Men you don't want to be! (Euphoria Magazine April '09)

The first rule every woman receives when about to enter the relationships' world is avoid the cheater, the liar and the cheap. The reason why those three traits stood solid through the test of time is not because of their frequency but because of their distinguishable luminosity visible only to women. Yes! Women can detect the liar, sense the cheater and feel the cheap. However, there are other markers or to be more specific snags surrounding men's personalities which immediately place them on the "men to be avoided" list. So, in order to escape being on that list you don't want to be:

1. The critic
I hate that! Every woman breathing or dead hates that too! Females are sensitive, that's just a curse men have to deal with and so cornering her every move, thought or even taste is suffocating and parentally! Generally speaking, criticizing is unidirectional, it goes from a superior person to someone he believes to be less superior. Thus if your criticism is moving past the it's for your own good phase then she'll react in either of three ways;
a. despise your voice since all you have to say are brutal judgments,
b. bottle up the bitterness inside until she' overly saturated or
c. respond in various aggressive ways that might seem irrelevant to your excessive criticism.
But regardless of the conducts, you'll end up with you getting dumped!

2. The Analyzer
Women of all ages crave men who can listen, understand, empathize and appreciate. But being a listener is one thing and being an analyzer is a completely different thing! Being understood inside out is sweet but being transparent is simply anti-human. Having a partner with whom a woman can unwind and speak her mind unguarded is one of the strongest reasons why she's in a relationship and probably the same reason why she's willing to leave Freud for a deaf man!

3. The rebounder
Saving a drowning man is pretty heroic and an excellent ego booster for women as well. She'll feel more feminine knowing that she has healed your broken heart and made you forgot all about the other woman.
Then why is this repulsing? The problem happens in the security context for it won't be long before she questions your relationship, is it a real thing or just a matter of time before you go hunting! It all depends on your punch line, if it's I just got out of a messy breakup then she'll gladly do the necessary amendments, restore your faith in women, have her moment of glory and leave. She knows it's a rebound relationship from the start, she's not stupid, she knows you're a rebounder and so you're meant to be cut off!

4. The wandering-eye man
Why is it a manly thing?! Whenever I asked a man, why do you check other women out? He casually replies "Because I'm a man!" I, on the other hand, trying my best to silence the demons yelling kill him, decided to search for the logic in his sentence. I even doubted my own information! To the extent that I spent hours researching for a fact to prove that men automatically cheat! Of course there was none, even the infamous monogamy gene is to be found in both men and women. Then it's a mixed matter of respect, self-control and commitment. Women didn't get the impression that men only think with their "sticks" from no where, on the contrary, it took an endless series of stories and stolen glances to build that reputation up. That women escape the company of such men, not only because of their disgusting habit, but because being around a wandering-eye man destroys what's left of a woman's self-confidence and accordingly he has to go!

5. The virtuous guy
It's hard living under the microscope where everything is magnified and divided according to borderlines. Usually preaching is done by parents, those loathed instructions of what's right and what's perceived as wrong without convincing reasons is probably the reason why we're not that attached to them anymore. What any normal person would do when facing such condensed pressure is run towards those who he/she deeply love and know that they won't judge! But when the partner is all about setting rules, defining what is acceptable and what is not, blaming and condemning, directing and moralizing, the entire thing just seem worthless. It's true that a woman loves to feel the wings of a man surrounding her existence, protecting her from whichever dangers she's about to get herself into, yet in a non-parenting, repulsive way. Why is everything wrong? Why the stiffness of the mind? And why the hell are you guiding her? Communicate, debate, convince and every woman will listen. Scare, threat, yell, force and you'll be researching for alternative ways to reproduce!

