Mr. Tortuous... You're nothing but a lover!

(Published in He Said She Said Magazine - July/August issue 2010)

In mere language notion, “tortuous” means twisted and complex, but in relationship terms tortuousness stands for those who are indirect, ambiguous and unable to keep their promises.

Disclaimer: This article is not dedicated to tortuous women not because they don’t exist or out of the fact that women are better than men or that I’m justifying their reasons, but due to their scarcity. As when a woman is being indirect or vague about her intentions with a man, it usually means she’s either not that into him or picked up on the vibe that he’s aiming a long-term relationship which is not what she’s looking for at the moment.
This article is not dedicated to womanizers who use tortuousness to mess with women’s minds, hearts and hopes. However, this article IS dedicated to tortuous men who have adopted this technique unintentionally and wonder why they never pass the “firsts” phase.
Ever since I understood how men-women relationships work, I became a firm believer that women everywhere love playing the mentor role for their men. They love the challenge, the possibility of changing a dense man into a loving committed partner and curing his illness. As winning that hard to get man over is a simple yet powerful testimony of the strength of their femininity and power to embark change. But when a woman tries and chase, tries again and chases a little bit more and change is nowhere to be seen, she starts to lose faith in her man. She starts to doubt his seriousness and intentions, after all women were not made to chase men; they were made to be pursued by men. And the emotional roller coaster tortuous men, like you, put her through become too tiring as she prefers to be with someone whom she can understand and interpret. Thus, she loses interest and leaves.

So, you see Mr. Tortuous, this is how women work…
When you come off as a player, you might seem appealing to a certain very limited segment of women at first. But for those who’re looking for commitment, once they’ve got you all figured out, you’ll be dumped at the nearest exit.
When a woman is confused about the nature of your relationship, because one day you’re together and the next you’re acting like you don’t even know her, eventually she’ll give up and quit. For that way, Mr. Tortuous, she sees you’re only good for busy women who want part-time men.
When your words are vague and your promises never leave the words zone, women see you as an incompatible man. Because for women, real men are direct with their needs and wants, confident decision makers who have no problem making a promise and sticking to it. And since you’re not fitting under that category, you’re not the perfect candidate for a potential partner.
And when a woman feels she’s taken for granted, that you’re keeping her there until someone better comes along, she’ll lose her trust in you on her way to losing her self-esteem.

Accordingly, it’s very much possible for you to stand by watching the woman you love walk away because you didn’t know what exactly went wrong. You thought women love mystery, you thought they appreciated hard to get men, you thought they enjoyed being tortured for love. Well… You’re wrong. Women translate shadiness, indirectness and lost promises as:
a. Lack of interest. Hence, you’re ditching the woman but in an indirect way.
b. Commitment jitters, where you can’t handle being in steady relationship.
c. Being rushed into a promise that you can’t get out of, so you’re pushing her to breaking up with you.
d. Indifference, where you take nothing serious, nothing is important to you not even your relationship with her.
e. Hiding a secret or a hideous past you want concealed.
f. Being a loner who cherishes privacy and keeping personal distance

Therefore this article is dedicated to you Mr. Tortuous, to tell you why you can’t hold on to a relationship. To open your eyes to a blind spot you could not spot on your own. If a steady relationship is what you’re seeking, then you better speak up. If you find a woman worthy of your love and time, stay direct with your intentions. Keep her on the same page as you are, define your relationship. If you make a promise, try your best to make it happen or at least say you no longer can keep it.
Mr. Tortuous, I want you to think of the many good women you’ve lost because of your shadiness. I want you to remember every situation where you passed on the chance for settling down because you thought women were experts with picking up on signals. Women will not put words in your mouth; they’ll wait around for you to make your move.
If you failed to do so, then automatically you’re removed from the partner section to nothing but a tortuous lover…

When sex-addiction becomes a Woman's thing!

