Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Stages of love & relationship 2, Why problems happen in your relationship? (Euphoria Dec'09)

Beginnings are said to be invigorating, filled with undefeated wills, invincible determinations and endless unexplainable joys. Then doubts arise, questioning those wills and determinations, and shattering joys into million pieces until they lose configuration. But with a little more faith and assurance, we go back to invigorations and love finds its proper way back.
So, currently you're going on exclusively steady, with no more supplementary dates because you don't need to see other options. Now you're sure you've met the one. Yet, as smooth as you wished things would continue to go, problems blossomed out of nowhere. You are confused. Did I choose wrong? Did my partner change? Have I changed? Why are we suddenly having all those problems?!
You know how people say time is capable of solving the mother of mysteries. And how mysteries signify all that is dark, can't be clearly spotted and hard to interpret?
Time is where you as a couple stand, right in the middle of commitment. And the mysteries that are being disclosed are both the human nature of you and your partner.
What happens is as you move deeply further into the relationship, both of you start to open up, talk and act completely free. There are no restrictions, no topic off the table, you no longer only share the good sides rather you share everything. Thus, problems arise as you discover each other's essences, morals and viewpoints. So, the fact that two different people are merging together alone is enough for anyone to have momentary clashes.
Other things that can cause problems between the two of you have much to do with the way you treat and get treated by your partner. Take a look…
1. Trying to change each other
The biggest mistake anyone can do is to not accept their partners the way they are. Because change cannot be enforced on people, they've to have that fire for change in them, or else it'll create constant dissatisfaction and accordingly disappointment arrives on your side as well as a firm sense of unworthiness your partner will easily detect from you. If, after you've discovered each other, you can't cope with his/her flaws, just let them be. Don't play the preacher's role and torment each other any longer.
2. Trying to control each other
While brainstorming for this point, I was astonished by how undecided I was when trying to answer who is more of a control freak, men or women? And after going through some of the problems couples sent me, I realized that it's a tie!
Women, whilst being the nurturing mothers they are, overlook the fact that men aren't their children. They can't keep on guiding them, correcting their every breath and monitoring their behavior. Men, on the other side, tend to treat women like their own private property which they've to protect and keep an eye on at all times. Both leading to the same outcome, no personal space, no room for error, no chance to be free again, thus the relationship is no use.
3. Lack of apologizing
With the male ego standing in the way, I can't even begin to tell you how many women suffer from men who can't find it in them to admit they're just wrong. The symptoms for such problem may appear with the woman feeling underappreciated, unworthy, a second-degree being and weak to the core that she has to show apologetic gestures even when it's no fault of her own. Try to picture how destructive and vulnerable a woman may feel when her own man is too arrogant, stubborn and full of himself that he can't show his remorse for anything and you'll see how this alone is enough for a relationship to end.
4. Lack of empathy
To tell you the truth, empathy takes hard concentration to happen as it's against our raw nature. Empathy, in simple terms, is to put yourself in your partner's shoes most of the time. To try to feel his pain, wellness, boredom, interest, confusion, panic, every single feeling he/she expresses on you but from their perspective and point of view. Empathy is the complete opposite of selfishness, to be able to lift the focus off yourself for a while and feel for your soul mate. To try to understand where he/she is coming from will make a hell of a difference in your relationship. Because you'll be dealing with someone who can listen, appreciate, empathize and comfort you.
5. Stubbornness
Trying to have a relationship with someone who always puts your word, action and reaction against his/hers is without a doubt harshly difficult. Trying to communicate with someone spoiled, used to having his/her needs met first thing is impossible. Trying to reach a middle ground with someone who has no other grounds but the one standing on is unreachable. And what's truly defining inflexibility is being unable to tell the difference when negotiating with a man and when talking things through with a woman. At that point the man will run away once he feels he can't win and added to that emasculated. While a woman will try to make it work once, twice and even thrice but when the pushed over puppet feeling sinks in, chances are she'll too walk away.
6. Blames
If you'd ask anyone, what's the one thing annoying about your parents? They'll automatically reply, the constant blaming. No one and I mean not even toddlers like dealing with the whys and the how could you. It's like being with the anti-sinner. We all make mistakes, some of them big that requires ear pulling and some of them are just not worth it. When he calls an hour late, big deal; when she arrives half an hour late, it's what girls do. Stop it with the constant blaming so you don't lose both your credibility and your partner.
7. Expectations
You can easily tell where relationships end by pointing out when expectations begin. Yet, the truth remains that we all have expectations on how to be loved, gestured, surprised and even comforted. But there's also such a thing as loving what you get from your partner that is self-fulfilling and satisfying. Parents- children relationships are ruined forever because of expectations. People walk through life thinking they're not good enough because of expectations. Lovers believe they don't give enough because of expectations. I can't tell you to stop expecting, but I can tell you to ask instead of assume, to see your partner through your eyes and not your heart and to love and appreciate what he/she has to offer and be.
8. Pretending
Why do people pretend to be something they're not?
a. Because they aspire to be someone else but can't afford to do that right now.
b. Because they want to be a part of a world they're fascinated by but isn't for them and they don't realize that yet
c. Because they want to escape a reality they can't change
Why do people pretend to feel something they don't?
a. Because they don't want to go through the hassles of working out their original feeling. (It's easier this way)
b. Because they're opportunists
c. Because they need extra attention.
Either ways, those people will never be trustworthy or reliable partners.
9. Money Talks
I swear I've never seen a couple with messy finances happy. I've never seen a husband happy with a money-nagging wife. And I've never seen a wife happy with a husband who is cheap. That's why I always say keep money miles away from pleasure or if you have to, keep it organized and lucid. There's nothing wrong with signing papers, committing to paying a certain amount of money even when it's less that you can give and nothing is definitely wrong with being honest about your current financial status. Trust me, it'll save you hours of fighting and preserve your image as a providing man and a humble wife.
10. Shadiness
According to John Gray, men when angry, confused or panicking, tend to hide in their caves. Leaving the world behind, especially a confused partner who, according to where they stand in the relationship, might assume he's not that into her, he's no longer interested, he fell out of love with her or the most common assumption he's cheating. Acting shady more than once will definitely place your relationship in jeopardy. Starting with a partner who is tired from trying to please you or get your attention back to the foremost mentioned scenarios. Be as opened as you can be, tell her you need space and hopefully she'll understand. Tell her that you need to figure things out regarding something other than your relationship and she'll be relieved and let you be. Just start communicating instead of evaporating…

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Sadness is not the opposite of Happiness!

