The 6 traits marking Egyptian Mothers (Identity March '09)

Whilst welcoming motherhood with open arms, each mom prepares the to-do and not-to-do list as a helpless attempt to escape the horrendous mistakes their very own Egyptian mothers had made. They try too hard to break away from the accustomed parenting techniques that all else fails but the dreadful ones they once loathed. That is when the mothers start to wonder whether the problem lies in their kids, their inability to manage their discipline or is it just pure Karma?!
But the truth of the matter is, none of our mothers had the privilege of receiving parenting courses before delivering us to life and so the tragedy continues with each dabbling her way to proper upbringing while unconsciously maintaining the 6 traits marking Egyptian mothers…

Gossip-based parenting!Generally speaking, people find themselves at loss for words all the time, there’s nothing shameful or boorish about that. Just like those jiffies when the very same people get bored of hearing scandalous stories that they cleverly cover the boiling veins with an excuse to answer the door as to not miss the chance for a recite! However, Egyptian mothers drastically differ from the bespoken human nature because of two reasons:
1. The Socio-code which states that even though work has been once again restored as the final independence attempt on the middle-eastern women’s side, mothers are still, to this day, ripped off blindly from this right under the name of motherhood. Once blessed with a child, every working mother receives the look denoting consuming blames for this heartless selfish creature who chose career above her child! And so, after only a few brainwashing sessions, the mother voluntarily quits her life- sought career and settle for the higher status of a stay at home mommy. I’m not saying that all women quit their jobs voluntarily, nor that stay at home moms are less of achievers. It is the socio-code that specifies stay at home moms as the only accepted Egyptian mothers!
2. The Socio-code after mass forcing the now accepted Egyptian mothers to fill their plentiful spare times with requesting the chitchats they cheated and an extra bonus of believing whatever they’re told.
Accordingly, one may come to a credible finale on why almost all Egyptian mothers manage to see nothing but the dark side of their children. It only takes two stories of a daughter slipping into a secret illegitimate relationship and a son replacing his future with drugs to get the inspection process started! Suspecting every move, sniffing around for clues and re-evaluating the company along their children to manage the fears and put all doubts to rest. Of course by that time, the mother and child relationship would have gone irreversibly south and one would wonder why kids of today don't talk to their parents anymore!

When over protection prevails!Following up on the Socio-Code and the fact that Egyptian females are born to sacrifice their all for their families' welfare, overprotection comes as the next expected step. It's only inevitable, since moms all over the world are being judged based on their care-giving abilities. Egyptian mothers, on the other hand, surpass the maximum capabilities to jump straight into the-breathing-down-the-neck zone as to rest their consciousness assure from the worry of not watching over their kids enough. And because children come as the apple of their mothers' eyes, they are the ones who truly suffer from the excessive love, undue attention and endless disciplinary talks. Since as a society, we believe that the more attention you squander the more conservative your offspring will be! Hence, as far as I've witnessed, overprotected children come in three editions;
a. Too spoiled to handle individuality
b. Too anxious to explore the restricted pleasures
Or c. too clogged with rules to allow indiscretion
And so, I hereby come to the conclusions that overprotection yields no psychologically healthy individuals

All deserves punishment but my child!One might falsely assume that the overprotection issue ends with a child growing up. Complete nonsense! Pull up a chair and pop up the corn for misery is about to start, specifically around the same time as developing identities! Simply because this is the dangerous age, as named by some mothers, where scrutiny is a must and privacy is prohibited. Consequently, a child is never allowed to have a life on his/her own, there's no such thing as private phone calls, no such thing as diaries and locking doors is just out of question! So, as a result of the 24/7 watch, any mother would be reluctant to believe that her carefully brought up child could screw things up! That's why a defense campaign never fails to start when her perfect angel is met with accusations. A mother would typically use two weakening weapons on such occasions; her tears and her screams! How many mothers have we seen on TV crying their eyes out and calling for heaven's justice for their children who most of the times end up convicted? Their sound attempts and tireless voices have always confused me, even when all hands point to no one but their children, they're still standing still. Only one of the disappointed mothers brought this whole matter to my attention when she pleaded for another trial reasoning the fact that she's utterly sure of her child's manners, that the holiest of holy people might do wrong but her son won't, that others might deserve punishment but her son don't for she spent her sweat and blood for his wellbeing and there're not enough words to convince her otherwise!