(Published in Magnificent Magazine - Addiction issue)

In a world where ownership and ruling has been forevermore men exclusive, sex was no exception. In fact, sex has been portrayed as all that men ever think about; sex is how you attract a man; sex is how you keep a man; sex is how you’re rated by man and thus the world. So, it was only natural for men consumed by such tremendous amount of sex, to get hooked. Women, on the other hand, are famous for their romance capability, their lust for intimacy and friendship, and their outstanding nurturing performance. Such delicate and loving creatures take the world by storm when they act out of order. When she turns from a dandy lover to a wild party animal, from a nurturing mother to someone who puts her career first, from a shy desire-free flower to a monster who’s ready to take everything at sight and from a caged bird to a woman who’s not afraid to speak her sexuality…
Like men, women get addicted to sex, but not under the same notion. Most sex-addicts from the pink planet don’t have pleasure on their plates; they have other reasons, other factors and other people contributing to their addiction…

1. When the father figure goes missing
Ask a girl who has lost her father at a young age about security and she’ll give you a blank face. Ask her about protection and she’ll reply with extremes. Ask her about men and she’ll tell you they are never to be trusted. A woman who has experienced what professionals call “trauma during childhood” is expected to act out. This woman is after company, not sex. She wants to have a man by her side when life becomes too scary; she wants to feel the presence of a male with a little bit of revenge mixed with need, so she puts out. And what starts as nothing but a trick to attract men, turns into a habit, a manual to attract men that never fails and so she becomes a sex addict.
2. When physical leads to numbness
As it’s the case with any addiction, pain makes the headlines. There are no restrictions when it comes to the cause of pain, anything will do. In fact, sometimes all it takes is a minor strain to turn one’s life upside down. Failure happens to be a major pain trigger. Failing to achieve, to find love, to be loved, to succeed, to enjoy and to feel good about oneself are all enough causes for a woman to resort to sex to feel the satisfaction she’s missing in the real world. Her success to please a man and make him beg for more gives her the thrill she needs to keep on living. She may not get an orgasm, she might not even know how an orgasm feels, but it’s the virtual moment she enjoys that makes her forget all about her pain, failure and distorted body frame.
3. When the need to feel desirable strikes
Make a woman feel beautiful and you’ll keep her for life. But what if she lost that feeling? What if she never knew how beautiful feels? What if she’s spent her life being casted aside and made fun of? When any person is subjected to rejection becomes either an introvert or an extrovert. Women who show sex-addiction, uses sex to prove people wrong, they want to show the world how much men desire them, how sexy and attractive men find them and accordingly, one-night stands become their thing, only for the sake of revenge, nothing more and nothing less.
4. When abused stands for used
The stereotyped image for sexually abused women is lost and so they become. I’m not generalizing here; I know there are the fighters who work hard to fit life back into customary context, but I also know those who fell down hard and sunk deep into despair. Those helpless women found acceptance in sex, the very same acceptance they wanted to find among society yet failed. They find sex as their savior and their pill to spend life without looking back at the shameful day that turned them into decent prostitutes.
5. When swallowed by loneliness
I know how loneliness treats a person, she calls him a nothing, a neglected object, an extra word that’s constantly deleted and she yells at him, put him down and makes him feel like a good for nothing. What cures loneliness is the company of another soul, it doesn’t matter if it’s pure or evil, it doesn’t matter if it’s sincere or betraying; all that matters is that it’s there. Married women experience loneliness, working women experience loneliness, mothers experience loneliness and sex becomes their toy, their source of entertainment and the most fun thing they look forward to do.
6. When self-worth = ??
How many women you know define themselves according to men, to their relationships with men? Women who don’t know who they are outside the commitment bubble, women who don’t know their capabilities and their strengths; women who feel worthless unless they’re dangling from a man’s arm. I know hundreds and I’m sure there are millions of women who can’t define their identities without the help of a man with magical arms to shape them and what better way to get that man than by some magical sex.

