Monday, May 10, 2010

Call me happy- go- lucky

See… I changed my font; I’m not using Times New Roman anymore; I don’t even want to use it… … I’m lying; I’m dying to change my Trebuchet back to Times New Roman; I’m struggling not to think about it; I’m keeping my fingers busy from changing the font just as I’m restraining myself from calling you…
I swear I’m not trying to annoy you; I just want to show you I care… I want to love you right and give you the attention you need. I want our dates to be perfect and my gifts to be thoughtful…
I didn’t mean to bore you down with all my questions; I want to know you perfectly. I want to learn you inside out; I want to know what makes you happy and what makes you tick. I want to learn your maze and be able to go in and out smoothly. I want to spare you the tiresome of hinting. I want to do everything you want me to do without even asking.

Before you came along I had no real friends. Before you came along I felt like I’ve been used and taken for granted, everyone knows I’ll plan the perfect event, buy just the perfect gift and prepare the perfect guest list. When they ask me to do such a thing, they think that it’s more like a compliment to me, that I’ll think of it as an expression for their unconditional trust in my decisions or maybe I’ll get fooled when they call me the superstar. It’s more of an insult actually because my so-called friends know that I’ll perfect any task they hand me, they know I can’t help but to do that, so they leave me all alone, to work, to plan and to buy while they go on with their fun-filled lives, leaving all the heavy lifting to me. But I can’t help it…

At work, no one questions my decisions, no one double check my work. I’m supposed to feel flattered and motivated. But I feel neglected…
When I’m at home, I spend my time cleaning and organizing. I go by my day tidying and managing. I live my life wondering what will go wrong if I stopped perfecting every damn single think but I can’t help it…

I hear people laughing at me; I know what they think of me. It’s complicated how they admire my attitude yet abhor it. But I’m no longer impressed nor grateful… I’m bored…
I’m tired of living in a suit I’m constantly worried to wrinkle. I’m tired of being used. I’m tired of losing man I’ve ever loved because I care so much, but I can’t help it…

I can’t help it because I fear failure and hate disappointment…
I can’t help it because I don’t like being judged…
I can’t help it because I don’t want to be rejected, if that’s what people like in me so be it, I’m a perfectionist…
I can’t help it because I loathe mistakes and the silly people who make them…
I can’t help it because I fear the unknown…
I can’t help it because I want to play the idol role…
I can’t help it because I crave acceptance…
I can’t help it because I seek praise…
I can’t help it because I aim security and certainty…
I can’t help it because I love success and uniqueness…

There… I’m exposed… Yet, I don’t want perfectionist to be my thing, especially after you told me you’ll leave. Usually, in a much similar circumstance, I’d switch on my stubborn mode and be the most perfect perfectionist I’ll ever be… But I’m not after changing only for you. Like you, I’m not happy, I’m never satisfied and I’m constantly tired to please this and that and maintain an image I’m wishing to destroy…

I saw your face flushed with anger and pity. I saw you raise your hand in question why do I act that way. I feel you like the outgoing person you rarely saw in me. I feel you want to destroy my conservativity and the schedule book I never fail to leave. I feel you want me to laugh at silly jokes, take a break every once in a while and enjoy life, and so am I…

I’m 22 years old, yet I’m living the life of an 80 years old. I want to live spontaneously and act my age. I want to throw my worries behind and live if just for a while outside the perfectionism curse… I truly want that and I’ll act on it…

See… I told you I can be informal, I told you I can speak my mind without editing my thoughts, I told you I have that alter gene… I told you I can be happy-go-lucky.


Sunday, May 2, 2010

Hooked on Firsts!

(Published in Magnificent Magazine - Mirror issue 2010)

Back in the days when lollipops meant more to me than jewelry, I believed that men who couldn’t find it in them to commit were either constantly falling for the crazy ones or flat out womanizers. I believed that the success of any relationship fell on the woman’s shoulders only. I believed that whenever a woman is dumped or divorced it’s the result of her own stupidity and flawed nature. I believed that women must marry before the age of 25 and men wed whenever they felt like it. I believed that cheating is only allowed for men. I believed that only men can marry more than once. But I also believed that eating white marshmallows on New Year’s Eve brings luck and happiness!

