're opportunists
c. Because they need extra attention.
Either ways, those people will never be trustworthy or reliable partners.
9. Money Talks
I swear I've never seen a couple with messy finances happy. I've never seen a husband happy with a money-nagging wife. And I've never seen a wife happy with a husband who is cheap. That's why I always say keep money miles away from pleasure or if you have to, keep it organized and lucid. There's nothing wrong with signing papers, committing to paying a certain amount of money even when it's less that you can give and nothing is definitely wrong with being honest about your current financial status. Trust me, it'll save you hours of fighting and preserve your image as a providing man and a humble wife.
10. Shadiness
According to John Gray, men when angry, confused or panicking, tend to hide in their caves. Leaving the world behind, especially a confused partner who, according to where they stand in the relationship, might assume he's not that into her, he's no longer interested, he fell out of love with her or the most common assumption he's cheating. Acting shady more than once will definitely place your relationship in jeopardy. Starting with a partner who is tired from trying to please you or get your attention back to the foremost mentioned scenarios. Be as opened as you can be, tell her you need space and hopefully she'll understand. Tell her that you need to figure things out regarding something other than your relationship and she'll be relieved and let you be. Just start communicating instead of evaporating…

Sadness is not the opposite of Happiness!

Terrified of my man's reckless driving, I searched my Louis Vuitton bag for a stronger distraction. My fingers crippled through tens of lip glosses, two large perfume bottles, an i-pod I desperately need to get fixed and lying under my much heavy make-up bag was a book I took along in an attempt to save it from the dusty shelves of my petite library. The Zahir by Paulo Coelho. I remember rushing into Diwan's Zamalek looking for an inspiration to snitch me out of my writer's rut, when I was puzzled by the title and the fact that I related to it the moment I read;
"I'm not running away from important things, give me an example of something important."
and she replied "Writing a book."
And I remember making a firm promise to myself to finish reading this book in two weeks. A year and a half later, I find the bookmark marking page 21 where the above mentioned conversation was stated. So, I decide to make a new patch, to finish reading the Zahir before 31.12.09
As I go by reading page after page, struggling to keep my eyes strictly focused on words and off the road, I managed to get hooked and instead of bickering with my man, the one who's trying to get us killed, I found the concept of happiness quite argument-worthy.
When Esther approached her husband to announce her leaving to be a war correspondent, the argument of are you happy? popped to bring a seperate sever traffice to my mind.

I never questioned happiness, never actually tried to set a convincing definition for the state of happiness. Because to me happiness is momentary and I can't measure things up to something fleeing, let alone my life.
A child can be made happy with a brand new toy he's forevermore craved, but shortly lose interest and the happiness is gone.
Parents can be made happy with their child's impressive performance at school yet a second later worry about getting him into college.
A mother finds joy in watching her son play and move around but is terrified of his over-activity hurting him.
A wife making love to her husband, thinking it will take his mind off work burdens, to discover she only gave him countable minutes of pleasure.
A student can be made happy with college grades but still terrified of what future may hold.
More and more people experience happiness and try to sincerely hold on to it but somehow it manages to escape and be followed by worry, panic, boredom and fear. And they know it, that's why happiness is considered a life goal worthy of respect and quest. And that's why it's never found.
　
What I believe in is satisfaction. What I can talk about, what I can relate to and what I can stamp as real is satisfaction. Not because of its surreality rather its ability to be measured.
When someone is feeling down or depressed, the first thing he's advised withis to look for the bright side, the filled portion of the cup. The things you have accomplished and managed to get right and done. Are they telling him to be happy? No, they're pointing him to the direction of satisfaction. That feeling where everything else looks minor and unworthy. Where a person can measure and enumerate his life achievements. The only true scale anyone can look at and evalute his time, efforts and life choices.