Call them desperate, needy or weak. Call them shadows who have been misguided. They are women who live among as, and like all earth-ian women they want love and acceptance. And along their tiring journey in search, they come across sex. They become addicted to sex, those who were once addicted to love and the rush love brings, move on to the next level and trust that sex will never fail to give them what they need, a man by their side and an effective anesthetic until life becomes all pink again.

Even God won't change the past

(Published in Euphoria Magazine - May 2010 issue)

Why would a rapped girl live as a sinner for the rest of her life when she didn’t do wrong? Why would an ex- drug-addict be treated like a fatal infection when he’s already cured? Why would a woman be punished for her right to love and choose a suitable partner when she has a mind of her own? Because people’s views will forever stay the same; once they label someone for a sinner will always be a sinner? No such thing as second chances, no such thing as a strong will to carry on. When they say you’ve wronged, you’re dead, even if God still wants you alive…

Exhibit A:

With a bitter fuming voice, my once madly in love friend started trashing all living women, calling them liars, deceivers and something about being tossed cans! It’s been exactly two months since I last saw him, I remember him being all worked up about this girl he met during a leadership course and how thankful he’s to God to have guided him to that specific place to meet the perfect girl for him. What happened? Did she cheat? Faked her identity? Had an illegitimate child? What could’ve possibly happened to turn someone on the verge of proposing to absolute hatred and anger?

Him: “I’m not her first!”

Me: “Do you mean she’s not a virgin?”

Him: “NO, no, I mean she’s been in love before”

Me: “She’s been in love before! That’s it… that’s what supposed to make her an unsuitable wife and mother for your kids. She’s a twenty something “woman”. Did you truly expect to meet a “woman” who’s been caged all those years, waiting for you?!”

Him: “She wasn’t engaged, she was very specific; I’ve been in a relationship before”

Me: “So, if she was engaged, would that make her honorable, respectful and worthy of your precious ring? You’ve been in relationships before, you’ve been in love before, but it didn’t work out. And it’s not like she’s sinned, it’s her right to love and choose who she wants to be with. Or would you prefer her to stick around in a doomed relationship just because people like you would not want to marry her afterwards? Or better yet, lie about having previous relationships so that people like you would place her under the good Egyptian girl category and would want to marry her? She’s not a woman with a past; she’s an honest woman, with nothing to be ashamed of, and a free will to choose.”

Exhibit B:

It was my first time to attend an ambiguous writers’ meeting, where no one, not even the staff had a clue about what the coming issue is about. So, for the sake of jumpstarting ideas, they asked each of us to share a life changing experience and the impact it had on our personalities, beliefs, views and everything. Thus, after a long pause free from eye contacts and some “come on-s” from the editors, a dark attractive guy saved us all and took the stage…

“Hello everyone, I’m someone someone. A year ago, I was a drug addict, heroin to be specific. Regardless of how I got there and how my parents found out, what matters is that I was placed in a hideous rehab center which I escaped a couple of times. Each time, my family would force me to go back and each time I manage to either escape or smuggle in drugs to keep me there for a few days. Until, I witnessed a friend die from overdose. He was a rich kid, with everything to live and get well for, instead he chose to escape through drugs. His death shook me to my very core because I knew him; I talked to him and shared drugs with him. Only, then I realized that death is near, especially to me, so close that I can smell the stench of its breath. And I quit drugs for good. It wasn’t the rehab that helped me, I helped myself start over and build a new life. I was so proud of myself that I saw no shame in being a recovering drug addict. I find it influential. But people don’t, they don’t want to hire me, they don’t to marry me their daughters, they don’t want their children around me because apparently I’m a bad influence. I was acceptable when people knew nothing about my addiction but now that I outspoken, they want nothing to do with me...”

Exhibit C:

Walking by a well-known children’s park in Nasr City, she was startled by a loud winded breath-like sound. Turning around in search of the source, she saw a man “getting off” at the dark corner of the fence. As she increased her pace thinking what a pervert this man must be, she felt his strong grip over her left arm and suffocating hand clasping her mouth. Her heart pounded as he dragged her to his leisure spot. She prayed hard for it all must be a nightmare. But the stronger she fought, the firmer he sealed her mouth. His rotten smell, thick hairy skin, curious hands creeping up her body were too much for her to bear… She blanked out.