Food is For how much I love you!It's the Egyptian trademark, food conveys love! That's right, if an Egyptian woman want to own her Egyptian husband she should cook for him, if an Egyptian wife want to impress her in-laws, she should surprise them with a complicated self-made meal and if an Egyptian family wishes to welcome a guest, they do so by stuffing him/her with food. Accordingly, it comes as no surprise when a mother chooses to express her endless, unconditional love for her own child with food?!
And along comes childhood obesity, lack of self-control, harsh requirements for the woman he'll one day hurt by marriage, eternal fattening food for the husband and so food becomes the only way of communication. Because despite of what I can call a rising time for awareness, when a child is not seen as a ball rolling on the floor, a mother is not considered dedicated enough, careless or even poor! It doesn't matter if that mother dreams of raising her kids healthily and is determined to save them the long tiring road of weight loss by controlling their cravings. No! She has to feed him/her till they vomit, after all that's the only acceptable way of showing ones love, talking gives a headache, showering with gifts turn the child spoiled, planning for his/her future is a lack of faith but food gives healthy bloody cheeks!
- The guilt-driving parenting technique
Almost every mother raised her kids by means of fear, fear from God, fear from the parents, fear from the people, fear from the bogyman and fear from rotten food. That way, the error expectancy can crushed down to almost zero, of course that's just what they think, and if the child ever decides to go wild on them they can bring some sense in him/her by the means of the guilt-driving technique!
Certainly, the technique varies between Egyptian mothers; however, there are certain approaches that lie in common. The likes of the look that's enough to melt the skin off my face, the how could you after all what I've done for you, too dramatic for forgetting to set off the silent application and of course the speech! The speech is what you can call a full house, first it starts with an alluring drag to a private quite room, afterwards as the child innocently sits down the look come off to pound his/her heart and then a storm of words comes as a paved road for the punishment that lies ahead. This is the traditional, direct and most used guilt technique. The indirect one is actually pretty smart where the mother would drop in uninvited criticizing comments regarding anything and everything. Ranging from the never appealing wardrobe selection to parenting skills, all under the umbrella of because I fear for you!

The anti-talking factorWhoever planted the belief that parenting only involves preaching should be shot! As, to this day, the talking factor in most families ceases to exist. Looking at this parental silence from the parents' zone, you'll find that all the talking circulates around orders, preaching, studying, curfews, allowance and of course criticizing. And from the kids' zone, you'll also notice that all that is considered worthy of discussing with parents are curfews, allowance and groundings. Therefore, communication only happens when financial or social needs have to be met, but what about the psychological humanitarian side?! Doesn't happen as both parties are trying to avoid awkward conversations, awkward silence and awkward looks! May be it's the kids' fault for not opening up to their parents about their worries, however, I choose to burden this huge problem over the parents' shoulders, especially the moms for not approaching their children, scarring them away with punishments and judgments! Can you believe it? A mother judging her own child for developing natural curiosity that she once developed! It happens, happened and will continue happening as long as parenting is limited to financial terms.
Not only that, but it spreads to the gender of the child, if he's a boy then the world dances with joy to the baby boy who's growing up to be a man! Yet, if she's a girl, fear and silence stretch to the earth's poles over the girl who'll grow to be… a not so good girl!

Why would a loving mother turn into an impious mother in-law? How to deal with a harsh mother in-law?!

If what people say about motherhood being capable of curing the tautly tendons of a cruel heart, then something must have gone wrong! As every in-law started out as a mother who according to that doubtful saying supposedly holds a kind heart! Puzzler! Because as far as I know, seen, witnessed or whatever, mother in- laws are mean! Of course there's the occasional lucky bride who lands a sporadic peaceful second mom, however, not every girl out there is as fluky. In fact almost everyone I bump into is surrounded by craws! So, how, when and why did that transition take place? I was literally on a mission to find out…

Since I'm a huge potential believer, digging into a woman's personality, past and belief system to scrutinize her motherly side should reveal plenty regarding her tendency to turn into an impious mother in-law. That being said, I managed to categorize potentially cruel mothers in-law into 4 groups:

1. The "because they told me so" potential group:Those mothers are much affected by the tradition and what should and should not be. They tend to blindly follow the script, a mother in-law should be wicked, sly, hard to please and manipulative and so they shall be!

2. The "can't trick me twice" potential group:While growing up, it's only natural for women who witnessed their kind-hearted mothers standing helplessly as they were roughened up by their spouses to subconsciously turn into the fiercer version of the in-laws who primarily protect their kids and secondly themselves so as not to be taken for granted!

3. The "I'm bossy and I like it" potential group:When bossiness shines brighter than the sun in a mother's eyes, goodness scurry to the nearest exit! For she's a natural impious mother in-law waiting for someone other than her family and friends to show who the real boss is!

