Sunday, October 25, 2009

Set your standards straight before it's TOO LATE (Euphoria Oct'09)

Among the strong comeback of arranged marriages and the endless search for the perfect soul mate, almost everyone manages to fall for the wrong ones and for the wrong reasons.
"How can I tell if he/she is right for me?" has become the mystery of all that is mysterious, especially if we only aim is momentary happiness. While all we need is to think about our needs, measure the demands of our partners, open our minds to different opinions and have the courage to discuss the following topics…

Why are you proposing? And why am I listening to you?There's such thing as the concept of marriage which you either approve of or despise. If you despise it, then why bother looking! But if you approve, you need to go over the concept yourself one last time before questioning your future partner's. So, why do you want to get married? Is it love? Companionship? Kids? Security? Financial security? Social status? Independence? Or seeking a normal environment for your kids?!
Whatever your reasons may be, don't be ashamed of them as there's no wrong reason for marriage. But there are incompatible reasons, for instance, if you're getting married because you want children, but he hates the idea of having kids. Then this relationship is doomed. Yet, don't go bragging about your reasons either, especially if they tend to scare people away or send them the wrong message. Like if you're aiming money, or certain social status. Keep them to yourself till you hear his/her reasons first or at least till you grasp what kind of a person he/she is.

What do wife and husband mean to you?Lots of couples tend to clash over this specific point, although it makes a hot subject for a struggling TV show! However, because each of us has his/her different theory regarding the duties of wives and husbands, life can get pretty difficult in terms of understanding and appreciating. But regardless of how the world view your duties as a wife or a husband, what are you willing to do and offer? As a husband, would you mind babysitting the kids as your wife have a girls' night out? As a wife, are you willing to clean up after your husband's mess? "How far can you go" should be the question. How do you view your part and how does your partner view his? Are you a traditional, more like very classical person, or can you accept changes?! This subject is crucial for you guys to discuss and set straight once and for all.

Expecting much?
Expectations go on the other side of the previous question. Because it's not only enough to know your role in marital life, it's equally important to think and talk about your expectations. Actually, no, I change my mind, this subject is way more important.
You need to know what your partner expects from you in all different aspects and you should be honest about yours too, even if they sound too demanding. Put them out there and start discussing. It's better than being hit in the face by the fact that your man is very traditional and expecting you to sweep the floors yourself!

What about my career?This is the first question I asked my partner and the first question ever woman should ask hers. Even if you're not a career- oriented woman who values being a wife and a mum, does your man want this? Or would he rather go for a working woman? Because, unlike what we've been told, men don't always prefer housewives and it's needless to say that in that case he's free to go. Nevertheless, if your potential guy doesn't have a problem with you working nor your working conditions, still you need to think things through with yourself first. Are you working to pass free time, or do you dream of a high profile career? Would you take a break to look after the kids? Would you settle for a less demanding job, if you can't cope? According to your answers to the above questions, both of you would be able to portray a much life-like image for your future, when to have kids? Do you need to hire help? The financial responsibilities? So, you need another reason to talk. And be very clear with him regarding your plan as to not be surprised by the common action of "you're my wife now and I demand you to stay at home!"

Do you believe privacy goes with commitment?
Some men work hard to keep their women away from their business world. May be they want for a single part in their lives to remain single, may be it's a manly concept, their secret bank accounts or they know flat out that their wives won't bless their work ethics. Therefore, they prefer privacy. And sometimes it goes beyond practicality to friendships and social calendars, to demanding some alone time like a weekend with friends or private gatherings at some club. Distance is beneficial and often mandatory to keep romance alive, but are you all for a mysterious partner? Or would you prefer him to be involving, honest, including you in almost every activity in his life? Can you stand being around him all the time? Can he stand being with you day and night without loosing the passion? But remember, if he's mysterious before marriage; don't expect him to be any different afterwards. If you cherish your alone time, don't you dare think you'd appreciate his none stop company.