Awakened by the deafening horns of a truck, she had only one thought in mind, how will she get in her home looking like this without sparking questions? She searched her purse for cash and headed to the nearest clothes store, asked the sales girl to help her for she had an accident and can’t walk the streets looking like this. Tossing her filthy old clothes away, she had to decide. Should she keep this to herself, fake her virginity and not tell a soul? Or should she speak up and share the heavy burden with her family? After weeks of torment, she decided to tell, after all she didn’t do anything wrong. Today she’s imprisoned in her own room, detained from life, love, work, friends and ironically family…

When judgments prevail it becomes almost impossible for the eyes to see different angles and for the minds to embrace an alternative truth. When we make mistakes we hope they go unnoticed, so we can easily pass for people living within the norms of acceptance. When we question fate and destiny, trying really hard to extract the rare good from the bad, we find our stronger side. When we decide to face people with our truth, it’s always rejection in the face. If God intended for us, and those who’ve had/ are still having a challenged life, to walk a certain path, for some reason we can’t fully understand within the moment of crisis, then we’ll walk it no matter how smart, careful and faithful we are. The truth is our past is exactly like our future; can’t be changed nor controlled. It’s either we accept those around us the way they are or let them be. Because if even God won’t change the past, who are we to challenge, judge and punish?!

Call me happy- go- lucky

See… I changed my font; I’m not using Times New Roman anymore; I don’t even want to use it… … I’m lying; I’m dying to change my Trebuchet back to Times New Roman; I’m struggling not to think about it; I’m keeping my fingers busy from changing the font just as I’m restraining myself from calling you…
I swear I’m not trying to annoy you; I just want to show you I care… I want to love you right and give you the attention you need. I want our dates to be perfect and my gifts to be thoughtful…
I didn’t mean to bore you down with all my questions; I want to know you perfectly. I want to learn you inside out; I want to know what makes you happy and what makes you tick. I want to learn your maze and be able to go in and out smoothly. I want to spare you the tiresome of hinting. I want to do everything you want me to do without even asking.

Before you came along I had no real friends. Before you came along I felt like I’ve been used and taken for granted, everyone knows I’ll plan the perfect event, buy just the perfect gift and prepare the perfect guest list. When they ask me to do such a thing, they think that it’s more like a compliment to me, that I’ll think of it as an expression for their unconditional trust in my decisions or maybe I’ll get fooled when they call me the superstar. It’s more of an insult actually because my so-called friends know that I’ll perfect any task they hand me, they know I can’t help but to do that, so they leave me all alone, to work, to plan and to buy while they go on with their fun-filled lives, leaving all the heavy lifting to me. But I can’t help it…

At work, no one questions my decisions, no one double check my work. I’m supposed to feel flattered and motivated. But I feel neglected…
When I’m at home, I spend my time cleaning and organizing. I go by my day tidying and managing. I live my life wondering what will go wrong if I stopped perfecting every damn single think but I can’t help it…

I hear people laughing at me; I know what they think of me. It’s complicated how they admire my attitude yet abhor it. But I’m no longer impressed nor grateful… I’m bored…
I’m tired of living in a suit I’m constantly worried to wrinkle. I’m tired of being used. I’m tired of losing man I’ve ever loved because I care so much, but I can’t help it…

I can’t help it because I fear failure and hate disappointment…
I can’t help it because I don’t like being judged…
I can’t help it because I don’t want to be rejected, if that’s what people like in me so be it, I’m a perfectionist…
I can’t help it because I loathe mistakes and the silly people who make them…
I can’t help it because I fear the unknown…
I can’t help it because I want to play the idol role…
I can’t help it because I crave acceptance…
I can’t help it because I seek praise…
I can’t help it because I aim security and certainty…
I can’t help it because I love success and uniqueness…

