Sunday, October 12, 2014

Have you met your worst nightmare?!

Have you ever met your worst nightmare? I had… today… literally!
The day starting as per normal… Me racing out of bed, reaching for my favorite cup half asleep and struggling to prepare a warm cup of coffee to balance my twirling head. I sat down and fetched my phone to dabble a bit on the ever-misleading facebook till I’m ready to go by my day.
Scrolling down… kept scrolling till I found something that caught my eye. A friend sharing her death analysis! Yup! “Know when and why you will die,” I read.
To tell you the truth, I’m not a superstitious type of girl. While it is true that I enjoy the occasional coffee cup reading sessions offered by a relative of mine, yet I don’t usually give it much thought. But I was up, had a few minutes to spare away from the thesis writing rabbit hole, so why the hell not?!
So I clicked on the link, agreed to share my info but made sure this will not be posted on my timeline- little did I know that I will be writing about it later today for the world to see- I chose “Analyze” and a second later I was covered with boiling coffee!

I felt the cold numbness crawling up my spine, my eyes popping out the way only Tom the cat knows how to pull off, and I irrationally threw away the phone terrified that the words will latch on to me. I got up, washed for the Morning Prayer and prayed long enough to shake what I have just read off my mind.
I dreamt it… I have seen it… Not once, but twice!
The first time was months ago… The dream was so intense that I felt the heat of the flames burning the side of my neck crisp and the cold sharp metal of the car penetrating my ribs. I heard my own voice calming my trembling nerves, “it will be over soon… I’ll be dead soon”
And the second time was only three weeks ago… less intense but vivid enough for my right leg to cringe every time I recall the rolling of the car and the sound of my bones cracking with every hit they get…
It is not a matter of when, because I don't know how my life will turn out. I'm working today for a near future that I have absolutely no idea of whether it will satisfy my ego or my hunger for uniqueness. I'm happy today but I'm not sure about tomorrow. It was never the quantity for my life as much as it has everything to do with the quality.
For that I know this may sound silly… I know this might seem like a trivial quiz on facebook but it touched a fear I have been dealing with for months. Simply, this is not how I want to die…
If it was up to me; I wish to die young on my favorite praying mat. May be I’m choosing the easy way out, for God will forgive all my sins and for me to walk the “sirat” with confidence like a proud graduate knowing her way to receive the certificate with the highest honors. Just like that! No struggles, no sickness, no pain; as peaceful as a sleeping baby.
But I still believe in the power of prayer. If I want this then I will work hard enough and pray as sincerely as I can for God to hear me and grant me my wishes. Yet, if I die in a car accident then this thing should be studied and investigated if I might add. Because how on earth would you know that! How can you guess that?! I have never written a post about my love for driving, or the fact that I love my car the way I would if I had a third child, or the fear of crashing, or that this is the exact same age my dad died, or the fact that I dread this number... Nothing!
I think I will wait and see… But I’m telling you if on the 9th of October 2059 I died in a car accident don’t call it fate! Say that she had already read her tribute and wrote about it. That is of course if you are still around!


Saturday, August 23, 2014


I blow smoke to your face
To everything you stand for and everything you believe in
To your invincible chains and countless restrictions

Here I am standing right where you told me not to
Wearing what you once called unacceptable
Holding something you never thought I knew
Inhaling poison to exhale your toxins out

You taught me love then took it away
You fed me security then left me alone
You gave me freedom yet you forbade it

And here I am… blowing smoke to your face

I no longer fear you…
I no longer need you…
I no longer belong to you…

Watch me walk away
Watch me as I succeed
Watch me as I stand my worth
Watch me as I move on
Watch me as I kiss another man

And weep…
Grab your heart
Present it to me
And I’ll refuse

I will not fall for you
I will not pity you
I will not give you another chance

I won and you lost
I broke your code and spread my virus
I stole your strength and left you restless
I am building a future while you’re living in the past

I have grown stronger… I broke free
Look at me...
Now I can blow smoke to your face


Monday, November 11, 2013

Excuse me while I Gloat!

Today, I saw the look in a girl's eyes... A girl who used to intimidate me...

Today I intimidated her!

I have awakened all her weaknesses and vulnerability.

I was the image she wanted to be and that satisfied me...

I felt powerful, successful, and afraid.

The fear was overpowering; that of losing what I have mercilessly earned...

Today... I... WON!


Monday, February 11, 2013

On finding my "calling" or whatever!

I have come a long way from knowing absolutely nothing about my gifts, to knowing a little bit, to thinking that I know it all, to here... Where I am flat out confused!

Between the words, the fashion, the media, and the academics, I'm completely and impressively lost!

