Friday, November 2, 2012


In one of my many, many, moments of desperation and the rumbles of me failing as a mother - the fact that I was not able to potty train my boy in two weeks and the fact that it has been three months since I have started... I had a thought...

What if I was magically turned into someone else?

Someone who did not get married as young as I did; someone who do not have the responsibilities that I shoulder. What if my life was only about work, success and more success?

The mere thought of a new life and a new me flattered my ego and had blood pumping through my veins. Could it be that I am not happy? Or is it just another attempt at satisfaction?

The role that I play daily, being a loving wife and a warm mother who rarely show discontent... It is just NOT WORKING! I am either faking a smile or cutting my demons loose. I find it boring... Not my style; and I feel guilty!

I want nothing but the best for my almost three year old son when all I am giving him is orders, screams, and the occasional " you're a naughty boy!"

I love my man to death, he is the love of my life, yet I manage somehow to always, I mean always, point out his flaws.

I have been going through this over and over in my head, for two years now and I realized... I AM NOT HAPPY

It is not that my son is "naughty" all kids are, it is not that my husband is flawed, I can write pages about my identity crisis, it is me... And that is something very hard for a Leo to admit. I do not need a different life... I need better time-management skills!

I need to get angry, or better yet re-focus my anger towards myself, rather than spraying it out on everyone else!

I see people, all around me, making it work for themselves... Succeeding in whatever they want to do, even if it was about making a casserole!

So, I am putting my anger out there, for the world to read...

I am angry... At me... And not someone else...

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Why do you wake up in the morning?!

During a much casual conversation which started out as a meaningless talk to keep us alert after an intense night of serious clubbing, my husband simply asked, why do you wake up for in the morning?

Trying to hide the fact that this simple question struck a deep wound in my heart, I instantly, yet carefully replied; to work... I lied, because lately I've been turned between two lives, two worlds where I'm the only common factor, the life of a housewife who still didn't reach the point of desperation and that of a career woman who has a lot on her plate. I pretend to work, ye, that is my ugly truth so I don't feel useless and worth of a nothing. I pretend to write while all I do I just stare at a blank page with no words and no intention to be filled with words.

The question, why do you wake up in the morning, has no answer in my book. I don't know why I wake up in the morning. I want to work, in fact I have tons of dream and goals I wish I can fulfill, yet I allow the days to slip away and burn my dreams...

I have the same goals since 2009 and yet I always startle when I come across a note with an old date showing my achievement skills are up to nothing. It's as if all that I'm good for is watching other people live the life that I want and do nothing about it as if I have no will power... If I continue like this I will definitely end up a nothing and i'm not used to being a nothing.

In another life, I should be waking up for what should be worthy to and of me , the multiple fires that would drive me right out of that bed but I'm putting them all down as a result of my slackness...

My baby boy, my husband, my work, my home, my family, friends and life...

I need to start living my life instead of dreaming and fantasizing about it... I need to get it together and suck it up for once till I make it through... I need that feeling of a proud worthy woman back... I desperately need it...

Everyday I realize that what I'm doing right now is not enough to get me where I want to be yet I do nothing about it... 

Why do you wake up in the morning? 
Answer: blank

Monday, February 13, 2012

Ever thine... ever mine... ever Ours

All my life I swore never to depend on a man for happiness,
Yet, here I am… writing with your pen… on a paper you bought me… in your home… waiting for you…
You have made my life magical in ways that I never thought is real.
You have made every Valentine’s more special…
You have made every impossible… Possible

For forever my name will be connected to yours…
My entire life… Presence and future relies on you…
It is hard for me to admit that
But without you I do not exist…
I grew up in your arms
I became a woman and a mother because of you…
I love you with everything than I am
I am yours and you, my love, shall forever be mine…

Ever thine… Ever mine… Ever ours…

Friday, January 27, 2012

To all the morons out there...

In my head I won a nobel prize
In my head I’m friends with Oprah
In my head I’m a renowned writer,
         One who matters
In my head I’m the world’s focus
   My every word is important
   My every move is worth covering
In my head I’m a bestselling author
In my head I’m better than Paulo Coelho
In my head everyone is interested to
               Know me
In my head I’m the reason why the world
             Is a better place
In my head my existence matter
In my head I’m named by people’s magazine
      The no.1 most influential person
In my head I build an effective education system
In my head I’m the reason behind every
             Great change
In my head I’m a supermom
            One whose kids look up to her
In my head I’m flawless
In my head I’m the perfection of
In my head I’m fabulous
In my head I’m the one who
        Sets the standards
In my head I’m always smiling
In my head I reach satisfaction
In my head I’m a mogul
In my head I’m the source of
In my head I die a noble death
In my head I leave while
In my head I live the full life
In my head the whole world
         Mourns my death
In my head I die young
        Never to be forgotten
In my head I’m larger than life

So please,
the next time you see me don’t just tell me I’m beautiful

Monday, January 9, 2012

Top 8 sources of POWER!