There… I’m exposed… Yet, I don’t want perfectionist to be my thing, especially after you told me you’ll leave. Usually, in a much similar circumstance, I’d switch on my stubborn mode and be the most perfect perfectionist I’ll ever be… But I’m not after changing only for you. Like you, I’m not happy, I’m never satisfied and I’m constantly tired to please this and that and maintain an image I’m wishing to destroy…

I saw your face flushed with anger and pity. I saw you raise your hand in question why do I act that way. I feel you like the outgoing person you rarely saw in me. I feel you want to destroy my conservativity and the schedule book I never fail to leave. I feel you want me to laugh at silly jokes, take a break every once in a while and enjoy life, and so am I…

I’m 22 years old, yet I’m living the life of an 80 years old. I want to live spontaneously and act my age. I want to throw my worries behind and live if just for a while outside the perfectionism curse… I truly want that and I’ll act on it…

See… I told you I can be informal, I told you I can speak my mind without editing my thoughts, I told you I have that alter gene… I told you I can be happy-go-lucky.

Hooked on Firsts!

(Published in Magnificent Magazine - Mirror issue 2010)

Back in the days when lollipops meant more to me than jewelry, I believed that men who couldn’t find it in them to commit were either constantly falling for the crazy ones or flat out womanizers. I believed that the success of any relationship fell on the woman’s shoulders only. I believed that whenever a woman is dumped or divorced it’s the result of her own stupidity and flawed nature. I believed that women must marry before the age of 25 and men wed whenever they felt like it. I believed that cheating is only allowed for men. I believed that only men can marry more than once. But I also believed that eating white marshmallows on New Year’s Eve brings luck and happiness!

Time passed by crushing all my naïve theories- including that of white marshmallows- under its big feet and I saw relationships as a world on its own with its young, youths and elders. I saw hearts being crushed for no fault of their owners. I saw couples separate because they don’t want to be together anymore. I saw one-sided love. I saw women cheat, marry by the age of 35, get a divorce and re-marry. I saw men confused, defeated and weak. I saw people get married behind their parents’ backs, despite their approvals and defy traditions. I saw men who cannot commit to one woman and they’re neither womanizers nor suffering bad luck. I saw men, who despite the fact that they’re seeking a stable relationship, give up quickly and move on in search of another and I had to pause…

I thought good for women, for their growing ability to say no, to change their present, to make mistakes, choose and aim for a more convenient future; but the men?! The men who, all over the world, are stereotyped as cheaters, pigs that are only looking to satisfy their desires and partners who wouldn’t wait around for intimacy to happen.
Why would a man, aiming commitment and has no jitters whatsoever, lose the ability to commit? Why would he, if not a player, rush from one relationship to another? What makes a man leave behind a woman he really likes if he senses potential for success?

Because he’s hooked on firsts!

The story usually goes like this; a nice man meets a nice lady, sparks fly all over the place, hormones start pumping through their veins. The man meets his testosterone craze while the woman faces her estrogen, creating the ultimate physical pull. Then attraction on every other level happens because of a game our brains master through love chemicals. Dopamine, “the pleasure chemical”, is released causing the euphoric rush and endless craving towards the significant other. Followed by Norepinephrine, which has the adrenaline-like effect, creating the racy heart beats and excitement lovers get when hearing their partners’ names. Together, Dopamine and Norepinephrine, produce what relationships-terms refer to as firsts, starting with sleeplessness all the way to loss of appetite. Add obsession, because of the decreased Serotonin levels, and the lover becomes the one and only thing in mind.