So I keep on reading, researching, and revisiting my old passions in a desperate attempt to discover what Oprah names my CALLING...

There are two types of people in everyone's life; those who are there to make you appreciate your gifts; others who will make you want to start over.

Pain is never exclusive

In my world; WORDS speak louder than ACTIONS.

A life-taught lesson; shame commences revolutions.

When it comes to beauty, God has the best taste.

Lies are always subjective; honesty is rarely objective.

Either figure out a way to worthiness, or create an exit for uselessness.

The older we grow, the lonelier we get. Period

Wish I had spent time wasted thinking about me, rather than on what people might think of me.

Ignoring is the best instantaneous cure.

Waiting does put out fires; passions too,

There is always a Plan B.

A talented man creates possibilities out of nothing; a tedious man kills what he loves the most.

One day my dreams will be my present.

The deadliest combination is a tongue that moves faster than the mind; and a mind that moves faster than actions.

Chances are to be taken at your risk. Period

The moment you'll stop feeling sorry for yourself is the same moment all your excuses will jump right out of the window.

Don't blame me for my slackness when all you did was make excuses for me.

Maturity kicks in when YOU are no longer your BIGGEST concern.

Logic is not the same with everyone. Period

Choosing a path does not guarantee the commitment.

It is not important to know what you want, knowing what you need is enough.


Friday, November 2, 2012


In one of my many, many, moments of desperation and the rumbles of me failing as a mother - the fact that I was not able to potty train my boy in two weeks and the fact that it has been three months since I have started... I had a thought...

What if I was magically turned into someone else?

Someone who did not get married as young as I did; someone who do not have the responsibilities that I shoulder. What if my life was only about work, success and more success?

The mere thought of a new life and a new me flattered my ego and had blood pumping through my veins. Could it be that I am not happy? Or is it just another attempt at satisfaction?

The role that I play daily, being a loving wife and a warm mother who rarely show discontent... It is just NOT WORKING! I am either faking a smile or cutting my demons loose. I find it boring... Not my style; and I feel guilty!

I want nothing but the best for my almost three year old son when all I am giving him is orders, screams, and the occasional " you're a naughty boy!"

I love my man to death, he is the love of my life, yet I manage somehow to always, I mean always, point out his flaws.

I have been going through this over and over in my head, for two years now and I realized... I AM NOT HAPPY

It is not that my son is "naughty" all kids are, it is not that my husband is flawed, I can write pages about my identity crisis, it is me... And that is something very hard for a Leo to admit. I do not need a different life... I need better time-management skills!

I need to get angry, or better yet re-focus my anger towards myself, rather than spraying it out on everyone else!

I see people, all around me, making it work for themselves... Succeeding in whatever they want to do, even if it was about making a casserole!

So, I am putting my anger out there, for the world to read...

I am angry... At me... And not someone else...


Sunday, September 2, 2012

Why do you wake up in the morning?!

During a much casual conversation which started out as a meaningless talk to keep us alert after an intense night of serious clubbing, my husband simply asked, why do you wake up for in the morning?

Trying to hide the fact that this simple question struck a deep wound in my heart, I instantly, yet carefully replied; to work... I lied, because lately I've been turned between two lives, two worlds where I'm the only common factor, the life of a housewife who still didn't reach the point of desperation and that of a career woman who has a lot on her plate. I pretend to work, ye, that is my ugly truth so I don't feel useless and worth of a nothing. I pretend to write while all I do I just stare at a blank page with no words and no intention to be filled with words.

The question, why do you wake up in the morning, has no answer in my book. I don't know why I wake up in the morning. I want to work, in fact I have tons of dream and goals I wish I can fulfill, yet I allow the days to slip away and burn my dreams...

I have the same goals since 2009 and yet I always startle when I come across a note with an old date showing my achievement skills are up to nothing. It's as if all that I'm good for is watching other people live the life that I want and do nothing about it as if I have no will power... If I continue like this I will definitely end up a nothing and i'm not used to being a nothing.

In another life, I should be waking up for what should be worthy to and of me , the multiple fires that would drive me right out of that bed but I'm putting them all down as a result of my slackness...

My baby. Boy, my husband, my work, my home, my family, friends and life...

I need to start living my life instead of dreaming and fantasizing about it... I need to get it together and suck it up for once till I make it through... I need that feeling of a proud worthy woman back... I desperately need it...

Everyday I realize that what I'm doing right now is not enough to get me where I want to be yet I do nothing about it... 

Why do you wake up in the morning? 
Answer: blank


Friday, March 23, 2012

Studying the Egyptian media coverage for the elections

Please answer this survey