On finding my "calling" or whatever!

I have come a long way from knowing absolutely nothing about my gifts, to knowing a little bit, to thinking that I know it all, to here... Where I am flat out confused!

Between the words, the fashion, the media, and the academics, I'm completely and impressively lost!

So I keep on reading, researching, and revisiting my old passions in a desperate attempt to discover what Oprah names my CALLING...

There are two types of people in everyone's life; those who are there to make you appreciate your gifts; others who will make you want to start over.

Pain is never exclusive

In my world; WORDS speak louder than ACTIONS.

A life-taught lesson; shame commences revolutions.

When it comes to beauty, God has the best taste.

Lies are always subjective; honesty is rarely objective.

Either figure out a way to worthiness, or create an exit for uselessness.

The older we grow, the lonelier we get. Period

Wish I had spent time wasted thinking about me, rather than on what people might think of me.

Ignoring is the best instantaneous cure.

Waiting does put out fires; passions too,

There is always a Plan B.

A talented man creates possibilities out of nothing; a tedious man kills what he loves the most.

One day my dreams will be my present.

The deadliest combination is a tongue that moves faster than the mind; and a mind that moves faster than actions.

Chances are to be taken at your risk. Period

The moment you'll stop feeling sorry for yourself is the same moment all your excuses will jump right out of the window.

Don't blame me for my slackness when all you did was make excuses for me.

Maturity kicks in when YOU are no longer your BIGGEST concern.

Logic is not the same with everyone. Period

Choosing a path does not guarantee the commitment.

It is not important to know what you want, knowing what you need is enough.

Get ANGRY!!

In one of my many, many, moments of desperation and the rumbles of me failing as a mother - the fact that I was not able to potty train my boy in two weeks and the fact that it has been three months since I have started... I had a thought...



What if I was magically turned into someone else?



Someone who did not get married as young as I did; someone who do not have the responsibilities that I shoulder. What if my life was only about work, success and more success?



The mere thought of a new life and a new me flattered my ego and had blood pumping through my veins. Could it be that I am not happy? Or is it just another attempt at satisfaction?



The role that I play daily, being a loving wife and a warm mother who rarely show discontent... It is just NOT WORKING! I am either faking a smile or cutting my demons loose. I find it boring... Not my style; and I feel guilty!



I want nothing but the best for my almost three year old son when all I am giving him is orders, screams, and the occasional " you're a naughty boy!"



I love my man to death, he is the love of my life, yet I manage somehow to always, I mean always, point out his flaws.



I have been going through this over and over in my head, for two years now and I realized... I AM NOT HAPPY



It is not that my son is "naughty" all kids are, it is not that my husband is flawed, I can write pages about my identity crisis, it is me... And that is something very hard for a Leo to admit. I do not need a different life... I need better time-management skills!



I need to get angry, or better yet re-focus my anger towards myself, rather than spraying it out on everyone else!



I see people, all around me, making it work for themselves... Succeeding in whatever they want to do, even if it was about making a casserole!



So, I am putting my anger out there, for the world to read...



I am angry... At me... And not someone else...

Why do you wake up in the morning?!

During a much casual conversation which started out as a meaningless talk to keep us alert after an intense night of serious clubbing, my husband simply asked, why do you wake up for in the morning?

Trying to hide the fact that this simple question struck a deep wound in my heart, I instantly, yet carefully replied; to work... I lied, because lately I've been turned between two lives, two worlds where I'm the only common factor, the life of a housewife who still didn't reach the point of desperation and that of a career woman who has a lot on her plate. I pretend to work, ye, that is my ugly truth so I don't feel useless and worth of a nothing. I pretend to write while all I do I just stare at a blank page with no words and no intention to be filled with words.

The question, why do you wake up in the morning, has no answer in my book. I don't know why I wake up in the morning. I want to work, in fact I have tons of dream and goals I wish I can fulfill, yet I allow the days to slip away and burn my dreams...