I can understand when someone says, I'm not satisfied with where I am today, I'm not satisfied with the rate I'm working at to achieve my goals, I'm not satisfied with the goals I chose for my life, I'm not satisfied with my career, I'm not satisfied with my marriage and I'm not satisfied with the person I see in the mirror.
But, I can't understand when people say I'm not happy.
You're not happy because nothing around you is bringing you satisfaction or at least closer to it.
You're not happy because nothing amusing is going on around you.
You're not happy because you're disappointed with yourself and those around you.
You're not happy because you can't grasp what you aim
You're not happy because you aren't capable of enjoying the moment you're at.
You're not happy because you can't see the beauty of yourself, your life and your companions
You're not happy because happiness is momentary.
You're not happy, not because you're sad. Happiness can't be the opposite of sadness, you can't base your spirit status and mood on facial expressions.
You're not happy because you're not satisfied.

Cold War; when two girls fight over a guy (CONVO magazine)

Do you think guys are the only ones who check girls out? Nope, girls do that to, not for the same reasons of course or I hope not but it’s in those glares girls’ exchange that hold the true meaning of rivalry. They can greet one another warmly while holding on to their despise, however it’s their willingness to change to get that something/someone they desperately desire that portrays how deep they’re willing to go. Competing with an actual predator is nothing less of a science, even though it’s fun to watch, it requires a long list of phases players have to pass successfully to proceed with a game where nothing is allowed to go wrong as the only way to the exit door is through a humiliating walk of shame!

Phase 1: Look for details to get the big pictureWhen a girl likes a guy, she’s sensitive to everything he says to her, to other girls and everything other girls do around him. For that, a girl is capable of seeing the simplest gestures suggesting that another one is falling for the same guy. Even though he might not be that interested, if there’s one thing you should know about girls, it’s that once they want someone, they; one; consider him private property, two; they’ll get him by whichever means and three; they’ll keep it a secret until it happens! Now it’s time for the game to start but it’s much of a silent game at this point since neither of them is willing to sacrifice her desire, then why open up a discussion that will surely force one to step back! Preferably, keep a low profile and hope for the best!

Phase 2: Keep your friends close; keep your enemies even closer.

It’s out of question that she needs to know her potential guy first, listen carefully when he brags about his ex-conquests; memorize his likes and dislikes to be his perfect match from heaven. But that other girl requires technique, for no girl is that stupid to worry about winning a guy over and fighting with another girl at the same time, that’s a distraction! She needs to have them all on the same side. So, they must be best friends, really tight best friends. She needs to know her inside out, know her strengths and most importantly her flaws which will help with kicking her out of the picture. Thus they spend day and night together lunching, shopping, jogging and the heart-heart sessions are vital for their bonding. That’s when they get to talk about everything including him! While sharing their thoughts about the new guy, she starts throwing in some funny comments about how he’s weird and all, erasing every possibility that she might be into him. After these missions have been successfully accomplished, the fierce part of the game’s about to start. Since the other girl no longer thinks of her new best friend as an opponent so she lay off, thinking it’s only a matter of time before he asks her out but it only takes one signal to get her feeling confused and left out. It goes something like this…
G1- the guy: "You’re always like that; remember that time in high school?"
G2 (:-o): "I didn’t know you two go a long way back!
G1 calmly: Oh, no it’s just a story he told me"
Done and done…

Phase 3: The weakest always survive!Now that she’s got the other girl doubtful again, she goes acting like an innocent dove sticking to her fake best friend like glue, narrating every single detail that’s happening with her life excluding him of course, misleading her with the "you know everything" bit to keep her in the dark. But she doesn’t want that girl to divert her from her goal; hence she goes for the female most decisive weapon; her weakness. Yes, in nature the strongest survive, but in girls’ norms it is the weakest who survive!
So, it must seem like unintended, something as simple as illness, something that’s not her fault! That way she’ll get the special attention she needs along with the phone calls where he checks on her but usually turns into an all-nighter and they’ll get a lot closer. Consequently, they’ll be acting all yummy and cute since they can’t seem to stop talking about each other but it won’t be too long before the now outsider picks up on that. Feeling betrayed she’ll try to win him back but it’s too late now, he’s already hocked. And before she gets to plan her battle, she’s surprised with her soon to be ex-best friend talking to her about something she never wished to hear…
G1 (;-D): Guess what? He finally asked me out
G2 (:-o): Finally, Congrats!
G1 ;-): Thanks, I new you’d be happy for me. Go shopping today? I’ve to look good for our first date.
G2 slyly: sure. (I’m thinking something ugly!)