Kids; how many? When? How to raise them?Kids can secretly cause an unfixable crack between couples when one of them is not being honest with his/her plans. You may be thinking it's too soon to talk babies, but it's not, especially that it can reveal so much about yourself and your partner that you may be reluctant to talk about. Such as both of your religious status, what are your limits and no-no's? What are the things you don't like about yourselves and upbringings that you'd like to avoid when raising your kids? Do you have a financial plan to support the children? Simply because the kids issue comes as a sort of a given for some people, especially women, while forgetting all about their men who may want to wait for some reason that's important to them.

What're your future plans?
It comes as a shocker to many that there're people with no ambitions, who seek a standard job with a standard salary and a standard way of life. Those people may find their match but after a series of failed attempts, as ambition happens to be a forgettable quality, people assume it comes with every human gene. So, after they neglect talking about it, one gets amazed by the fact that his/her partner is either too ambitious or effortlessly settling for less. Business plans is another subject worth talking about, as it will automatically defines your spending limits, savings, if the idea exists in the first place, when to have kids and the most controversial topic of working abroad.

Blow off technique?Or better yet, how to deal with each other?! Especially when things get a little rough, because during happy, relaxing fun times, couples may reach their peak of understanding and joy but when the crap hits the fan, it's very difficult and confusing knowing what exactly that you should do or avoid doing! Thus, enjoy an evening of angry stories, tips on how to cool off your potential partner anger and let him/her learn a thing or two about your dark side before you crash for good…

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

How to tell the relationship is over?! (He Said She Said Sept'09)

I wasn't able to write my August article for He Said She Said Magazine

The ordeal of night blindness...

Seeing the best in people is always the easiest choice. It just saves a lifetime of endless wonderment, thinking and blaming. Settling for what you already have has always been effortless compared to the tiring restless journey of looking for the next best thing. But sometimes holding onto things comes from the inner refusal to give up on the effort exerted to attain them in the first place. Relationships are no different; they may require years to build them, tears to maintain them, sweat to keep them interesting yet when it comes to ending, none of the above are overlooked or even forgotten. That's why people cling, agree to stay in a relationship that is doomed and throw away their rights in humanity when their partners abuse and mistreat them.
This time I won't be taking my Eve-ian orientation in mind, I won't stand by the defeated woman who is forced to stay in a relationship because she has no other options or so she thinks. I won't abide by the new weak male figure that can't speak up and demand a fair trial since apparently heartless women rule the world now. I'll be brutal and just as merciless when handling such an issue simply because I've had it with people suffering from permanent night blindness…
So, you can tell your relationship is over when:
- You're always taken for granted. Your partner expects you to always be there, always be truthful and always be as loving regardless of their intended distancing.
- You've become the second option when they have nothing better to do.
- Your feelings, efforts to impress them, even presence is disregarded. You always feel left out and abandoned.
- This relationship has become more of a burden than an awaited getaway. It takes more effort to get it close to normal or how it used to be, and you feel like you're the only one doing the hard work.
- Expressing simple words of love and admiration have become unutterable!
- You're thinking about ending it all the time.
- You dream about being with someone else, in a more secured relationship.
- You'd rather be alone than be around him/her.
- You're always crying, sad and burdened by your partners actions.
- You've grown to expect only the worst from your partner.
- You've become worlds apart, in terms of needs, wants, aspirations, boundaries and perspectives.
- The trust is killed! You said some words, he did some things that it's now impossible to respect and appreciate one another ever again.
- Even when he/she slips, you forgive and forgive and still your generosity is unappreciated.
- Your partner is abusing you physically, emotionally and verbally.
- You are abusing your partner physically, emotionally and verbally.
- Your partner doesn't trust you, he/she thinks of you as a liar, capable of cheating and ready to walk away any minute now.
- You don't trust your partner, never have and never will. It could be something he's done before or this is your general concept. Either ways the relationship is destroyed.
- Every simple talk or a minor argument turns into a ridiculous unreasonable fight. Your communication channels are blocked.
- You fear your partner rather than respect their presence in your life which consequently pushes you to lie and go behind their back.
- You're jealous of your partner's success in work, social life and the general attention which some people call luck that he manages to always get.
- Your partner is jealous of you and your success in everything that he/she couldn't achieve.
- Your partner doesn't satisfy your basic human needs for attention, love and companionship.
- Your partner's selfishness and exceeding love for oneself has destroyed your self-esteem.
-The passion is gone! You've worked hard to rekindle it. Your partner has worked hard to revive it, but it's just done.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

How to brush off the ex effect?! (He Said She Said July'09)

The ordeal of wanting it all...