So love happens because of a chemical cocktail the brain releases when the timing and conditions couldn’t be more perfect. Accordingly, there are those who may get hooked on the love chemicals. They’re referred to as love junkies, love addicts, high on love or even firsts addicts. They crave that rush, elation and obsession love chemicals produce at the early beginnings of relationships and as their bodies build up tolerance to those chemicals, they start to crave more and more of the mysterious love potion. That’s why they usually go from one relationship to the next in search of a love fix. And giving the fact that men are more visual than women, they happen to get hooked on firsts faster and more frequently than women. That doesn’t mean that it never happens for women, it does, but since almost all women cherish the effort and time they invest in relationships and the fact that most women are very emotional, it’s highly unlikely for them to call it quits out of steadiness.

That being said, the hooked- on- firsts- people end a relationship because, for them, it’s not exciting anymore, it no longer delivers that rush they desire and it’s going in the direction of utter boredom. Therefore, you can find a man who couldn’t be more thrilled about his new partner and rush-filled relationship, but then when the firsts are over and the commitment phase starts to blossom, he loses interest along with his fix, thus thinking this relationship and this partner is not for him and moves on to the next. And you can find a man who after a long pursuit to be with an extraordinary woman, the moment he gains her approval is the one when the captivating lights shut off and he finds himself stuck with nothing but an ordinary woman in a boring relationship that needs to end.

A lot of people debate over the notion of whether love is addictive or not. Science settled the case with the fact that for some people, mostly men, love do get to their heads and become their grand quest. And since the case of love junkies isn’t yet out in the open, once you sense that you or your partner are hooked on firsts, you need to know that having a long-term relationship won’t be a walk in the park. For you have to keep the flame alive, that adrenaline rush present, the hormones elevated and the chase endless. Even if you need to separate for a while, travel some place new or pick up a new hobby. As long as you’re honest about it, love will always be that thrill you desire.

Women are victims by choice

(Published in Euphoria Magazine, February 2010 issue)