4. The "me, myself and I" potential group:As it is the case with most selfish people, ego issues overflow when someone dares to steal the light, the people or even their place in their children's hearts. Consequently, I won't be magnifying their reaction when I say that they'll be competing over their children's time, love and affection, after all they are their properties!

Giving in to the fact that not every mother has the natural hidden potential to go crazy, yet manage to surprise the world with their unforeseen dark side. I had to look somewhere else for that drive and fortunately enough with less effort; the factors contributing to their transition hit me in the face!
So, without further ado, I present to you the 3 compelling factors which can instantly turn a gentle mother to a daunting in-law:

1. Security issues:
Security for Egyptian women comes from exactly 3 different sources; men, jobs aka money and children. Since in our culture women struggle to create a career and filthy rich women are usually intimidated or used by men, it's only fair to say that jobs aren't guaranteed to provide a lifetime of security. And since men come as the number one stressor in any woman's life, they counteract their actual role as security providers to constant nags, which kind of leaves women with only one last life-connecting-thread, their children! But when their children are about to be abducted by wild aliens who threaten the mother with an endless loneliness, it's only logical that clinginess and overprotection comes as the only defense mechanism left to achieve the sought after security.

2. Payback time:Word is out that part of the motherly job is to protect the kids, regardless of the fact that I personally wouldn't know about the level of dedication when compared to nationality or various cultures, but I know this, instinct-wise mothers everywhere are ready to suck the life out of any predator aiming their children. Accordingly, witnessing a daughter or a son being mistreated by a spouse is fairly sufficient to turn any soft mother into a man-eating monster enclosed in the form of an in-law screaming "REVENGE!"

3. Their rants:
People talk, there's nothing new about that! Yet, as talkative as women can be gossips and stories pass around faster than fire especially when it contains bits and pieces concerning familial quarrels! Hearing this, any mother, fearing for herself and her kids would chose to put on the scary mask and act like the toughest mother in-law that ever lived! Even though the spouse might have done nothing wrong nor harmed her child in any way, but it's as they say safety first and experiences never lie!

Now that we have covered some pretty serious grounds on mothers' potentials in turning into a typical mother in-law and the factors that might have lead to this wonderful abruption, let's play a probability game to detect the category to which your possible/current mother in-law belongs to…
Considering only 2 personal trademarks, kind and harsh, we get 4 possibilities for any mother in-law, she's either:

1. Kind on the inside but harsh on the outsideThis is nothing but a wily cover-up to hide her scare from your unseen dark side, send you an indirect message that she's capable of taking you down anytime you decide to attack or that she's harmlessly bossy and selfish as mentioned earlier. How to detect her deliberately hidden kindness is easy, as between the yells and the angry looks, her true self pops out once in a while in the form of kind gestures, generous offerings or even a sincere thank you. And don't worry because she won't be harsh to you for long, as if she's truly kind, then she'll drop the act when she trusts you to be the nice person she hoped for her children and grandsons.

2. Kind on the outside but harsh on the insideShe is by far the worst of all types of mothers' in-law, as she simply allures you in with her welcoming arms, charitable gestures and the delusion of her caring about you more than her own child. I'm telling you now wake up and smell the coffee; no one is capable of loving anyone more than their own offspring! She might say it, emphasis it and even persist on it but she'll drag you in to trust her, spill out your guts about what's bothering you in your relationship and memorize you inside out. I can't say that she's that evil to use the information you once shared in confidence against you, but let's just say she'll keep it, if not share it with your future spouse to know how to deal with you and put you right where you belong!

3. Harsh inside out
As much as there's no hope going around this awful mother in-law at least there is no baffling involved, she's just harsh. Though good-intentioned spouses would try to look for the bright side but alas! As cruel as her truth is, she'll spare no effort to tick you off and drive you out of your temper. Probably to gain the sympathy of her children and reclaim her property or out of tradition, a mother in-law should never be nice, kind nor negotiable!

4. Kind inside out
If other people's experiences are of any indication, it's that being around your mother in-law should never be fun, but what if it actually is?! Well, there are a number of possibilities here; may be she's playing you till the worst happens, may be you're delusional for skipping on her harsh comments or than she's actually kind. Just like the harsh inside out mother in-law, time is your only detector. When you see no harm, feel no threat from her side while keeping her child's best interest at heart, then this is a real blessing because she'll be working to make you both happy and together. Sure she'll have her flaws like caring too much or being too much involved but at least she's not thriving to get you out of the picture!