Time passed by crushing all my naïve theories- including that of white marshmallows- under its big feet and I saw relationships as a world on its own with its young, youths and elders. I saw hearts being crushed for no fault of their owners. I saw couples separate because they don’t want to be together anymore. I saw one-sided love. I saw women cheat, marry by the age of 35, get a divorce and re-marry. I saw men confused, defeated and weak. I saw people get married behind their parents’ backs, despite their approvals and defy traditions. I saw men who cannot commit to one woman and they’re neither womanizers nor suffering bad luck. I saw men, who despite the fact that they’re seeking a stable relationship, give up quickly and move on in search of another and I had to pause…

I thought good for women, for their growing ability to say no, to change their present, to make mistakes, choose and aim for a more convenient future; but the men?! The men who, all over the world, are stereotyped as cheaters, pigs that are only looking to satisfy their desires and partners who wouldn’t wait around for intimacy to happen.
Why would a man, aiming commitment and has no jitters whatsoever, lose the ability to commit? Why would he, if not a player, rush from one relationship to another? What makes a man leave behind a woman he really likes if he senses potential for success?

Because he’s hooked on firsts!

The story usually goes like this; a nice man meets a nice lady, sparks fly all over the place, hormones start pumping through their veins. The man meets his testosterone craze while the woman faces her estrogen, creating the ultimate physical pull. Then attraction on every other level happens because of a game our brains master through love chemicals. Dopamine, “the pleasure chemical”, is released causing the euphoric rush and endless craving towards the significant other. Followed by Norepinephrine, which has the adrenaline-like effect, creating the racy heart beats and excitement lovers get when hearing their partners’ names. Together, Dopamine and Norepinephrine, produce what relationships-terms refer to as firsts, starting with sleeplessness all the way to loss of appetite. Add obsession, because of the decreased Serotonin levels, and the lover becomes the one and only thing in mind.

So love happens because of a chemical cocktail the brain releases when the timing and conditions couldn’t be more perfect. Accordingly, there are those who may get hooked on the love chemicals. They’re referred to as love junkies, love addicts, high on love or even firsts addicts. They crave that rush, elation and obsession love chemicals produce at the early beginnings of relationships and as their bodies build up tolerance to those chemicals, they start to crave more and more of the mysterious love potion. That’s why they usually go from one relationship to the next in search of a love fix. And giving the fact that men are more visual than women, they happen to get hooked on firsts faster and more frequently than women. That doesn’t mean that it never happens for women, it does, but since almost all women cherish the effort and time they invest in relationships and the fact that most women are very emotional, it’s highly unlikely for them to call it quits out of steadiness.

That being said, the hooked- on- firsts- people end a relationship because, for them, it’s not exciting anymore, it no longer delivers that rush they desire and it’s going in the direction of utter boredom. Therefore, you can find a man who couldn’t be more thrilled about his new partner and rush-filled relationship, but then when the firsts are over and the commitment phase starts to blossom, he loses interest along with his fix, thus thinking this relationship and this partner is not for him and moves on to the next. And you can find a man who after a long pursuit to be with an extraordinary woman, the moment he gains her approval is the one when the captivating lights shut off and he finds himself stuck with nothing but an ordinary woman in a boring relationship that needs to end.

A lot of people debate over the notion of whether love is addictive or not. Science settled the case with the fact that for some people, mostly men, love do get to their heads and become their grand quest. And since the case of love junkies isn’t yet out in the open, once you sense that you or your partner are hooked on firsts, you need to know that having a long-term relationship won’t be a walk in the park. For you have to keep the flame alive, that adrenaline rush present, the hormones elevated and the chase endless. Even if you need to separate for a while, travel some place new or pick up a new hobby. As long as you’re honest about it, love will always be that thrill you desire.