Terrified of my man's reckless driving, I searched my Louis Vuitton bag for a stronger distraction. My fingers crippled through tens of lip glosses, two large perfume bottles, an i-pod I desperately need to get fixed and lying under my much heavy make-up bag was a book I took along in an attempt to save it from the dusty shelves of my petite library. The Zahir by Paulo Coelho. I remember rushing into Diwan's Zamalek looking for an inspiration to snitch me out of my writer's rut, when I was puzzled by the title and the fact that I related to it the moment I read;
"I'm not running away from important things, give me an example of something important."
and she replied "Writing a book."
And I remember making a firm promise to myself to finish reading this book in two weeks. A year and a half later, I find the bookmark marking page 21 where the above mentioned conversation was stated. So, I decide to make a new patch, to finish reading the Zahir before 31.12.09
As I go by reading page after page, struggling to keep my eyes strictly focused on words and off the road, I managed to get hooked and instead of bickering with my man, the one who's trying to get us killed, I found the concept of happiness quite argument-worthy.
When Esther approached her husband to announce her leaving to be a war correspondent, the argument of are you happy? popped to bring a seperate sever traffice to my mind.

I never questioned happiness, never actually tried to set a convincing definition for the state of happiness. Because to me happiness is momentary and I can't measure things up to something fleeing, let alone my life.
A child can be made happy with a brand new toy he's forevermore craved, but shortly lose interest and the happiness is gone.
Parents can be made happy with their child's impressive performance at school yet a second later worry about getting him into college.
A mother finds joy in watching her son play and move around but is terrified of his over-activity hurting him.
A wife making love to her husband, thinking it will take his mind off work burdens, to discover she only gave him countable minutes of pleasure.
A student can be made happy with college grades but still terrified of what future may hold.
More and more people experience happiness and try to sincerely hold on to it but somehow it manages to escape and be followed by worry, panic, boredom and fear. And they know it, that's why happiness is considered a life goal worthy of respect and quest. And that's why it's never found.
What I believe in is satisfaction. What I can talk about, what I can relate to and what I can stamp as real is satisfaction. Not because of its surreality rather its ability to be measured.
When someone is feeling down or depressed, the first thing he's advised withis to look for the bright side, the filled portion of the cup. The things you have accomplished and managed to get right and done. Are they telling him to be happy? No, they're pointing him to the direction of satisfaction. That feeling where everything else looks minor and unworthy. Where a person can measure and enumerate his life achievements. The only true scale anyone can look at and evalute his time, efforts and life choices.

I can understand when someone says, I'm not satisfied with where I am today, I'm not satisfied with the rate I'm working at to achieve my goals, I'm not satisfied with the goals I chose for my life, I'm not satisfied with my career, I'm not satisfied with my marriage and I'm not satisfied with the person I see in the mirror.
But, I can't understand when people say I'm not happy.
You're not happy because nothing around you is bringing you satisfaction or at least closer to it.
You're not happy because nothing amusing is going on around you.
You're not happy because you're disappointed with yourself and those around you.
You're not happy because you can't grasp what you aim
You're not happy because you aren't capable of enjoying the moment you're at.
You're not happy because you can't see the beauty of yourself, your life and your companions
You're not happy because happiness is momentary.
You're not happy, not because you're sad. Happiness can't be the opposite of sadness, you can't base your spirit status and mood on facial expressions.
You're not happy because you're not satisfied.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Cold War; when two girls fight over a guy (CONVO magazine)

Do you think guys are the only ones who check girls out? Nope, girls do that to, not for the same reasons of course or I hope not but it’s in those glares girls’ exchange that hold the true meaning of rivalry. They can greet one another warmly while holding on to their despise, however it’s their willingness to change to get that something/someone they desperately desire that portrays how deep they’re willing to go. Competing with an actual predator is nothing less of a science, even though it’s fun to watch, it requires a long list of phases players have to pass successfully to proceed with a game where nothing is allowed to go wrong as the only way to the exit door is through a humiliating walk of shame!

Phase 1: Look for details to get the big pictureWhen a girl likes a guy, she’s sensitive to everything he says to her, to other girls and everything other girls do around him. For that, a girl is capable of seeing the simplest gestures suggesting that another one is falling for the same guy. Even though he might not be that interested, if there’s one thing you should know about girls, it’s that once they want someone, they; one; consider him private property, two; they’ll get him by whichever means and three; they’ll keep it a secret until it happens! Now it’s time for the game to start but it’s much of a silent game at this point since neither of them is willing to sacrifice her desire, then why open up a discussion that will surely force one to step back! Preferably, keep a low profile and hope for the best!