I have the same goals since 2009 and yet I always startle when I come across a note with an old date showing my achievement skills are up to nothing. It's as if all that I'm good for is watching other people live the life that I want and do nothing about it as if I have no will power... If I continue like this I will definitely end up a nothing and i'm not used to being a nothing.

In another life, I should be waking up for what should be worthy to and of me , the multiple fires that would drive me right out of that bed but I'm putting them all down as a result of my slackness...

My baby boy, my husband, my work, my home, my family, friends and life...

I need to start living my life instead of dreaming and fantasizing about it... I need to get it together and suck it up for once till I make it through... I need that feeling of a proud worthy woman back... I desperately need it...

Everyday I realize that what I'm doing right now is not enough to get me where I want to be yet I do nothing about it... 

Why do you wake up in the morning? 

Answer: blank

Ever thine... ever mine... ever Ours

All my life I swore never to depend on a man for happiness,

Yet, here I am… writing with your pen… on a paper you bought me… in your home… waiting for you…

You have made my life magical in ways that I never thought is real.

You have made every Valentine’s more special…

You have made every impossible… Possible

For forever my name will be connected to yours…

My entire life… Presence and future relies on you…

It is hard for me to admit that

But without you I do not exist…

I grew up in your arms

I became a woman and a mother because of you…

I love you with everything than I am

I am yours and you, my love, shall forever be mine…

Ever thine… Ever mine… Ever ours…

To all the morons out there...

In my head I won a nobel prize

In my head I’m friends with Oprah

In my head I’m a renowned writer,

         One who matters

In my head I’m the world’s focus

   My every word is important

   My every move is worth covering

In my head I’m a bestselling author

In my head I’m better than Paulo Coelho

In my head everyone is interested to

               Know me

In my head I’m the reason why the world

             Is a better place

In my head my existence matter

In my head I’m named by people’s magazine

      The no.1 most influential person

In my head I build an effective education system

In my head I’m the reason behind every

             Great change

In my head I’m a supermom

            One whose kids look up to her

In my head I’m flawless

In my head I’m the perfection of

           Mankind

In my head I’m fabulous

In my head I’m the one who

        Sets the standards

In my head I’m always smiling

In my head I reach satisfaction

In my head I’m a mogul

In my head I’m the source of

          Power

In my head I die a noble death

In my head I leave while

          Praying

In my head I live the full life

In my head the whole world

         Mourns my death

In my head I die young

        Never to be forgotten

In my head I’m larger than life

So please,

the next time you see me don’t just tell me I’m beautiful

Top 8 sources of POWER!

What a world we live in! One day you’re ready to take over the planet and on the next you feel like everything is worthless and every attempt is useless. It’s very easy to give up and torturous to keep going. We try to find that power we need to continue, to persevere and in rare cases to excel yet it becomes almost impossible to find optimistic people when you’re down. It becomes too dark when you need light to guide you through your already bumpy road.

To find reasons to quit, that’s easy; but where can you find that power to go the extra mile? Where can you get that fire to thrive and achieve uniqueness?

 Books? Too Cliché… Internet? May be, but you have to go through a hell of personal experiences that might or might not work for you. People? Well, I don’t want to seem mean but not all people mean well, in fact sometimes they’d rather see you dead than succeed. So, it’s better, always better, to depend on oneself and exert that extra effort on soul searching to get to where you want to be. Think a little bit more, open up your eyes because not everyone is that lucky to catch their chance train, and you’ll find your torch. As for a start, I have got eight sources for you, may be one will work!

  

1.   Faith

You won’t believe what faith can do to your life! If you have faith in your dream; if you have faith in the realization of it; if you can see yourself perfectly and comfortably fitting there, then it will happen! Have faith in your abilities; in the possibility of tomorrow; in the ever changing fate and you shall succeed.

Trust Allah and in the power of prayer; trust that He can hear you and He shall grant you nothing but the best and you’ll be blessed with the inner-peace you need to focus on nothing but your dream. Faith is a must if you ever want to become, period.