Surviving the winter Blues (CONVO magazine- Nov'08)

Summer seems to hold a special place in everyone’s heart; people are just more cheerful and colorful during summer months. Everyone is more alive, even when killer hot, it’s as if repulsed by their own homes, everyone's in the streets, and the city never sleeps. People just never seem to get tired- like they know they’re torturing themselves but they like it!- they’d work like crazy all morning and still manage to enjoy a late night out with friends. Every year people come to realize that it’s over much too soon and before you know it people turn grey. I guess it’s a common belief now that winter is for work and summer is for fun that once it’s autumn people split into two types; some refuse to wear heavy clothes because by that they’ll be admitting that summer is over. While others passively accept the fact and go through with the whole hibernation process even though it’s not January yet!
The Syndrome
And as the days get shorter, the cold nights get longer, announcing winter’s arrival and breaking the spirits of many. You see people walking down the streets silently depressed, hiding under their clothes, rushing to get home before it rains. For winter abolishes the sense of accomplishment in many, they feel that the day is over even before it begins, it seems like there isn’t much time to do anything thus they end up doing nothing. It’s no wonder why lots of people hate winter! It’s because of the rarely seen sun that they feel down but they’re not alone in this. For "Winter Blues" is a milder form of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) that’s a well spread syndrome affecting millions of people each year, women are more pretentious of course since men seem to be almost unaffected by anything. Though it’s not the same for everyone in terms of severity as for some people it comes in a severe depression form requiring medical care, it affects almost everyone but in milder forms. I bet you’re familiar with the "It’s too cold excuse" where we blame it all on the weather like we don’t attend early classes because it’s too cold, we can’t get out of bed because it’s too cold, can’t think because it’s too cold, gain weight because it’s too cold to exercise. But it’s weird that it’s never too cold to eat chocolates, pastas and every fattening food there is thus combining that with the no exercising policy we’ll be small cute elephants roaming the streets of Cairo!
What I won’t be telling you?!
There are many ways recommended on which you can beat up the winter blues but they’re all themed "re-live summer through winter" and I hate that! Sufferers are told to soak up as much sun as possible, listen to cheerful music, try outdoor activities, etc… It’s as if trying to teach affected people how to forget it’s winter. I don’t think that’s a solution, putting aside that I favor winter, change is the only constant thing in our lives; how on earth can we contradict that?! I understand that it’s difficult to move out of any comfort zone and that if possible we’d stay there forever. But when you accept change there’ll be a tiny possibility that you might like it, even if you didn’t summer is always around the corner which you’ll get to appreciate more now that you’ve lived through winter.
So how to enjoy winter as winter?!
Simply by accepting winter as it is because believe it or not winter has its good shinny side! You can start by picturing winter as a ladder through which you can reach whichever goal you’ve been trying to aim like loosing weight, you don’t have to wait for spring to shed the extra pounds, enjoy the fact that in winter one gets to wear coats that pretty much covers everything so get it over with before it’s summer again and if it’s still "too cold" to leave home you might as well work out there. Winter is a calm, dormant season where you can overlook your life, rejuvenate, read books, attend training sessions, grow on spiritual levels, I mean since winter is seen as a working season, you might as well benefit from that! And you can always invite friends over for a nice movie, walk in the rain and enjoy a hot cup of coffee mixed with the morning cold breeze, there’s nothing like it to take your mind off troubles.
But don’t hate winter, it’s as beautiful as summer and like the summer’s burning sun, winter has its biting cold. Enjoy winter as it is because it might not be the same next year, for no winter last forever and no spring ever skips its turn.

Have you met my 24 faces? (He Said She Said magazine- Dec'08)

To whom it may concern,
I admit I fell for the same trap once again; I fell weak to my knees and gave into my irrational heart desires.
Why do people cheat? Why are they always too blind to see? Why can't they enjoy what God bestowed upon them? Why are they hunting what others have? Why do they perceive their misery as the end of the world? And why do they assume their partners are happy? Is it all a matter of ego that makes it impossible for a man to imagine being the faulty one and it's out of question that his woman is happy?!