Phase 2: Keep your friends close; keep your enemies even closer.
It’s out of question that she needs to know her potential guy first, listen carefully when he brags about his ex-conquests; memorize his likes and dislikes to be his perfect match from heaven. But that other girl requires technique, for no girl is that stupid to worry about winning a guy over and fighting with another girl at the same time, that’s a distraction! She needs to have them all on the same side. So, they must be best friends, really tight best friends. She needs to know her inside out, know her strengths and most importantly her flaws which will help with kicking her out of the picture. Thus they spend day and night together lunching, shopping, jogging and the heart-heart sessions are vital for their bonding. That’s when they get to talk about everything including him! While sharing their thoughts about the new guy, she starts throwing in some funny comments about how he’s weird and all, erasing every possibility that she might be into him. After these missions have been successfully accomplished, the fierce part of the game’s about to start. Since the other girl no longer thinks of her new best friend as an opponent so she lay off, thinking it’s only a matter of time before he asks her out but it only takes one signal to get her feeling confused and left out. It goes something like this…
G1- the guy: "You’re always like that; remember that time in high school?"
G2 (:-o): "I didn’t know you two go a long way back!
G1 calmly: Oh, no it’s just a story he told me"
Done and done…

Phase 3: The weakest always survive!Now that she’s got the other girl doubtful again, she goes acting like an innocent dove sticking to her fake best friend like glue, narrating every single detail that’s happening with her life excluding him of course, misleading her with the "you know everything" bit to keep her in the dark. But she doesn’t want that girl to divert her from her goal; hence she goes for the female most decisive weapon; her weakness. Yes, in nature the strongest survive, but in girls’ norms it is the weakest who survive!
So, it must seem like unintended, something as simple as illness, something that’s not her fault! That way she’ll get the special attention she needs along with the phone calls where he checks on her but usually turns into an all-nighter and they’ll get a lot closer. Consequently, they’ll be acting all yummy and cute since they can’t seem to stop talking about each other but it won’t be too long before the now outsider picks up on that. Feeling betrayed she’ll try to win him back but it’s too late now, he’s already hocked. And before she gets to plan her battle, she’s surprised with her soon to be ex-best friend talking to her about something she never wished to hear…
G1 (;-D): Guess what? He finally asked me out
G2 (:-o): Finally, Congrats!
G1 ;-): Thanks, I new you’d be happy for me. Go shopping today? I’ve to look good for our first date.
G2 slyly: sure. (I’m thinking something ugly!)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Surviving the winter Blues (CONVO magazine- Nov'08)

Summer seems to hold a special place in everyone’s heart; people are just more cheerful and colorful during summer months. Everyone is more alive, even when killer hot, it’s as if repulsed by their own homes, everyone's in the streets, and the city never sleeps. People just never seem to get tired- like they know they’re torturing themselves but they like it!- they’d work like crazy all morning and still manage to enjoy a late night out with friends. Every year people come to realize that it’s over much too soon and before you know it people turn grey. I guess it’s a common belief now that winter is for work and summer is for fun that once it’s autumn people split into two types; some refuse to wear heavy clothes because by that they’ll be admitting that summer is over. While others passively accept the fact and go through with the whole hibernation process even though it’s not January yet!
The Syndrome
And as the days get shorter, the cold nights get longer, announcing winter’s arrival and breaking the spirits of many. You see people walking down the streets silently depressed, hiding under their clothes, rushing to get home before it rains. For winter abolishes the sense of accomplishment in many, they feel that the day is over even before it begins, it seems like there isn’t much time to do anything thus they end up doing nothing. It’s no wonder why lots of people hate winter! It’s because of the rarely seen sun that they feel down but they’re not alone in this. For "Winter Blues" is a milder form of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) that’s a well spread syndrome affecting millions of people each year, women are more pretentious of course since men seem to be almost unaffected by anything. Though it’s not the same for everyone in terms of severity as for some people it comes in a severe depression form requiring medical care, it affects almost everyone but in milder forms. I bet you’re familiar with the "It’s too cold excuse" where we blame it all on the weather like we don’t attend early classes because it’s too cold, we can’t get out of bed because it’s too cold, can’t think because it’s too cold, gain weight because it’s too cold to exercise. But it’s weird that it’s never too cold to eat chocolates, pastas and every fattening food there is thus combining that with the no exercising policy we’ll be small cute elephants roaming the streets of Cairo!
What I won’t be telling you?!
There are many ways recommended on which you can beat up the winter blues but they’re all themed "re-live summer through winter" and I hate that! Sufferers are told to soak up as much sun as possible, listen to cheerful music, try outdoor activities, etc… It’s as if trying to teach affected people how to forget it’s winter. I don’t think that’s a solution, putting aside that I favor winter, change is the only constant thing in our lives; how on earth can we contradict that?! I understand that it’s difficult to move out of any comfort zone and that if possible we’d stay there forever. But when you accept change there’ll be a tiny possibility that you might like it, even if you didn’t summer is always around the corner which you’ll get to appreciate more now that you’ve lived through winter.
So how to enjoy winter as winter?!
Simply by accepting winter as it is because believe it or not winter has its good shinny side! You can start by picturing winter as a ladder through which you can reach whichever goal you’ve been trying to aim like loosing weight, you don’t have to wait for spring to shed the extra pounds, enjoy the fact that in winter one gets to wear coats that pretty much covers everything so get it over with before it’s summer again and if it’s still "too cold" to leave home you might as well work out there. Winter is a calm, dormant season where you can overlook your life, rejuvenate, read books, attend training sessions, grow on spiritual levels, I mean since winter is seen as a working season, you might as well benefit from that! And you can always invite friends over for a nice movie, walk in the rain and enjoy a hot cup of coffee mixed with the morning cold breeze, there’s nothing like it to take your mind off troubles.
But don’t hate winter, it’s as beautiful as summer and like the summer’s burning sun, winter has its biting cold. Enjoy winter as it is because it might not be the same next year, for no winter last forever and no spring ever skips its turn.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Have you met my 24 faces? (He Said She Said magazine- Dec'08)

To whom it may concern,
I admit I fell for the same trap once again; I fell weak to my knees and gave into my irrational heart desires.
Why do people cheat? Why are they always too blind to see? Why can't they enjoy what God bestowed upon them? Why are they hunting what others have? Why do they perceive their misery as the end of the world? And why do they assume their partners are happy? Is it all a matter of ego that makes it impossible for a man to imagine being the faulty one and it's out of question that his woman is happy?!