2.   Love

In utopia, love should be a sufficient source of power. It should lift you up and push you to be a better person. In the real world, sometimes love kills ambition when all you care for is to be with that person you love all the while knowing that he/she will love you no matter what you become or don’t become, WRONG!

That hopeless romantic concept, I believe to be, too naive and shallow, because I’m a firm believer in constructive love, where two people hold hands to move forward; to motivate and support each other to become the best they can be.

Love is actually the most effective weapon of all, whether you choose to love yourself deeply as to see yourself worthy of nothing but the best or you choose to love and be loved by others, in the normal sense, love was never made to be destructive.

3.   Loss

Yes! As much as any form of loss hurts and jabs, but it’s a real life-changer, I should know! Ever since my father’s death, I hated failures and weaknesses. I chased success in every corner as if my life depended on it. I refused people who called my vulnerable; I was trying really hard to prove them wrong. I didn’t want anyone to think that my dad left a fragile girl behind, easy to break and too heavy to move. I wanted to be his best work, I still am trying. And I pray for him every day because it’s because of him that now I know my passions, dreams and aspirations. And he’s the reason why I want to carry on my plan, to make him proud of who I shall become.

4.   Acquaintances

My mom always told me that good friends bring good and bad ones bring nothing but bad. And you know what, I believe her; although if you asked me 7 years ago I would have firmly disagreed! Yet, she always pushed me to befriend the top 5 students in my class and I always wondered, why would I care what their grades are? I just want to have fun, popular friends! But she had a point, when you surround yourself with losers, in time you’ll become a loser too with a dumb attitude to prove it. But if you surround yourself with successful people, their aura will haunt you and in no time you’ll be thinking success and you’ll be acting success.

5.   Experience

Your CV is your best representative! Where you’ve been and what you’ve learned can easily add up to where you are going to be. Internships, travels, readings, mixed cultures and courses will definitely boost your drive to your destination. And human relations will add years to your age. The more you meet people, the faster you’ll learn that not all people are good, not everyone is necessarily honest, but above all you’ll know that everything happens for a reason and you’re just too rushed to realize the benefits of everything you go through.

6.   Time

At that point you must have at least heard of time- management, but that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to tell you that it’s never too late. No matter how old you are, you can still live your dream rather than just live in it. Today, the world has changed so much and I’m not trying to sound like a redundant anchor, but it’s true. Today, you can rejoin school and continue with your education. Today, you can resume where you left off and move on to a better you. It can seem ridiculous at first, but if you can open up a catering company only through facebook, I know anything is now possible. Just consider time as a variable factor, not a constant routine. It’s your right to refuse to be called a retired old man, just as much as you can reject the idea of being another tedious housewife. It’s your time and only you can decide how to spend it.

7.   Jealousy

The green monster isn’t always evil; actually he can help you go somewhere. Pick someone, feel really jealous* of them, don’t envy* because that’s immoral, but just feel that burn of the I want to be like him/her and watch your life change. If they can succeed, so can you. If they can achieve, then for God’s sake, so can you. They are humans just like you, yet the only difference is that they used their full potentials and that rusty thing we usually overlook called the brain. If you can avoid crossing that fine line between jealousy and envy, everything should go in the right direction.

*jealousy: I want to be like someone

*envy: I want to be this someone and I hope he/she dies!

8.   Human Nature

You want to be the better man; that is human nature. Everybody wants to be the best, and do much better than others. Everybody wants to be the center of attention. Everybody wants to be that someone who everyone points at and wish to be him/her someday. Everybody wants everything others don’t have. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, we were born to compete. We were born to try to be distinguished. Use that! Embrace your human side, we’re not angels, if God wanted us to be angels He would have created us that way. But we are not and thank God for that, because that what makes us work even harder, even if just to prove that we are better than others. Any reason, as long as it is legal, is a justifiable one. 

Once Upon a Voting Day!

At exactly 10:30am on a sunny Monday morning, I was standing in line next to my mother ready to give my voice to someone I was in no way terrorized to vote for. This time I was going to take part in making history and witness Egypt as it blossoms into the beautiful democratic country it ought to be. Well, I was a part of making history alright, but the democracy part now seems like a blurry image of something I can’t really tell if it’s real or just mere hallucination!