Selfish… he's just too selfish. He was selfish when he decided to cheat on his wife, and is selfish now to ask me to embark on this affair. Can't he see that like him, I'm not happy? That a part of me wanted this relationship just as much? I'm lonely, bored, desperate and yearning for a partner. Someone who is kind enough to donate two hours of his time. Two hours only to share my happiness, joy sadness and stress- someone to help me find a convincing reason to wake up in the morning. Someone to bring my heart beats to life; someone who can make this bitter taste go away.

You know what I really need? I need adventure, I need I need excitement, I need fun, I need compassion, I need intimacy and I need love…

I met him three months ago, at a time when life was nothing more than a rotten fruit, getting darker and filthier by the hour. I saw him this handsome man, with a sexy grin, snobbish attitude and an irresistible scent that still runs through my nose every time I recall that day. He came into my office to see my boss; his long time best friend. Every time he came, we talked a little bit more, and the more we talked, the more I learnt about his sufferings with his wife; the more I sympathized with him, the more I thought about him…

I thought of his wife and how stupid she must be to let go of such a remarkable man. I thought of him as a devoted father, who swallowed all troubles for the sake of his children. I thought of his strong arms. Those arms, his arms, I have dreams about them. I've always wanted a man with a muscular arms to hold me when I'm weak, to protect me when I'm scared, to lift me up when I'm too lazy to walk and to comfort me when I need compassion. It's almost magic when this tough, undefeatable frontier melts with a woman's touch, his woman's touch and I was turning into "his woman."

I talked, shared, vented and fell in love, yet I couldn't help but wonder what was I doing differently? Why did he find my craziness appealing but hers intolerable? Why did he enjoy spending six hours with me while dreading half an hour with her? Why did he find it pleasurable to buy me gifts but thought she was all about the money? Why did he relate to me at times when he couldn't feel where she's coming from?
She, his wife, his one-time soul mate, the mother of his children, the one who stood by him through thick and thin, the woman he has known for 12 years is unbearable?! And I, his friend's office manager, the girl he spoke with 30 minutes every week, the girl who told him only delicious facts to keep him coming for more, is his favorite?

Has he met my 24 hour faces?! Did he see me rolling and grumbling out of bed? Did he witness one of my panic attacks? Did he feel my selfishness, greediness and envy? No, all he's seen is a vibrant younger woman, always looking gorgeous like she just stepped out of a poster, always smiling, listening and acting pretentious! He fell in love with the-first-three-months-of-every-relationship version of me. But I bet that when he spends 12 years by my side he'll contact the ugly side. If I spent 12 years by his side I might as well refuse to chew that fat!

He never met me, with my 24 hour faces on; instead he captured the dream, the rush and the excitement of every new thing. He wanted an affair, a short-term relationship where happiness never dies, where lust never fails and where blindness prevails. I'm glad he only got the chance to meet the fun, sexy, crazy, wrong version of me. But if he ever decides we get married, I won't be able to pretend nor act anymore, because he'll be there every minute of every day to witness the ups and downs of my life and the faces that come along with it. Only then he'll realize that I'm no different from his wife. I'm just another human being with 24 hour faces; he just didn't wait around to see…
Sincerely yours,

Eve

Stages of love & Relationships Part 1 (Euphoria, November'09)

While our culture remains as the biggest barrier against the normal development of relationships, having the knowledge that it takes to live happily ever after is mandatory. Think about it, it's not like we're dating various people left and right and having the chance to explore, gain some experience and get to know our standards better. Actually, it's more of an acting out, I'm dating because it's forbidden and thus I'm breaking my confining rules! And if it's any consolation, instead we either bump into people by chance; meet them through arranged gatherings or the worst salvation of all, the internet. So, I chose my first article to start midway, just like our culture, by setting our commitment terms straight and then what happens next is that after talking those terms over with our potential partners, we turn around and start from stage 1:

1. The "I like what I see and hear" phase:
Before we get into that, let's set something straight first. The whole process of having a life-partner comes in two portions, there's the love part and the relationship side. Now they may not differ in their purposes, yet they vary dramatically in their speed of progress. You can say that love controls the mind while relationship controls the rationality of the situation. Thus on love terms, when meeting someone you like, you are attracted to that person on two levels, physically and emotionally. Physical attraction has much to do with the animalistic desires generated by estrogen/ testosterone hormones which indicate that you wouldn't mind getting intimate, on the physical level, with that person. Of course lusting is something entirely different from liking or falling for that someone. However, it's not uncommon for love to start with lust, where you like what you see and would like it even better if you can connect on all other levels. What happens next, if your lust isn't just temporary, is that this person becomes your object of interest. With sleepless nights tossing and turning thinking about him/her, the euphoric rush you get each time you cross paths, the infamous racing heart beats whenever you hear their names and the obsession that never subsides regardless how many times you convince yourself that you're not turning into a stalker! All of these signs mean one thing; you're emotionally attracted to that person.
Still if you wish for this relationship to be heartache free, you must know that in this stage, you abide to see your crush's flaws. You know how they say love is blind? This is perfectly true for the attraction phase. So don't rush into judgments regarding how angelic this person seems for you won't have the rational ability to think straight. Take your time getting to know him/her, but be careful not to share your secrets or private details of your life as you don't really know them all that well. Keep it candy sweet, casual, fun and talk a lot so you can decide whether if that person has the necessary potential or not.


2. The "what if there's someone better for me out there" phase:
So you've talked, shared some fun times and pretty interesting phone calls that's keeping you hooked. Now, you're scared that this is getting serious and by serious I mean sooner or later you may need to take a life changing decision, to commit or not to commit?! And I'm all with you; it's dead scary, especially for those who take relationships seriously and not just another careless attempt at love. But the problem happens when you consider this hesitation as a sign that this isn't the right person for you. Because as uncertainty happens people get divided into two segments, those who consider it as an honest insight to bad luck, while others view it as a minor turmoil they shouldn't pay attention to. And it's true, you should never pay attention to such feelings especially when everything is going fine, the person has what it takes and you certainly feel that attraction getting stronger. Hesitation comes as nothing but an expected bump along relationships. It has nothing to do with love, as long as your feelings are not moving backwards, it has more to do with the rational thinking serious relationships require.
If you feel a wave of hesitation hitting your potential special someone, don't panic, just react in a more understanding calm manner. For example, men tend to retreat for a while, after coming all too strong, they decide to cool off and pull back. When he does that, give him all the time he needs to decide and assure himself that you're Mrs. Right. Don't ruin it by chasing him and asking questions, instead leave him be and if he comes back all strong and loving, then know that he's now sure of his feelings towards you. Women, on the other hand, when hesitant expect reassurance and more care from the man's side. What he does wrong is that he expects she's just like him needs her space and so she ends up feeling unwanted. So, the bottom line is, give him space to interpret his feelings whereas give her more love to feel reassured.

3. The "I want no one but you" phase:
Now that the relationship is heading somewhere more serious and more committed, it's highly unlikely for partners to still have second thoughts, unless something alarming has come up which of course would put your progress as a couple on hold or in worst case scenarios end it!
So, let's assume that everything is moving on just perfectly, what are the things you should expect in this phase and how to handle the hassles?!
Normally, this would've been the ideal timing for you to set your standards straight with your partner. As you've thought things through and decided that you want no one but him/her which means you want exclusivity. Thus now is the time for some serious talking aside romantic moments. You should discuss your finances, future plans and your career. But no baby talk just yet; remember you're only exclusive not engaged! But because our lovely society doesn't usually allow us to go through regular relationship phases, we tend to discuss those important issues before hand to avoid another relationship stain.
Another thing that you might notice is how passion has remarkably faded. Yes you're still in love, yes, you still find each other interesting and yes, you want to be together forever. However, it's not breathtaking anymore, there're much less surprises, probably only on national holidays and events. Things just feel more normal and plain now. That's because you've settled down early, you assume that your partner is yours now; you've got your catch and why bother shedding another breath when you can relax and enjoy the company. Wrong! Take it as a rule of thumb, never stop trying to impress, never stop trying to surprise and never let things boil down to boredom. Because people aren't that easy to be tied down or taken for granted, trust me they'll just leave. Although, this phase of subsided passion is a given because of two hormones our own bodies release, Vasopressin and endorphins which promote a sense of security, well-being and peace during long-term relationships. Yet, the heart would want what it always wanted, continually invigorated passion…

To be continued,