Selfish… he's just too selfish. He was selfish when he decided to cheat on his wife, and is selfish now to ask me to embark on this affair. Can't he see that like him, I'm not happy? That a part of me wanted this relationship just as much? I'm lonely, bored, desperate and yearning for a partner. Someone who is kind enough to donate two hours of his time. Two hours only to share my happiness, joy sadness and stress- someone to help me find a convincing reason to wake up in the morning. Someone to bring my heart beats to life; someone who can make this bitter taste go away.

You know what I really need? I need adventure, I need I need excitement, I need fun, I need compassion, I need intimacy and I need love…

I met him three months ago, at a time when life was nothing more than a rotten fruit, getting darker and filthier by the hour. I saw him this handsome man, with a sexy grin, snobbish attitude and an irresistible scent that still runs through my nose every time I recall that day. He came into my office to see my boss; his long time best friend. Every time he came, we talked a little bit more, and the more we talked, the more I learnt about his sufferings with his wife; the more I sympathized with him, the more I thought about him…

I thought of his wife and how stupid she must be to let go of such a remarkable man. I thought of him as a devoted father, who swallowed all troubles for the sake of his children. I thought of his strong arms. Those arms, his arms, I have dreams about them. I've always wanted a man with a muscular arms to hold me when I'm weak, to protect me when I'm scared, to lift me up when I'm too lazy to walk and to comfort me when I need compassion. It's almost magic when this tough, undefeatable frontier melts with a woman's touch, his woman's touch and I was turning into "his woman."

I talked, shared, vented and fell in love, yet I couldn't help but wonder what was I doing differently? Why did he find my craziness appealing but hers intolerable? Why did he enjoy spending six hours with me while dreading half an hour with her? Why did he find it pleasurable to buy me gifts but thought she was all about the money? Why did he relate to me at times when he couldn't feel where she's coming from?
She, his wife, his one-time soul mate, the mother of his children, the one who stood by him through thick and thin, the woman he has known for 12 years is unbearable?! And I, his friend's office manager, the girl he spoke with 30 minutes every week, the girl who told him only delicious facts to keep him coming for more, is his favorite?

Has he met my 24 hour faces?! Did he see me rolling and grumbling out of bed? Did he witness one of my panic attacks? Did he feel my selfishness, greediness and envy? No, all he's seen is a vibrant younger woman, always looking gorgeous like she just stepped out of a poster, always smiling, listening and acting pretentious! He fell in love with the-first-three-months-of-every-relationship version of me. But I bet that when he spends 12 years by my side he'll contact the ugly side. If I spent 12 years by his side I might as well refuse to chew that fat!

He never met me, with my 24 hour faces on; instead he captured the dream, the rush and the excitement of every new thing. He wanted an affair, a short-term relationship where happiness never dies, where lust never fails and where blindness prevails. I'm glad he only got the chance to meet the fun, sexy, crazy, wrong version of me. But if he ever decides we get married, I won't be able to pretend nor act anymore, because he'll be there every minute of every day to witness the ups and downs of my life and the faces that come along with it. Only then he'll realize that I'm no different from his wife. I'm just another human being with 24 hour faces; he just didn't wait around to see…

Sincerely yours,

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Stages of love & Relationships Part 1 (Euphoria, November'09)

While our culture remains as the biggest barrier against the normal development of relationships, having the knowledge that it takes to live happily ever after is mandatory. Think about it, it's not like we're dating various people left and right and having the chance to explore, gain some experience and get to know our standards better. Actually, it's more of an acting out, I'm dating because it's forbidden and thus I'm breaking my confining rules! And if it's any consolation, instead we either bump into people by chance; meet them through arranged gatherings or the worst salvation of all, the internet. So, I chose my first article to start midway, just like our culture, by setting our commitment terms straight and then what happens next is that after talking those terms over with our potential partners, we turn around and start from stage 1:

1. The "I like what I see and hear" phase:
Before we get into that, let's set something straight first. The whole process of having a life-partner comes in two portions, there's the love part and the relationship side. Now they may not differ in their purposes, yet they vary dramatically in their speed of progress. You can say that love controls the mind while relationship controls the rationality of the situation. Thus on love terms, when meeting someone you like, you are attracted to that person on two levels, physically and emotionally. Physical attraction has much to do with the animalistic desires generated by estrogen/ testosterone hormones which indicate that you wouldn't mind getting intimate, on the physical level, with that person. Of course lusting is something entirely different from liking or falling for that someone. However, it's not uncommon for love to start with lust, where you like what you see and would like it even better if you can connect on all other levels. What happens next, if your lust isn't just temporary, is that this person becomes your object of interest. With sleepless nights tossing and turning thinking about him/her, the euphoric rush you get each time you cross paths, the infamous racing heart beats whenever you hear their names and the obsession that never subsides regardless how many times you convince yourself that you're not turning into a stalker! All of these signs mean one thing; you're emotionally attracted to that person.
Still if you wish for this relationship to be heartache free, you must know that in this stage, you abide to see your crush's flaws. You know how they say love is blind? This is perfectly true for the attraction phase. So don't rush into judgments regarding how angelic this person seems for you won't have the rational ability to think straight. Take your time getting to know him/her, but be careful not to share your secrets or private details of your life as you don't really know them all that well. Keep it candy sweet, casual, fun and talk a lot so you can decide whether if that person has the necessary potential or not.

