How to brush off the ex effect?! (He Said She Said July'09)

The ordeal of wanting it all...

After a lousy breakup or an unexpected change of heart, the ex becomes nothing more of a memory; a well preserved memory. The preciousness of which have absolutely everything to do with where we are now. Single, committed, happily committed, can't wait till it's over committed or overshadowed by the past. However, everyone reacts differently to the sound of their ex's name and they have every right to feel that way based on how and why things ended. Some get that instant adrenaline rush of a 15 year old talking to his long time crush for the very first time; others have smoke coming out of their ears and flames rushing through their lips. But the luckiest of all are those who quietly remember the good and the bad with a gracious yet mysterious smile strong enough to keep their mouths and their hearts right where they should be. Yet, of course, those are the lucky sane ones who master the art of self-control. As for the other two, we are in serious need of pinning and a clear head to think straight with. But before struggling to get that to happen, here are the three common situations during which an ex can leave a permanent, how can I put this politely?!... A finger print!

1. Shaky grounds
My mum always says if it wasn't for the little holes, we wouldn't have appreciated smooth floors. But I always wondered how on earth would I even envision a smooth floor when I'm stuck in a filthy, smelly, dark hole?! How would I stand strong when my relationship is sinking and I have to graciously salute an old flame?! Wouldn't I secretly wish to be with the fun, can't seem to remember why I left him right now, guy rather than Mr. Reality?! Morals say no, one should never wish that, one should never think of that, instead one has to suck it up and go work on their shaky relationship. How?
a. Like a moth to a flame, one should seek protection in their partners' presence, bathe in their goodness and oversee their repelling side.
b. On the other hand, when running into the ex always try to make it as brief and as gracious as possible.
c. Most theories imply that part of the butterfly effect has to do with your level of self-satisfaction back then and where you are now. So, if you're longing for the past, you might be the reason why. Maybe you were more fit back then, less tempered, more energetic or fun.
d. And as I always suggest, the most effective way to get rid of any unwanted feeling is to remember why you left in the first place, remember all the bad times till you get that disgust in your gut!

2. Single & dying to mingle
The awesomeness of single-hood ends the moment you're reminded of a relationship you were once happy in. So, to lay it out gently, if you're single and ran into your ex, the feelings are resurfacing, you feel that you never really got over him. Your soul is battling whether or not you should give this another go; especially that he's also as free as a bird. Then you should consider going back only if:
a. The reasons why you called it quits looks numbingly stupid , trivial and petty right now.
b. After having your share of bad dates, you believe that his good qualities outweigh his bad one.
c. You've grown up, became more responsible and reasonable, I might add, and that you can handle the downsides of being with him. Period

3. The Obnoxious tell off
Karma usually finds its funny ways to pay back any wisecracker without even noticing. So picture this, you're sipping your coffee peacefully one day when you notice your abhorrent ex coming your direction. Now don't get me wrong, he's not just any ex, he's the one who grabbed your heart and smeared your favorite wallpaper with it, he's the one who left you lifeless for so long that you almost gave up breathing, he's the one who robbed your ability to love and trust. And all you can think of at this very moment is how to react?! Should you yell? Scream? Bite his head off? Settle this once and for all jungle style? Walk away? Or simply hi back?!
a. If it's been 5 -10 years, let it go, take the highroad for karma has definitely done its part.
b. 2 -4 years, you have the right to give him the cold treatment. But don't go too far. We don't want him thinking you're still hung up on him.c. month -1 year. The world is your dance floor. Do it your way. But I would recommend either a silent treatment or a walk away. After all, the wound is still exposed, fresh and thirsty for treatment!

Mental Affairs

As human beings we like to believe that as long as our sins are unseen, then as far as we’re concerned, they’ve never happened! May be it is just easier that way, in the self-healing process. I mean it’ll be easier to forgive oneself as long as it’s only you who is pushing the blame button rather than the added exterior selves sharing in the guilt process. Accordingly, the defining moment where a person chooses to feel remorseful depends on his own evaluation of a situation worthy of being called a sin, which again could be very troubling or very alleviating.

It all starts when the going gets an itsy bit rough. Like in every relationship, it could be a fight, a misunderstanding or utter boredom that gets your mind working for other possibilities. In that very moment, which by the way everyone refuse to label as cheating, one finds his peace. But sadly that peace comes with someone else! We’ve all been there; the only difference is that some of us might dismiss the thought immediately while others cave in for the temporary joy.
The reason why all of us hate to refer to those moments as cheating is because there’s no physical action to prove it. It’s all just a bunch of thoughts that- I want to be optimistic and say most of us- don’t want to do anything about. It’s like a relieving mechanism, to think about someone you used to know, like an old love that wasn’t meant to complete. So you give it that honor only in your head. Unfortunately not every thought goes to people you used to know, like or even love. Sometimes it’s the closeness that creates the problem!

Let me walk you through it with a story about a woman who married the love of her life. But as time went by unconditionally of course, inviting the unwanted routine, she- unaware of it- got attached to chatting with a co-worker. And like every such story, it all happened every time she had a fight with her husband or was simply complaining about his diminishing interest in her. Now, I don’t know if the other man’s intentions where pure or not, but he started talking about how special she is and you know the drill. But she being a good woman as she is, it finally hit her that she was sharing her inner most thoughts and concerns with someone else other than her man, so she had to go cold turkey and get rid of that addiction. Despite the fact that she switched departments and got over him entirely, she still refuses to call what happened back then “cheating”. Her explanation is that she was going through some horrible time; he was there to comfort and nothing more.

Apart from me believing that no good could come from a man and a woman spending too much time together even as friends, this was cheating. Whether it happened while awake or daydreaming, it still counts as betrayal. For if ever I learnt that my partner had someone else in mind, even if for a split of a second, I would be devastated and I’m thinking so would he. So let’s just be thankful that our minds are the only places where no one, no matter how good they are, can go into without knocking!

However, all jokes aside, it is a serious matter that we all do at some point during the day where we turn into what ifs. How different my life would be if I married x instead of y? Or in severe cases what if I was never married?!

Thus it would be much more appropriate to invest the time spent wondering in the relationship itself. But first you got to move as far away as possible from the source of distraction whether physically or mentally. In other word, distract yourself from the distraction! Second you must, absolutely must, spend some time reflecting on the reason that pushed you this far. Then, comes the final step, where you get to talk with your partner to implement the necessary changes.
Although the solution seems so simple, tucked into these small lines, talking about it is easier said than done. For temptations lay everywhere and with the aid of the factor that is tough relationships, you do the math. Only this is the type of thing you have to consistently fight and push away. It’s hard having to go through those steps every time you sense a mental affair is about to hit. But if this is the kind of effort you have to exert to keep a relationship you want, then it’s worth the trouble. Just keep one thing in mind, the more you love your partner, the easier it’s to let go of any crawling disruptions.