6. The insecure
Finding a romantic man is like discovering treasure, finding a clingy romantic man is like finding a rotten skull midst the jewels! That's really how bad it is.
As almost every woman dreams of the gentleman who meets her with a flower in his hand and romantic words on his lips, it's the once in a while surprise that defines him as a man who is romantic, not the other way around. But those who speak, walk, talk and sometimes even stalk are clingy beings; women won't see them as men. Unlike what most men believe, women cherish their spaces and they do sense pretentious gestures. If you don't really miss her, she'll know, if you don't really trust her, she'll know and if you don't trust yourself, she'll know it too. At first, your insecurities will seem nice to her, it's nice to have a powerful man feel scared of loosing a woman, it feels good but soon enough, time after time, suffocation after another, she'll translate those signs to insecurities and BAM! You're out of the picture!

7. The changer
As a rule of thumb, no one is capable of changing others. As a matter of fact, I can better relate to helping people see their capabilities and good sides rather than changing them! I can also relate to people trying to adjust to their partners' needs and personalities but not change for them. Since in the end truths prevail, people go back to their normal selves and realize they've been trapped in their own bodies. It's either you love her the way she is or not, for if you keep on putting words in her mouth, brainwashing her with your thoughts, she won't be an individual, but another Stepford wife. Even the Stepford wives took a stance and rebelled, putting their men down!

How to Pause, Stop and Delete an outdated relationship? (He Said She Said Magazine Jan'09)

The ordeal of poisoned hearts!
Relationships come in all different shapes and sizes; there are the ones that last for life, others that cause nothing but a swirl of torments and some that pass by anonymously without a trace! It’s in the second type where the heart finds its poison and anguish. You know it when you’ve given someone and the sake of being with her/him your best shot and ended up defeated in a battle you should have won and bathed in its glory. But as the wind always blows in the wrong direction, we are supposed to resist and find our own way to the right side. Those words are nicely said but hardly ever done. We need factual to implement and steps to follow to rise up from the heartache everyone is destined to experience. And so my dearly beloved, I hereby promise to provide you with nothing but 100% tested tips on how to rescue your poisoned heart, all of which have been tried humans before!

A. How to pause the existing relationship?Pausing your relationship is a very serious step, which is only meant to happen when you feel something’s not right about your love life.
To pause your relationship you have to:
1. Be frank with yourself about your needs and wants from any relationship you might embark.
2. Evaluate your current relationship as well as your partner and see if they both measure up to your essentials.
3. Take some time off from your partner; you need to try life on your own first in order test your feelings away from his/her spell.
Intermission: By following those steps, you have consulted both your heart and mind. Now it’s your call whether to continue with the relationship or move on to the next step and stop.
4. If the fact that you’re still reading is of any indication, I’d say that you decided to stop. But first you need to specify the reasons why you’re calling it quits and be serious about them. Meaning that no matter what, it’s impossible to give your needs up.

B. How to stop an overly done relationship?You made it perfectly clear that you want to end this relationship, but only to yourself! Now, comes the most difficult part, informing your partner about your firm decision.
To stop your relationship you have to:
1. Make a decision on where will the confrontations take place, at your home, at a café or over the phone!
2. Organize your thoughts and your reasons why you need this relationship to stop.
3. Listen to your partner defense, even if you’re mind is set, don’t ever deny her/him that right.
4. Never make a promise to stay friends because no matter how mature or conscious you are, you might fall for her/him again or worse! You might be giving your partner a false hope of winning you over. Accordingly, you’ll both need time to heal before you can be around each and not get hurt!

C. How to delete the outdated relationship?Stopping your relationship yourself doesn’t make it any less painful. Thus, like everyone else, you need to let go and move one.
To delete your relationship you have to:
1. Express your agony outwards not on yourself. Instead of weighting it on your nerves or health, put it out in words, in music, in drawing or even in sweating.
2. Embrace yourself. You are as much responsible for the failure of this relationship as your partner. Take this time to reflect on yourself and work on your negatives.
3. Focus on the bad sides of that relationship. I know it’s uncommon but learning that you’re better off without it makes the letting go hundred times easier.
4. Refuse to talk about it to people if talking doesn’t help heal your wounds.
And finally; adopt this slogan as your life motto; if you know your worth, never settle for less.