2. The "what if there's someone better for me out there" phase:
So you've talked, shared some fun times and pretty interesting phone calls that's keeping you hooked. Now, you're scared that this is getting serious and by serious I mean sooner or later you may need to take a life changing decision, to commit or not to commit?! And I'm all with you; it's dead scary, especially for those who take relationships seriously and not just another careless attempt at love. But the problem happens when you consider this hesitation as a sign that this isn't the right person for you. Because as uncertainty happens people get divided into two segments, those who consider it as an honest insight to bad luck, while others view it as a minor turmoil they shouldn't pay attention to. And it's true, you should never pay attention to such feelings especially when everything is going fine, the person has what it takes and you certainly feel that attraction getting stronger. Hesitation comes as nothing but an expected bump along relationships. It has nothing to do with love, as long as your feelings are not moving backwards, it has more to do with the rational thinking serious relationships require.
If you feel a wave of hesitation hitting your potential special someone, don't panic, just react in a more understanding calm manner. For example, men tend to retreat for a while, after coming all too strong, they decide to cool off and pull back. When he does that, give him all the time he needs to decide and assure himself that you're Mrs. Right. Don't ruin it by chasing him and asking questions, instead leave him be and if he comes back all strong and loving, then know that he's now sure of his feelings towards you. Women, on the other hand, when hesitant expect reassurance and more care from the man's side. What he does wrong is that he expects she's just like him needs her space and so she ends up feeling unwanted. So, the bottom line is, give him space to interpret his feelings whereas give her more love to feel reassured.

3. The "I want no one but you" phase:
Now that the relationship is heading somewhere more serious and more committed, it's highly unlikely for partners to still have second thoughts, unless something alarming has come up which of course would put your progress as a couple on hold or in worst case scenarios end it!
So, let's assume that everything is moving on just perfectly, what are the things you should expect in this phase and how to handle the hassles?!
Normally, this would've been the ideal timing for you to set your standards straight with your partner. As you've thought things through and decided that you want no one but him/her which means you want exclusivity. Thus now is the time for some serious talking aside romantic moments. You should discuss your finances, future plans and your career. But no baby talk just yet; remember you're only exclusive not engaged! But because our lovely society doesn't usually allow us to go through regular relationship phases, we tend to discuss those important issues before hand to avoid another relationship stain.
Another thing that you might notice is how passion has remarkably faded. Yes you're still in love, yes, you still find each other interesting and yes, you want to be together forever. However, it's not breathtaking anymore, there're much less surprises, probably only on national holidays and events. Things just feel more normal and plain now. That's because you've settled down early, you assume that your partner is yours now; you've got your catch and why bother shedding another breath when you can relax and enjoy the company. Wrong! Take it as a rule of thumb, never stop trying to impress, never stop trying to surprise and never let things boil down to boredom. Because people aren't that easy to be tied down or taken for granted, trust me they'll just leave. Although, this phase of subsided passion is a given because of two hormones our own bodies release, Vasopressin and endorphins which promote a sense of security, well-being and peace during long-term relationships. Yet, the heart would want what it always wanted, continually invigorated passion…

To be continued,

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Set your standards straight before it's TOO LATE (Euphoria Oct'09)

Among the strong comeback of arranged marriages and the endless search for the perfect soul mate, almost everyone manages to fall for the wrong ones and for the wrong reasons.
"How can I tell if he/she is right for me?" has become the mystery of all that is mysterious, especially if we only aim is momentary happiness. While all we need is to think about our needs, measure the demands of our partners, open our minds to different opinions and have the courage to discuss the following topics…

Why are you proposing? And why am I listening to you?There's such thing as the concept of marriage which you either approve of or despise. If you despise it, then why bother looking! But if you approve, you need to go over the concept yourself one last time before questioning your future partner's. So, why do you want to get married? Is it love? Companionship? Kids? Security? Financial security? Social status? Independence? Or seeking a normal environment for your kids?!
Whatever your reasons may be, don't be ashamed of them as there's no wrong reason for marriage. But there are incompatible reasons, for instance, if you're getting married because you want children, but he hates the idea of having kids. Then this relationship is doomed. Yet, don't go bragging about your reasons either, especially if they tend to scare people away or send them the wrong message. Like if you're aiming money, or certain social status. Keep them to yourself till you hear his/her reasons first or at least till you grasp what kind of a person he/she is.

What do wife and husband mean to you?Lots of couples tend to clash over this specific point, although it makes a hot subject for a struggling TV show! However, because each of us has his/her different theory regarding the duties of wives and husbands, life can get pretty difficult in terms of understanding and appreciating. But regardless of how the world view your duties as a wife or a husband, what are you willing to do and offer? As a husband, would you mind babysitting the kids as your wife have a girls' night out? As a wife, are you willing to clean up after your husband's mess? "How far can you go" should be the question. How do you view your part and how does your partner view his? Are you a traditional, more like very classical person, or can you accept changes?! This subject is crucial for you guys to discuss and set straight once and for all.

Expecting much?
Expectations go on the other side of the previous question. Because it's not only enough to know your role in marital life, it's equally important to think and talk about your expectations. Actually, no, I change my mind, this subject is way more important.
You need to know what your partner expects from you in all different aspects and you should be honest about yours too, even if they sound too demanding. Put them out there and start discussing. It's better than being hit in the face by the fact that your man is very traditional and expecting you to sweep the floors yourself!

What about my career?This is the first question I asked my partner and the first question ever woman should ask hers. Even if you're not a career- oriented woman who values being a wife and a mum, does your man want this? Or would he rather go for a working woman? Because, unlike what we've been told, men don't always prefer housewives and it's needless to say that in that case he's free to go. Nevertheless, if your potential guy doesn't have a problem with you working nor your working conditions, still you need to think things through with yourself first. Are you working to pass free time, or do you dream of a high profile career? Would you take a break to look after the kids? Would you settle for a less demanding job, if you can't cope? According to your answers to the above questions, both of you would be able to portray a much life-like image for your future, when to have kids? Do you need to hire help? The financial responsibilities? So, you need another reason to talk. And be very clear with him regarding your plan as to not be surprised by the common action of "you're my wife now and I demand you to stay at home!"