I’m sick and tired of watching women degrade themselves in every way just to be with a man. I’m fed up with the helpless creatures they’ve become in the name of love and I despise the vulnerable position they always manage to get themselves into. I don’t want to hear them curse their bad luck anymore. I don’t want them blaming other people, including men, for how they ended up to be and play the victim’s role. After all everything goes according to a woman’s choice, she chose a man to be her partner, she chose to give in to obligations and pressure, she chose to mute her voice, she chose to think irrationally, she chose to live dragged behind every male figure in her life, she chose to come in last and then she comes crying in agony. Whether you agree with me or not, there are facts which can’t be denied, there are women who out of desperation, lack of self-confidence, fear, ignorance or misunderstanding contributed to the making of their own misery. My mission is to open your eyes, to help you clearly see the mistakes you’ve been making and the wrong decisions you’ve been taking under the umbrella of love and pleasing a man…
1.Leaving your passion behind
Your career, hobbies and interests add to your happiness, self-satisfaction and sense of accomplishment. When you give that upon a man’s wrestles threats then know you’re dealing with an immature, selfish kid who wants a marionette to control. And when you give him that right, you’ve handed him the key to your prison.
2. Turning into a zombieI’ve seen it happen tens of times before, where an insecure, jealous and possessive man chooses who his woman should/ should not be friends with or if she should have friends at all. Should she contact her family or live in isolation? This is just the beginning to erasing your existence; soon you’ll be living according to his norms, thoughts and desires.
3. Doubting yourself
You can’t tell if a certain outfit makes you thin or fat, a decision is wrong or right, what you hate and what you like; what you should accept and which you should reject unless he defines them for you. It’s either you were that insecure from the start or allowed him to shake you up this hard. Find your own values, beliefs and perspectives, instead of waiting around for a man to dictate you your own identity.
4. Believing in double standards
If you believe that it’s ok for him to socialize with other women, spend most of his time with friends, have his own space, ditch you, cheat and lie but it’s not ok for you because he’s a man, then you’re living in double standard. You have the right to be respected, appreciated, listened to and supported. Being a woman doesn’t deprive you from that, and he being a man doesn’t grant him justification.
5. Being afraid of losing him all the timeBeing afraid to argue his decisions, say no, go out with friends, speak your mind, work or even breathe so he’s won’t jump up and leave, this is fear at its worst cases. And sometimes the man is not even responsible, it’s out of your fragility, insecurity and underestimation of the strength of your relationship that the mere thought of him being upset, terrifies you to the very core.
6. Accepting abuse
Why would you allow a man to beat you? Talk down to you? Humiliate you? Break your happiness? Use your emotions and treat you like a stinky animal? Why would you stand around witnessing your soul degradation doing nothing? This is not a relationship, this is slavery and you’re not a victim, you’re plain out weak.
7. Sacrificing your body to keep himGiving him sex will not keep him and giving him the right to roam your body will not keep him… If you offer your body in return of love, you’ll receive nothing but temporary sympathy. If you believe sex keeps a man or force him into marriage, go through history and you’ll find endless line of women called mistresses, prostitutes and sluts. Know that the right guy won’t blackmail you for sex or else he’ll leave, the right guy will never force you into something you’re not ready to do.
8. Rushing into relationships
Who said you should be married by 20? Who said you should settle for less? Who said being in a relationship is the only way to social acceptance? Who said you should feel incomplete without a man? Who said you don’t have the right to build a career? Who said you must accept the first suitor in case no one better comes next? Would you be happy with a divorce? Would you enjoy the sight of your children living in misery because of a wrong choice you made? Even if the whole world is pushing you to settle for anyone, you’ll be all alone when your world comes crashing down.
9. Pretending to be someone else to please him
As much as I’d love to stay proud of the fearless independent generation we’re growing up to be, yet still there’re those who’re still hiding under the “good Egyptian girl” norms. Afraid to speak their different views and opinions, burying their dreams and hopes and switching their independence for a catering service providing the needs and perspectives Egyptian men would want in good Egyptian girls to wed.
10. Living in hope of a better him that will not come
Change will never happen to a person unless he craves it. Period
Even when you give him strength, support and threats, he won’t do it. And there’s no such thing as marriage will change him. Open your eyes to his flaws; shatter that blinding love mirror before you end up in wretchedness.
11. Living just for himIt’s true that men love to feel like kings, they like to think that nothing in their women’s lives is as important as them. Still, they hate nagging women, who keep their eyes fixated only on them, who act like stalkers. Please don’t push yourself to end up with a nervous breakdown when he leaves, your man is a part of your life, don’t allow him to be your whole life.
12. Feeling ashamed of previous relationshipsBeing in love before is not a crime you should be punished for. Calling it quits on a doomed relationship reflects bravery and self-honesty. Don’t let a man punish you for a right he gave himself. You’re not a sinner and you certainly shouldn’t be treated like one.
13. Blaming yourself for everything that went wrong in your relationshipsI can’t comprehend self-pity and I can’t tolerate weakness. It takes two to start a relationship and the same two to end it. Taking responsibility for your share of mishaps is crucial, learning from the mistakes is mandatory but feeling flawed for failing a relationship is dim.
14. Forcing yourself where you’re unwantedIt happens a lot where a woman keep chasing after a man who’s rejecting her, refusing to believe that he’s not interested and excusing his discouraging behavior as being shy to ask her out. Why would you humiliate yourself that way? Why won’t you pick up on his polite hints? And why would you force yourself where you’re clearly unwanted?!

Are you insecure or that desperate?

(Published in He Said She Said Magazine, February 2010 issue)

I’ve done it before; I allowed my insecurities to take control over my life. I played it too safe, too careful as not to cross any line. I followed the herd to avoid being the outsider. I was too afraid to be alone, to be rejected and run down. I was underestimated by me. I was taken for granted by me. And I allowed others to do me the same honor. I faked and pretended. I silenced my fears only to discover that actions do speak louder than words and that like everyone else I, too, was insecure…

What is insecurity?Insecurity is the lack of trust in oneself and in people in general. Period