Forced into Anti-Valentinism! The every woman's quest for passiom

The silliness of reality lies in its virtual episodes; which is about right, considering how I lived my life as an eccentric soul longing for conventionality! Now, I understand why most people would kill for such a quirky soul, but it is the nonstop chase after the faulty traditions that had me wondering; are people too hypnotized by what is safe, that a little harmless wildness of the heart would scare their much predictable lives? Or is it that social/financial climbing is recklessly hindering that they’re not opened for diversified people? I was, because that’s all in the past now, the diversified people who’s world wasn’t ready to accept and I didn’t have out of this world views, I swear that they were all affordable. My problem recaps in one word, PRE-DEFINED, that is my life, from the day I was born until the moment I peacefully leave this no-longer-fun earth...

It happens to every extraordinary woman when she has the one ordinary dream to enjoy Valentine’s with her man. Call it absurd; call it childish or whatever you may conceive, for it will always stay the fantasy all women of all ages await. I, on the other hand, never got the chance to come around what looks like an utter bliss, worse! I got, or to be more specific, forced to live against it!
My name is... Well, what difference will that make? Let’s just skip the casualties to get to the bundle of joy that is my uncanny life. I was raised in a more or less conservative, modern at some angles, family. Where ethics were a must, success was a bonus and no outbreaks were permissible! Like many people, I believed in Valentine’s, I was fascinated by the phony story as much as the real one and I honestly thought it was the greatest day of the year. Then life happened and it started messing with my head! Wavering between the overly rebellious anti-Valentieners and the obsessed, I somehow ended up believing in Anti-Valentienism! Don’t worry, it’s not a religion, I checked!
However, till that very moment, I’m not sure of the specific factors that contributed to such entrapment, but I remember, if my memory serves me right, the first time it happened as if it was just yesterday. It all started in middle school...

Shot in the prime of life!Yes, I was that young! Still, I was opened to new experiences and as much fun as any 12 year old girl can lever. But, I had exactly two problems; I’m in an all-girls school and the parental control that I suffered from for so long and just when I was about to believe it’s over, it was immediately replaced by a marital clout!
Back to my primal problem, the all-girls school: For those who have been lucky enough not to witness such torture, allow me to describe what it’s like being stuck in such a hardly feminine surrounding. Considering our young age, certain things were expected of us, including obedience, grace and poise!
All of which were available to the naked eye, but what lied beneath that fragile exterior was merely the opposite. As gossip was our sole entertainer during the much anticipated lunch break, girls futures were ruined as they’ll be forever more labelled with the s word, slut!
Although, those girls successful attempts to break free and date non-imaginary boys were extremely admirable. I feared for my own reputation and the welfare of the honourable future I was destined to have. But, at the same time, I couldn’t admit that to my friends, so I had to move to the other party, the anti-Valentiners! To tell you the truth, I craved the boy-girl celebrations but just couldn’t risk my life, it wasn’t worth it and that’s why I needed a stance. In middle school, anti-Valentieners weren’t as outspoken as they usually render later on in life, they don’t do flyers; they don’t construct web pages to demean the occasion nor curse out its believers. On the contrary, they worked in peace! Actually, they worked in two different directions; the first of which targeted the mind where they calmly expressed their beliefs, i.e their parents’, regarding the importance of a girl’s virgin-clean reputation and the blank history that can only be written by the hands of her husband. I was much relieved, back then, to know that there were other drama-junkies other than my own parents. Thus, I had all the right reasons to be an anti-Valentiener, and it was ensured when the second direction was in use. They would recall the adventures of a certain girl and try to predict her future! The horror stories told were enough to block my heart and mind forever. Valentine’s? What Valentine’s?!