Do you believe privacy goes with commitment?
Some men work hard to keep their women away from their business world. May be they want for a single part in their lives to remain single, may be it's a manly concept, their secret bank accounts or they know flat out that their wives won't bless their work ethics. Therefore, they prefer privacy. And sometimes it goes beyond practicality to friendships and social calendars, to demanding some alone time like a weekend with friends or private gatherings at some club. Distance is beneficial and often mandatory to keep romance alive, but are you all for a mysterious partner? Or would you prefer him to be involving, honest, including you in almost every activity in his life? Can you stand being around him all the time? Can he stand being with you day and night without loosing the passion? But remember, if he's mysterious before marriage; don't expect him to be any different afterwards. If you cherish your alone time, don't you dare think you'd appreciate his none stop company.

Kids; how many? When? How to raise them?Kids can secretly cause an unfixable crack between couples when one of them is not being honest with his/her plans. You may be thinking it's too soon to talk babies, but it's not, especially that it can reveal so much about yourself and your partner that you may be reluctant to talk about. Such as both of your religious status, what are your limits and no-no's? What are the things you don't like about yourselves and upbringings that you'd like to avoid when raising your kids? Do you have a financial plan to support the children? Simply because the kids issue comes as a sort of a given for some people, especially women, while forgetting all about their men who may want to wait for some reason that's important to them.

What're your future plans?
It comes as a shocker to many that there're people with no ambitions, who seek a standard job with a standard salary and a standard way of life. Those people may find their match but after a series of failed attempts, as ambition happens to be a forgettable quality, people assume it comes with every human gene. So, after they neglect talking about it, one gets amazed by the fact that his/her partner is either too ambitious or effortlessly settling for less. Business plans is another subject worth talking about, as it will automatically defines your spending limits, savings, if the idea exists in the first place, when to have kids and the most controversial topic of working abroad.

Blow off technique?Or better yet, how to deal with each other?! Especially when things get a little rough, because during happy, relaxing fun times, couples may reach their peak of understanding and joy but when the crap hits the fan, it's very difficult and confusing knowing what exactly that you should do or avoid doing! Thus, enjoy an evening of angry stories, tips on how to cool off your potential partner anger and let him/her learn a thing or two about your dark side before you crash for good…

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

How to tell the relationship is over?! (He Said She Said Sept'09)

I wasn't able to write my August article for He Said She Said Magazine

The ordeal of night blindness...

Seeing the best in people is always the easiest choice. It just saves a lifetime of endless wonderment, thinking and blaming. Settling for what you already have has always been effortless compared to the tiring restless journey of looking for the next best thing. But sometimes holding onto things comes from the inner refusal to give up on the effort exerted to attain them in the first place. Relationships are no different; they may require years to build them, tears to maintain them, sweat to keep them interesting yet when it comes to ending, none of the above are overlooked or even forgotten. That's why people cling, agree to stay in a relationship that is doomed and throw away their rights in humanity when their partners abuse and mistreat them.
This time I won't be taking my Eve-ian orientation in mind, I won't stand by the defeated woman who is forced to stay in a relationship because she has no other options or so she thinks. I won't abide by the new weak male figure that can't speak up and demand a fair trial since apparently heartless women rule the world now. I'll be brutal and just as merciless when handling such an issue simply because I've had it with people suffering from permanent night blindness…
So, you can tell your relationship is over when:
- You're always taken for granted. Your partner expects you to always be there, always be truthful and always be as loving regardless of their intended distancing.
- You've become the second option when they have nothing better to do.
- Your feelings, efforts to impress them, even presence is disregarded. You always feel left out and abandoned.
- This relationship has become more of a burden than an awaited getaway. It takes more effort to get it close to normal or how it used to be, and you feel like you're the only one doing the hard work.
- Expressing simple words of love and admiration have become unutterable!
- You're thinking about ending it all the time.
- You dream about being with someone else, in a more secured relationship.
- You'd rather be alone than be around him/her.
- You're always crying, sad and burdened by your partners actions.
- You've grown to expect only the worst from your partner.
- You've become worlds apart, in terms of needs, wants, aspirations, boundaries and perspectives.
- The trust is killed! You said some words, he did some things that it's now impossible to respect and appreciate one another ever again.
- Even when he/she slips, you forgive and forgive and still your generosity is unappreciated.
- Your partner is abusing you physically, emotionally and verbally.
- You are abusing your partner physically, emotionally and verbally.
- Your partner doesn't trust you, he/she thinks of you as a liar, capable of cheating and ready to walk away any minute now.
- You don't trust your partner, never have and never will. It could be something he's done before or this is your general concept. Either ways the relationship is destroyed.
- Every simple talk or a minor argument turns into a ridiculous unreasonable fight. Your communication channels are blocked.
- You fear your partner rather than respect their presence in your life which consequently pushes you to lie and go behind their back.
- You're jealous of your partner's success in work, social life and the general attention which some people call luck that he manages to always get.
- Your partner is jealous of you and your success in everything that he/she couldn't achieve.
- Your partner doesn't satisfy your basic human needs for attention, love and companionship.
- Your partner's selfishness and exceeding love for oneself has destroyed your self-esteem.
-The passion is gone! You've worked hard to rekindle it. Your partner has worked hard to revive it, but it's just done.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

How to brush off the ex effect?! (He Said She Said July'09)

The ordeal of wanting it all...

After a lousy breakup or an unexpected change of heart, the ex becomes nothing more of a memory; a well preserved memory. The preciousness of which have absolutely everything to do with where we are now. Single, committed, happily committed, can't wait till it's over committed or overshadowed by the past. However, everyone reacts differently to the sound of their ex's name and they have every right to feel that way based on how and why things ended. Some get that instant adrenaline rush of a 15 year old talking to his long time crush for the very first time; others have smoke coming out of their ears and flames rushing through their lips. But the luckiest of all are those who quietly remember the good and the bad with a gracious yet mysterious smile strong enough to keep their mouths and their hearts right where they should be. Yet, of course, those are the lucky sane ones who master the art of self-control. As for the other two, we are in serious need of pinning and a clear head to think straight with. But before struggling to get that to happen, here are the three common situations during which an ex can leave a permanent, how can I put this politely?!... A finger print!