What a world we live in! One day you’re ready to take over the planet and on the next you feel like everything is worthless and every attempt is useless. It’s very easy to give up and torturous to keep going. We try to find that power we need to continue, to persevere and in rare cases to excel yet it becomes almost impossible to find optimistic people when you’re down. It becomes too dark when you need light to guide you through your already bumpy road.

To find reasons to quit, that’s easy; but where can you find that power to go the extra mile? Where can you get that fire to thrive and achieve uniqueness?
 Books? Too Cliché… Internet? May be, but you have to go through a hell of personal experiences that might or might not work for you. People? Well, I don’t want to seem mean but not all people mean well, in fact sometimes they’d rather see you dead than succeed. So, it’s better, always better, to depend on oneself and exert that extra effort on soul searching to get to where you want to be. Think a little bit more, open up your eyes because not everyone is that lucky to catch their chance train, and you’ll find your torch. As for a start, I have got eight sources for you, may be one will work!
1.   Faith
You won’t believe what faith can do to your life! If you have faith in your dream; if you have faith in the realization of it; if you can see yourself perfectly and comfortably fitting there, then it will happen! Have faith in your abilities; in the possibility of tomorrow; in the ever changing fate and you shall succeed.
Trust Allah and in the power of prayer; trust that He can hear you and He shall grant you nothing but the best and you’ll be blessed with the inner-peace you need to focus on nothing but your dream. Faith is a must if you ever want to become, period.
2.   Love
In utopia, love should be a sufficient source of power. It should lift you up and push you to be a better person. In the real world, sometimes love kills ambition when all you care for is to be with that person you love all the while knowing that he/she will love you no matter what you become or don’t become, WRONG!
That hopeless romantic concept, I believe to be, too naive and shallow, because I’m a firm believer in constructive love, where two people hold hands to move forward; to motivate and support each other to become the best they can be.
Love is actually the most effective weapon of all, whether you choose to love yourself deeply as to see yourself worthy of nothing but the best or you choose to love and be loved by others, in the normal sense, love was never made to be destructive.
3.   Loss
Yes! As much as any form of loss hurts and jabs, but it’s a real life-changer, I should know! Ever since my father’s death, I hated failures and weaknesses. I chased success in every corner as if my life depended on it. I refused people who called my vulnerable; I was trying really hard to prove them wrong. I didn’t want anyone to think that my dad left a fragile girl behind, easy to break and too heavy to move. I wanted to be his best work, I still am trying. And I pray for him every day because it’s because of him that now I know my passions, dreams and aspirations. And he’s the reason why I want to carry on my plan, to make him proud of who I shall become.
4.   Acquaintances
My mom always told me that good friends bring good and bad ones bring nothing but bad. And you know what, I believe her; although if you asked me 7 years ago I would have firmly disagreed! Yet, she always pushed me to befriend the top 5 students in my class and I always wondered, why would I care what their grades are? I just want to have fun, popular friends! But she had a point, when you surround yourself with losers, in time you’ll become a loser too with a dumb attitude to prove it. But if you surround yourself with successful people, their aura will haunt you and in no time you’ll be thinking success and you’ll be acting success.
5.   Experience
Your CV is your best representative! Where you’ve been and what you’ve learned can easily add up to where you are going to be. Internships, travels, readings, mixed cultures and courses will definitely boost your drive to your destination. And human relations will add years to your age. The more you meet people, the faster you’ll learn that not all people are good, not everyone is necessarily honest, but above all you’ll know that everything happens for a reason and you’re just too rushed to realize the benefits of everything you go through.
6.   Time
At that point you must have at least heard of time- management, but that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to tell you that it’s never too late. No matter how old you are, you can still live your dream rather than just live in it. Today, the world has changed so much and I’m not trying to sound like a redundant anchor, but it’s true. Today, you can rejoin school and continue with your education. Today, you can resume where you left off and move on to a better you. It can seem ridiculous at first, but if you can open up a catering company only through facebook, I know anything is now possible. Just consider time as a variable factor, not a constant routine. It’s your right to refuse to be called a retired old man, just as much as you can reject the idea of being another tedious housewife. It’s your time and only you can decide how to spend it.
7.   Jealousy
The green monster isn’t always evil; actually he can help you go somewhere. Pick someone, feel really jealous* of them, don’t envy* because that’s immoral, but just feel that burn of the I want to be like him/her and watch your life change. If they can succeed, so can you. If they can achieve, then for God’s sake, so can you. They are humans just like you, yet the only difference is that they used their full potentials and that rusty thing we usually overlook called the brain. If you can avoid crossing that fine line between jealousy and envy, everything should go in the right direction.
*jealousy: I want to be like someone
*envy: I want to be this someone and I hope he/she dies!
8.   Human Nature
You want to be the better man; that is human nature. Everybody wants to be the best, and do much better than others. Everybody wants to be the center of attention. Everybody wants to be that someone who everyone points at and wish to be him/her someday. Everybody wants everything others don’t have. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, we were born to compete. We were born to try to be distinguished. Use that! Embrace your human side, we’re not angels, if God wanted us to be angels He would have created us that way. But we are not and thank God for that, because that what makes us work even harder, even if just to prove that we are better than others. Any reason, as long as it is legal, is a justifiable one.