Cheers to the girls crippled dreams!In an attempt to stand by my forcefully acquired beliefs, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Since it was my fresh start in the semi-grown up world of high school, it was only logical to start planning for my loveless future. Except that I found myself yet again tied down by this damn day! But this time it was different, there was no one around to judge my desperate gazes at the boy, nor my flaming envious peaks at the sparkling couple. On the contrary, I was harassed for being single! Well, at least THIS was new.
So, I was ready, the thought itself was too overwhelming that it emotionally drained me. I wanted to announce that I’m single, open and ready to mingle in a dignified way. One problem though; I had already established the kind-hearted nerd image, everyone was my friend and that was how guys in particular saw me, their helpful friend, not their girl-friend but rather a sexless person! It was too late now to go back and I already had my eyes set on a certain career, that even the boy couldn’t take my mind off it. Accepting this wretched truth helped me realize all the, literally, stupid things they did in preparations of the glorious Valentine’s Day. I remember Valentine’s to be barely a month away, and it was only time for their plans to transform into actions. The girls hooked up with the nearest moustache to save themselves the heartache of facing Valentine’s alone, others welcomed the once labelled looser guys for the sake of ripping their ex-s hearts out. While the boys went in the opposite direction, they wanted fresh meat on that day; accordingly, they broke up with their uptight currents to warm up for their prince-charming bits and whatever casualties this may bring! Of course they were few, normal couples scattered around with loving girls and guys ready to spend their last penny to see their babies’ smile. Despite them minding their own business, they weren’t spared the mocking, although I viewed them as the only sane, authentic people walking this school grounds. As well as the singles who didn’t believe in pretentious dating or in phony relationships statuses. But, much like my middle-school self, the singles joined the Anti-Valentieners, only this time they were overly rebellious; wearing anything but pink, making a clear statement with boorish quotes to stand their grounds. Both parties skipped classes and abandoned school two days before the day, working their plans and adding their final touches to perfection. Valentine’s came bearing frozen wind to cripple my dreams as well as the joy of others, the picture was complete with the repulsive scenery of the battling sectors each defending something that I know for a fact was only crucial to no one but them. And there I was, once again, mourning the death of a dream I once yearned for but now despise.

Who am I to argue with St.Valentine’s?!I fell for it once and I swore I wasn’t going to fall for it twice! By the time I was leaving the world of games for much mature humankind, I thought the worst was behind me. Everything was falling in its right place; I hardly succeeded in convincing myself that this whole Valentine’s hassle was not for me and that I was destined to have an ordinary uneventful life. Still, I refused to hold the Anti-Valentine’s flag high or any other motto for that matter. I simply, crossed the entire issue out of my agenda. Now all I can see is my career and the joy, I so desperately need my career to bring!
It’s the one thing that happens to all college girls; they evolve like butterflies from cocoons as the quick transition from dating to marriage takes place. Ever since my first year of college, I have been going to engagement parties and wedding ceremonies. I witnessed the girls of my generation as they threw their wildest dreams under the feet of love, marriage and kids. Many of my friends dropped out of school dedicating their full attention to their new centre of attraction, their men. And once again, it was time for Valentine’s which came slightly different that year as there was no room left for pretending to be with someone to rip the hearts out nor was pointless dating welcomed anymore. It could be because in the grown-up world everything must result in revenue and may be because we no longer have all the time in the world to waste it on failing relationships. All of which were obvious to the naked eye, as extravagant restaurants were replaced by less fancier ones, guys were looking for more economic gifts and girls didn’t mind pitching in checks. Valentine’s festivities done for the sake of bragging were no more, it was all about closeness and the fact that happy couples are still at least couples!
All of those sights and feelings caused my old dream back to resurface; I wanted that type of mature Valentine’s, the one based on noting but love and affection. Hold on a second; is this me falling for the same trap again?! Well, you know what they say; it’s hard to forget a scar!