Why insecurity happens?
1. Fear:
a. Fear of commitment:
You’re afraid to be caged with the same person for the rest of your life, afraid to lose your freedom, to lose interest and passion to live. You think of commitment as a legitimate form of slavery, the only difference is that you- willingly- allow someone to control your dreams and soul.
b. Fear of intimacy:
While you may find nothing scary about commitment, about being with the same person for God knows how long, yet it’s the idea of opening up to someone that’s scary. You find it hard and threatening to share intimate details about your life, communicate your feelings and allow someone to know you inside out.
c. Fear of rejection:
“Our human nature makes us strive to show our best qualities because we’re always searching for love and approval”- Paolo Coelho
So you keep on faking, adopting views that aren’t your own, living the lifestyle you despise and all for the sake of approval. You’re afraid to show your true self because you’re not sure it fits the social code.
d. Fear of losing identity:
If ever anyone came close to changing you, you throw tantrums. If you ever got influenced, you get irritated. You’re living inside a protective bubble, trying to preserve your goals and personality. You become aggressive in defense of not being someone’s follower.
2. Low self-esteem:
When you’re not satisfied with the way you look, act and talk, it’s very much expected to feel that the whole world is ready to pick on you. When you have a weight problem that’s causing you to feel so little and incompetent, you get intimidated easily and prefer to avoid people. When you feel you’re not good enough, smart enough, interesting enough, you get this strong vibe that people will look down at you and that’s making you deeply insecure.
3. Doubt:
You’re living in the endless doubt that everyone is cheating on you, laughing behind your back, sharing your secrets and ready to jump up and leave you any minute.
4. Instability:
Whether you brought this on yourself or have been forced to go through instability, the end result is the same. You worry that money could run out or may never come, that you’ll lose your job again and live in debt or that you’re not getting enough security in your relationship because your partner is always full of threats and the chances are you may once more be left alone.
5. Past experiences:
You may have gone through stuff before that’s causing your insecurities. You may have lived through them with flawed parents. And you may have witnessed the hardships your friends had to go through. Wherever you’ve acquired your past experiences that are causing you to feel insecure, they sure have affected you intensely.

Are you insecure?
- Do you interpret your partner’s actions and words in a negative way as if they want nothing more but to hurt and insult you?
- When things go wrong in your relationships or work, do you tend to look for someone else blame?
- Are you constantly worried that your partner is lying to you or even cheating?
- Do you snoop around trying to prove that he/she’s cheating?
- Are you tormented with jealousy?
- Are you to trying to control your partner?
- Do you stick to your partner like a baby to his mother?
- Are you afraid that he/she will leave?
- Do you live in a constant state of paranoia and doubt that you have to interrogate everyone to make sure they’re telling you the truth?
- Are you always in need for someone to help you make decisions or better yet make them for you?
- Do you get sensitive towards certain topics like your weight, love life and career?
- Do you underestimate yourself and your capabilities that you always settle for less?
- Do you need attention to feel good about yourself?
- Do you need to be with someone to feel complete?
- Do you personalize everything?
If you answer yes to most of these questions, then you are insecure. You need to mark the questions you’ve agreed with, categorize what is it that you feel insecure about and go back to why insecurity happens to find your blind spot.

Fix?1. If your insecurities have to do with the way your partner treats you then for the love of God share them before they turn into a problem, strangle your relationship and leave you living with unresolved issues.
2. If your insecurities are a result of the way you see yourself in the mirror, try to work on that with yourself first. Look around you and you’ll see far worse people, be satisfied with yourself first and aim for improvement.
3. Tip 1: Work on boosting your self-esteem by doing volunteer work, helping people and surrounding yourself with positive inspiring people.
4. Tip 2: Work on your communication skills; learn how to communicate your feelings so as to be able to speak up when something is bothering you or not working for you anymore.
5. If you’re between relationships and know that your insecurities are because of you, take time to work on them first, to really focus on setting your self-image straight before embarking on another relationship.
6. Even if you talk your insecurities with others, seek out help to forever delete them, remember that insecurities come from within. Whether you’ve acquired them or created them, no one can fix them for you, they have to be fixed inside out.