How to fight off temptations?! (He Said She Said April '09)

The ordeal of dangled baits!

Time after time people have failed to define what’s so special about new things?! Is it the mystery, the fresh start, the anticipation or does it all come down to the matter of glittery boxes?! I for one have always believed that part of the enticement lays in the renewed chance for firsts and of course the sparkling swathe protecting it from predators eyes. Much like the affairs business, don’t you think? All complicated behind the scenes reasons aside, affairs have more to do with the carefully selected swathe! If you dare to disagree, allow me to remind you of my one dimensional theory which clearly states that when dealing with people while not living together, one tend to see only the charming, smiling, fun side. Thus, it’s only natural to fall for someone who you think never frown, doesn’t get angry as much and on top of all appreciate every little thing you do.

So to get this article started, you have to know that there are no guiding steps which you can follow and VOILA! The enticement spell is broken; in fact I find the tips spread around are much too theoretical to help.
That’s why ladies and gentlemen I give you the three facts everyone should know to avoid falling for the dangled baits trick, all of which have been extracted from humans before. Of course!
1. The cheating bone!
Although it’s a widely used, remarkably accurate figure of speech, well, it’s no longer just that! This has become an accredited fact that some people are born with a tendency to cheat or as the scientists committee politely puts it, are destined to have poor relationships. But of course it’s not literally a bone, it’s a gene actually titled the monogamy gene, allele 334. The more copies a person has of this monogamy gene, the more he’s up to cheat! I admit that it won’t be easy having a somehow normal relationship with such partner, for you constantly have to pick on the waves signaling that your relationship in going steady and thus you have to keep him/her interested and just too occupied to search for more.
2. Not getting it at home
No, I’m not talking about sex here because believe it or not sex, as in the mechanical action of lust, is not the trigger here. Women who believe that men go for prettier women or those who can satisfy their much flaming desires are not entirely right! By mentioning not getting it at home, I’m referring to the “I can’t win” complaint, meaning that he feels that whatever he’s trying to do to please you is not enough, that he’s not a man in your eyes and even that you’re not appreciating the little achievements he makes. Accordingly, he falls for the next woman who provides for the missing “you’re all man” factor. The same goes for women, who no longer get compliments, attention, care and a simple thank you once in a while. Thus end up falling for the same trap, the man with the sweet words…
3. The tell-tale signs
I came across those signs and figured that they’ll be an excellent addition to our “know it all selection”. Those are the tell-tale signs that your partner is cheating or is about to cheat, so beware!
a. Spends more time away from home: that’s the classic sign, but make sure first it’s not work or some necessary errands before you drive your partner out of this relationship yourself!
b. Having less intimacy: It’s like my mother always say, marriage is like a circle connected by many factors, once one slips out the circle can no longer be complete and the marriage is cracked!
c. Avoiding contact: One might interpret it as pure guilt; others may say it’s out of avoidance. I say it’s an alarming sign that your partner is slipping out of your life, learn what’s bothering him/her and quickly pull them in before someone else catch them in a weak moment and forever have them.
d. Nonstop criticizing: It really can’t get more obvious than this! Your partner is clearly not happy about something or things and is being verbal about them. Listen, pay extra attention, don’t accuse them of being difficult and stop turning a deaf ear.
Those signs as well as what I hope was important insights weren’t just to watch out for your partner or protect them from falling for the bait. Those were dedicated to you as well, if you have a cheating GENE in your body or not getting what you want from your relationship, first be honest with yourself about them, talk it through with your partner and create your own bait that you’d fall far each time…

Mental Affairs

As human beings we like to believe that as long as our sins are unseen, then as far as we’re concerned, they’ve never happened! May be it is just easier that way, in the self-healing process. I mean it’ll be easier to forgive oneself as long as it’s only you who is pushing the blame button rather than the added exterior selves sharing in the guilt process. Accordingly, the defining moment where a person chooses to feel remorseful depends on his own evaluation of a situation worthy of being called a sin, which again could be very troubling or very alleviating.

It all starts when the going gets an itsy bit rough. Like in every relationship, it could be a fight, a misunderstanding or utter boredom that gets your mind working for other possibilities. In that very moment, which by the way everyone refuse to label as cheating, one finds his peace. But sadly that peace comes with someone else! We’ve all been there; the only difference is that some of us might dismiss the thought immediately while others cave in for the temporary joy.
The reason why all of us hate to refer to those moments as cheating is because there’s no physical action to prove it. It’s all just a bunch of thoughts that- I want to be optimistic and say most of us- don’t want to do anything about. It’s like a relieving mechanism, to think about someone you used to know, like an old love that wasn’t meant to complete. So you give it that honor only in your head. Unfortunately not every thought goes to people you used to know, like or even love. Sometimes it’s the closeness that creates the problem!

Let me walk you through it with a story about a woman who married the love of her life. But as time went by unconditionally of course, inviting the unwanted routine, she- unaware of it- got attached to chatting with a co-worker. And like every such story, it all happened every time she had a fight with her husband or was simply complaining about his diminishing interest in her. Now, I don’t know if the other man’s intentions where pure or not, but he started talking about how special she is and you know the drill. But she being a good woman as she is, it finally hit her that she was sharing her inner most thoughts and concerns with someone else other than her man, so she had to go cold turkey and get rid of that addiction. Despite the fact that she switched departments and got over him entirely, she still refuses to call what happened back then “cheating”. Her explanation is that she was going through some horrible time; he was there to comfort and nothing more.

Apart from me believing that no good could come from a man and a woman spending too much time together even as friends, this was cheating. Whether it happened while awake or daydreaming, it still counts as betrayal. For if ever I learnt that my partner had someone else in mind, even if for a split of a second, I would be devastated and I’m thinking so would he. So let’s just be thankful that our minds are the only places where no one, no matter how good they are, can go into without knocking!

However, all jokes aside, it is a serious matter that we all do at some point during the day where we turn into what ifs. How different my life would be if I married x instead of y? Or in severe cases what if I was never married?!

Thus it would be much more appropriate to invest the time spent wondering in the relationship itself. But first you got to move as far away as possible from the source of distraction whether physically or mentally. In other word, distract yourself from the distraction! Second you must, absolutely must, spend some time reflecting on the reason that pushed you this far. Then, comes the final step, where you get to talk with your partner to implement the necessary changes.
Although the solution seems so simple, tucked into these small lines, talking about it is easier said than done. For temptations lay everywhere and with the aid of the factor that is tough relationships, you do the math. Only this is the type of thing you have to consistently fight and push away. It’s hard having to go through those steps every time you sense a mental affair is about to hit. But if this is the kind of effort you have to exert to keep a relationship you want, then it’s worth the trouble. Just keep one thing in mind, the more you love your partner, the easier it’s to let go of any crawling disruptions.