Wherever I go, bad luck follows!As it is always the case with the likes of Helen of Troy, eligible bachelors rush to compete over their hearts and a lifetime of happiness with them. But since I’m no Helen of Troy and not even related to that league, my doorstep was always empty, my eligible bachelors were just men, merely commoners with simple dreams and tight minds. Due to all of the things that you exclusively know about my life and my ever so useless attempts to redeem it for a more exciting one, I don’t want just marriage; I want the relationship first and then come the marriage. Regardless of the numerous heartaches my mum faked each time I rejected, who she believes to be, my perfect match, all I want is someone to share my life and dreams with. And since I can’t tell whether I’m more of a practical or an emotional person, I don’t believe I’ll find Mr. right anytime soon! That being settled, I embarked my work life in a carefree attitude, with no expectations whatsoever. And so my days were lived, emptily, until one day, I saw him, he, a young thriving executive; sitting right there in front of me inquiring about bank loans. Putting aside the fact that I’m pretty sure I gave out all the wrong info, our relationship developed to a serious level. Yes, I’m in a relationship, with a successful smart man who appreciates companionship and doesn’t care what people think. At first, I felt so blessed to find someone who’s totally the opposite of all the snobbish guys I hated back in high school, but as our marriage happened quite fast yet smoothly, I was to spend Valentine’s Day as a rather married woman. Therefore, I looked forward to that day when I’ll finally get to enjoy it my way. Another good aspect about marriage is that I got to be a part of the couple’s world; we were invited to elegant soirees, weddings, dinner parties and my personal favourite horseback riding picnics. Feeling that I was living the life I’ve always wanted, I went to my husband with the goofiest smile ever and innocently asked him: “what are we going to do for Valentine’s? Should we do the accustomed dinner or steal two days of getaway heaven?”
Being in the wretched state I was, all I recall from his shocking reply is: “Are you serious? We are married now, Valentine’s happen each day, I don’t need something or someday to remind me of how much I love you. Plus, don’t you think this whole Valentine’s Day drama is silly, I mean where’s the specialness if I’m forced to celebrate my love for you on some day that has nothing to do with our special occasions?” I had to hide anywhere before the word vomit ate up what was left in my marriage. I took it all in as there was no space for me to grief, I had to swallow the sword and smile to the world!
Two weeks away from the Valentine’s I’ll never get to celebrate, one of married lady friends called me, all curious about our first Valentine’s as newlyweds! Of course I had to fake it, what else was I supposed to do? I repeated his words and worse supported his anti-Valentiener’s views!
My bitterness went away when I found her supporting his views and how, according to her, she envy me for not having to put up with the nerve-wracking dinner preparations and shopping for the non-existing perfect gift.
She really made me feel thousand times better and helped me realize that in the marital world such trivialities are not important. However, that same woman, called me screaming with pain to vent on how her loving husband totally forgetting about Valentine’s, came home EMPTY-HANDED!!

My final resurrection attempt
As grey hair started their colonizing mission, life got somehow slower, not easy but just slower. Major responsibilities were lifted off my shoulders and it was about time for me to enjoy what’s left of my irony-based world. Each year I hoped for my husband to surprise me with anything on my Day, but as I open the door with a big smile, I have to close it with a disappointed smile.
What’s wrong with me celebrating Valentine’s with the only man I’ve ever truly loved? Lots of people do, so why can’t I?! I don’t want to do it for the wrong reasons and I’m certainly not looking for the most romantic couples’ award. I know when I’m anti-Valentine and when I’m all for it. So, I decided to make it happen for me. As our kids headed out to celebrate their own Valentine’s, I planned the entire thing. I was looking for something simple, sweet and by all means romantic as hell. Hence, I set the scene, cooked the dinner, wore the right clothes, bought the perfect gift and waited for my husband. As soon as I heard his car horns calling for the doorman, I turned off the lights. I ran by the door and waited anxiously till he finds his keys and unlock the door. As soon as he opened the door, I screamed “Happy Valentine’s Day” He casually replied “Honey, what are you doing? We’re too old for this”!!