After a lousy breakup or an unexpected change of heart, the ex becomes nothing more of a memory; a well preserved memory. The preciousness of which have absolutely everything to do with where we are now. Single, committed, happily committed, can't wait till it's over committed or overshadowed by the past. However, everyone reacts differently to the sound of their ex's name and they have every right to feel that way based on how and why things ended. Some get that instant adrenaline rush of a 15 year old talking to his long time crush for the very first time; others have smoke coming out of their ears and flames rushing through their lips. But the luckiest of all are those who quietly remember the good and the bad with a gracious yet mysterious smile strong enough to keep their mouths and their hearts right where they should be. Yet, of course, those are the lucky sane ones who master the art of self-control. As for the other two, we are in serious need of pinning and a clear head to think straight with. But before struggling to get that to happen, here are the three common situations during which an ex can leave a permanent, how can I put this politely?!... A finger print!

1. Shaky grounds
My mum always says if it wasn't for the little holes, we wouldn't have appreciated smooth floors. But I always wondered how on earth would I even envision a smooth floor when I'm stuck in a filthy, smelly, dark hole?! How would I stand strong when my relationship is sinking and I have to graciously salute an old flame?! Wouldn't I secretly wish to be with the fun, can't seem to remember why I left him right now, guy rather than Mr. Reality?! Morals say no, one should never wish that, one should never think of that, instead one has to suck it up and go work on their shaky relationship. How?
a. Like a moth to a flame, one should seek protection in their partners' presence, bathe in their goodness and oversee their repelling side.
b. On the other hand, when running into the ex always try to make it as brief and as gracious as possible.
c. Most theories imply that part of the butterfly effect has to do with your level of self-satisfaction back then and where you are now. So, if you're longing for the past, you might be the reason why. Maybe you were more fit back then, less tempered, more energetic or fun.
d. And as I always suggest, the most effective way to get rid of any unwanted feeling is to remember why you left in the first place, remember all the bad times till you get that disgust in your gut!

2. Single & dying to mingle
The awesomeness of single-hood ends the moment you're reminded of a relationship you were once happy in. So, to lay it out gently, if you're single and ran into your ex, the feelings are resurfacing, you feel that you never really got over him. Your soul is battling whether or not you should give this another go; especially that he's also as free as a bird. Then you should consider going back only if:
a. The reasons why you called it quits looks numbingly stupid , trivial and petty right now.
b. After having your share of bad dates, you believe that his good qualities outweigh his bad one.
c. You've grown up, became more responsible and reasonable, I might add, and that you can handle the downsides of being with him. Period

3. The Obnoxious tell off
Karma usually finds its funny ways to pay back any wisecracker without even noticing. So picture this, you're sipping your coffee peacefully one day when you notice your abhorrent ex coming your direction. Now don't get me wrong, he's not just any ex, he's the one who grabbed your heart and smeared your favorite wallpaper with it, he's the one who left you lifeless for so long that you almost gave up breathing, he's the one who robbed your ability to love and trust. And all you can think of at this very moment is how to react?! Should you yell? Scream? Bite his head off? Settle this once and for all jungle style? Walk away? Or simply hi back?!
a. If it's been 5 -10 years, let it go, take the highroad for karma has definitely done its part.
b. 2 -4 years, you have the right to give him the cold treatment. But don't go too far. We don't want him thinking you're still hung up on him.c. month -1 year. The world is your dance floor. Do it your way. But I would recommend either a silent treatment or a walk away. After all, the wound is still exposed, fresh and thirsty for treatment!