1. Shaky grounds
My mum always says if it wasn't for the little holes, we wouldn't have appreciated smooth floors. But I always wondered how on earth would I even envision a smooth floor when I'm stuck in a filthy, smelly, dark hole?! How would I stand strong when my relationship is sinking and I have to graciously salute an old flame?! Wouldn't I secretly wish to be with the fun, can't seem to remember why I left him right now, guy rather than Mr. Reality?! Morals say no, one should never wish that, one should never think of that, instead one has to suck it up and go work on their shaky relationship. How?
a. Like a moth to a flame, one should seek protection in their partners' presence, bathe in their goodness and oversee their repelling side.
b. On the other hand, when running into the ex always try to make it as brief and as gracious as possible.
c. Most theories imply that part of the butterfly effect has to do with your level of self-satisfaction back then and where you are now. So, if you're longing for the past, you might be the reason why. Maybe you were more fit back then, less tempered, more energetic or fun.
d. And as I always suggest, the most effective way to get rid of any unwanted feeling is to remember why you left in the first place, remember all the bad times till you get that disgust in your gut!

2. Single & dying to mingle
The awesomeness of single-hood ends the moment you're reminded of a relationship you were once happy in. So, to lay it out gently, if you're single and ran into your ex, the feelings are resurfacing, you feel that you never really got over him. Your soul is battling whether or not you should give this another go; especially that he's also as free as a bird. Then you should consider going back only if:
a. The reasons why you called it quits looks numbingly stupid , trivial and petty right now.
b. After having your share of bad dates, you believe that his good qualities outweigh his bad one.
c. You've grown up, became more responsible and reasonable, I might add, and that you can handle the downsides of being with him. Period

3. The Obnoxious tell off
Karma usually finds its funny ways to pay back any wisecracker without even noticing. So picture this, you're sipping your coffee peacefully one day when you notice your abhorrent ex coming your direction. Now don't get me wrong, he's not just any ex, he's the one who grabbed your heart and smeared your favorite wallpaper with it, he's the one who left you lifeless for so long that you almost gave up breathing, he's the one who robbed your ability to love and trust. And all you can think of at this very moment is how to react?! Should you yell? Scream? Bite his head off? Settle this once and for all jungle style? Walk away? Or simply hi back?!
a. If it's been 5 -10 years, let it go, take the highroad for karma has definitely done its part.
b. 2 -4 years, you have the right to give him the cold treatment. But don't go too far. We don't want him thinking you're still hung up on him.c. month -1 year. The world is your dance floor. Do it your way. But I would recommend either a silent treatment or a walk away. After all, the wound is still exposed, fresh and thirsty for treatment!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

How to confront YOUR PARTNER with his FLAWS?! ( He Said She Said June'09)

One of the greatest things about this column is that my now called husband never reads it. This means I get to spill whatever I want about me, him or even us! And since we're talking confrontations, I've been there bad! I tried every trick in the book to lay him off gently, brutally, neutrally and sometimes happily. And so did he! So, to get to the bottom of this itchy subject, I have to take you along to where it all begins, to where every confrontation decision is born; the fight!

Generally speaking, when two people fall for each other as the honey-taste arises, disparities shine. And what causes fighting other than differences?! Nothing! Hence, each think in their own way, have different perspectives, judge, blame, lose sight at certain moments and there you go… Flaws all over the place!

Women when angry, disappointed or hurt can't help but blame! They, by which I mean we, have this weird capability to make anyone feel guilty. Thus during a fight, it's irrational to expect a woman to speak gently, caringly or worse… Sympathize. All we can do during this mind-numbing moment is blame and charge men for pushing us to reveal our ugly side!
Men, on the other hand, judge! It's doesn't sound any sweeter especially when arguing with women. As we need understanding, emotional support and love especially during fights. What men, unconsciously, do is go with the "I told you so" attitude, therefore judging women's temper, loud voice and the reason why they're so worked up over the subject. So you see that neither men nor women during that state of adrenaline rush can think straight, let alone navigate annoying flaws.

How to confront a woman?
First off, good luck! Secondly, Always keep in mind that women are sensitive, crying beings who love looking good. And I mean love looking perfect in every way especially in their men's eyes…
1. The worst thing about women is that they expect men to know the right things to say and do. Even I, writing this thus knowing it, expect nothing less from my man. So you have one choice other than taking your chances which is to try hard to show her that you won't leave, won't feel good unless she feels good again about herself. And then even if you slipped, stand up straight and try again and she'll forgive you because you've already told her you want her smiling.
2. Unlike men, women are ready to give their all just to see their men happy, even if the confrontation style was awful; she'll take the hint, but will never forget you spotted her flaw! So try to erase by constantly thanking her for taking your pointers into consideration
3. Another trick that never failed is to tell her that she working on her flaw would embark a huge difference on your relationship aka the most important thing in her life. And she'll be more than happy to do it.
4. Never threaten to leave her if she didn't obey your orders. Because she'll be the one to leave you, if not instantly, she'll obey you first then collect her stamina to kick you right off her life.