Since great minds think alike, all women showed up early and I mean all women! The line was endless; it was two streets away from the Mohamed Taymour’s school door where I’m supposed to vote. It was hopeless, part of me actually considered leaving and coming back in the afternoon or may be tomorrow but the look my mum shot me when I started complaining pinned me right where I was, sinking in the muddy streets of Nasr City.

You would think the fact that it was all women would make the four hour long waiting interesting and fun, but as it appeared women didn’t talk about politics, in fact we were ordered by one bossy woman not to talk about the candidates because she considered that to be a form of advertising and influencing. So, what else women talked about? Food, yes it came down to the point that women were exchanging recipes, actually two got into an argument of whether it was better to use garlic chopped or minced when preparing molokheya! And knowing that my knowledge about cooking ends at microwaves you can guess how happy I was.

As the street got busier with cars dropping off women and the sun was growing merciless, a young woman appeared with a megaphone screaming that any woman above 60, pregnant or with children should proceed to vote directly. That’s when my mum chose to sarcastically mock me for not bringing my 20 months old baby along.

By 1:30pm my back was killing me and my feet were slowly outgrowing my boots but on the bright side the school’s door was at least visible to me. Right in front of the school, there was a Muslim brotherhood booth with lots of men wearing hats with “El horeya wal Adala” logo, they weren’t actually promoting for their candidates, not in an obvious way at least, but they were lecturing people on how to vote. Other parties sent in their youths wearing t-shirts with printed logos distributing informational flayers about their candidates. Some women refused to take those flyers because that was unethical while others took them then threw the flayers away.

Approaching the gate, we were walking a lot faster now; I had to part ways with my mother because we were in different voting committees. My battery was dead by then so we agreed on a meeting point. I headed to committee number 75 and I was devastated to find a line again. But with the scary bossy lady off the radar we were free to talk about politics, candidates, and the SCAF whichever way we liked. One woman innocently joked about the Mubarak era saying that he saved us from the elections hastiness, when another woman starting yelling “who’s saying Mubarak? Do you have any idea what he did to us? He robed us blind?!” After we soothed things out between the two and prevented what could easily turn into a catfight considering the heat and the long hours came my favorite part, the talk about the candidates and the parties. I was voting for “El Kotla Al Masreya” and “Mostafa el Naggar” out many reasons but the most important, I think, is to bring diversity to the parliament. Almost everyone I know, including my grandparents, are voting for Muslim Brotherhood and I just don’t want to repeat the farce of the NDP all over again.

Just as I wrapping up my wise political theory, three army soldiers barged into our diminishing line yelling, “Lobna Khairy! Where’s Lobna Khairy?!” I swear it was my first time to be aware of my knees’ existence, my heart just pounded as the thought of being arrested, tortured and rapped like the horror stories I hear about women’s interrogations in the Egyptian police station brought vomit to my mouth. I replied hesitantly, that my unfortunately I was she, one of the soldiers answered “your mum is waiting for you outside” Could I be any more embarrassed? My mum actually sent the “army” to look for me when I was just lecturing the women, who by the way were much older than I am, about the importance of diversity in the political scene!

It was almost 2:00pm when I was up next to vote. I was doubtful and scared; what if I marked the wrong person? What if I took too long and people started complaining like it happened before with other candidates? But the truth was the people in that small filthy, if I may add, classroom was more helpful than I could have ever imagined. They guided me through every step and successfully managed my stupidity. And I voted without messing it up. For the very first time, I wasn’t hesitant about my candidates of choice or the vision of the political party I am for. For the very first time, I actually knew what I want for my country’s future to look like and I did my part. I voted!

So as I walked outside the room my head was filled with two thoughts, first, how sorry I felt for those students who have to go to that school because it was unbearably hideous, old and smelly and second, the fact that I, ironically, waited for 4 and a half hours to vote in just 2 minutes!