How to confront a man?
Telling a man that he has flaws and you've noticed instantly delivers an irrational message that you think less of him. And you know what that does to a man with an ego? Total destruction! So you have to be very careful.
1. The first thing you need to watch out is the tone and your initial catch phrase. If you begin your words with "You did" or " You said" or "You always do" or " Why do you always say" That would just toss your conversation attempt right out the window. As you have switched on his defensive mode and instead of talking things through, you'd hear him trying to convince you with reasons why he behaved that way. And we certainly don't want that!
2. Men have huge egos, no surprise here. So don't forget to praise them, glorify their presence in your life every once in a while during your talk.
3. When your words are still not getting through to him, use the fact that men are visual and draw him two very vivid images of how ecstatic your relationship would be when he quits his flaw and how annoying it would be if he persisted.
4. The love letter technique found in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Is actually effective, aside the fact where you have to read the love letters for each other which I think is so very cheesy. It truly helps you blow off some steam and talk in a more audible tone. You simply start with why you're angry, then sad, then afraid, then what do you regret not doing and finally why you love your man. That way you have love as the last thing on your mind and heart, so you come out all gentle and cute!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

How to spot the right reasons for getting married?! (He Said She Said May '09)

The ordeal of overlooking blindness

Any writer would probably tell you that the hardest part of conducting an article resides in choosing the right first word. Fortunately for me, there’s no need to fret over words choices this time. Because the topic is that important and pretty much self-explanatory, how to know if you’re getting married for the right reasons and how to decide to get married for the right reasons?!
Since I’m getting married, probably while you’re reading this, I’m in no position to preach or give royal instructions. I’m right there in your shoes, I’ve had my doubts as well as he, and I went over all the possible reasons why I should take this very serious step. That’s why I promise to deliver rational reasons for getting married which have been tested on yours truly and the people I come across everyday…

There are two scenarios when it comes marriage; either you fall in love voluntarily or you get acquainted the formal way. In both situations you must at least like the person, in other words, you’ve sensed the promising potentials for a healthy relationship. Apart from the reasons, there’s a horrific mistake, I’ve witnessed people making and I saw their marriages crumble to the ground; change! Regardless of the level of intimacy both of you share, when ingoing a relationship with high hopes to change whatever it is you hate about your partner, you’re always hit with the fact that PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE! It’s either you accept their dents or leave them be, don’t torture yourself with the impossible mission to change them and don’t torment them with your endless comments and directions.

Marriage scenario#1: The Love.
One month after I met him, he proposed! Honestly, I took it as a joke and forgot all about it. But he persisted. I was flattered. I fell for him more and gave in. Of course that was 5 years ago, I didn't know what I know now, neither did he. I didn't know that the firsts of every relationship are tricky. For we stand in the attraction phase, too occupied by the racing heartbeats, sleepless nights and the unstoppable euphoric sensation. This is where love is literally blind and unwilling to pickup on any warning vibes. And this also where no commitment promises should be made. I consider myself lucky, not smart, because I literally ran across the right guy without pausing to review my reasons. In the grown-up world, as attraction pull couples closer they get to talk, learn about each other, pass through the worst and the best of times, and if the attraction is still going strong, they move on to the next phase; commitment. But in the earliest heat of the moment, any decision taken is irrational as it all comes down to hormones, desires and chemistry.

Marriage scenario#2: The Set-up
Exactly 6 months before the wedding, i.e. 6 months ago, I realized that there're things I didn't know about my man of 5 years! And yes, I blame the damn attraction phase and the wedding preparations that had my head spinning. So, let's say you got introduced to someone nice and there were sparks. Two days later, you got introduced to another nice someone and there were sparks also. You like them both, you see the potential for success and you have to choose; then you need the pros and cons list to fairly decide. And to decide, you need the answers for the following questions:
- Why do you want to get married? (to have a family, to have sex, to find security, to be more socially acceptable, etc…)
- Would you rather have a housewife or a working woman?
- How successful do you want to be?
- When do you want to have kids?
- How many kids do you want to have?
- Regarding friends, do you mind having friends of the opposite sex?
- Do you believe in such thing as privacy in relationships?
- What are your interests and hobbies?
- Do you want me to share your interests and hobbies?
- How close are you to your family?
- How involved do you want our families to be?
- When angry, do you like to talk about it right away or hide in your cave?
- Are you looking for a traditional marriage?
- On the emotional level, are you verbal or action-oriented?
- What do you expect from your partner?

Those are just headlines to get your juices flowing, however by all means, never ask these questions as is, put them in context, especially when dealing with men. They hate interrogations. Just keep in mind that there are no wrong reasons when doing something as sacred as marriage. BUT, there are wrong people, wrong timing and wrong conditions.


Friday, July 31, 2009

How to fight off temptations?! (He Said She Said April '09)

The ordeal of dangled baits!

Time after time people have failed to define what’s so special about new things?! Is it the mystery, the fresh start, the anticipation or does it all come down to the matter of glittery boxes?! I for one have always believed that part of the enticement lays in the renewed chance for firsts and of course the sparkling swathe protecting it from predators eyes. Much like the affairs business, don’t you think? All complicated behind the scenes reasons aside, affairs have more to do with the carefully selected swathe! If you dare to disagree, allow me to remind you of my one dimensional theory which clearly states that when dealing with people while not living together, one tend to see only the charming, smiling, fun side. Thus, it’s only natural to fall for someone who you think never frown, doesn’t get angry as much and on top of all appreciate every little thing you do.

So to get this article started, you have to know that there are no guiding steps which you can follow and VOILA! The enticement spell is broken; in fact I find the tips spread around are much too theoretical to help.
That’s why ladies and gentlemen I give you the three facts everyone should know to avoid falling for the dangled baits trick, all of which have been extracted from humans before. Of course!
1. The cheating bone!
Although it’s a widely used, remarkably accurate figure of speech, well, it’s no longer just that! This has become an accredited fact that some people are born with a tendency to cheat or as the scientists committee politely puts it, are destined to have poor relationships. But of course it’s not literally a bone, it’s a gene actually titled the monogamy gene, allele 334. The more copies a person has of this monogamy gene, the more he’s up to cheat! I admit that it won’t be easy having a somehow normal relationship with such partner, for you constantly have to pick on the waves signaling that your relationship in going steady and thus you have to keep him/her interested and just too occupied to search for more.
2. Not getting it at home
No, I’m not talking about sex here because believe it or not sex, as in the mechanical action of lust, is not the trigger here. Women who believe that men go for prettier women or those who can satisfy their much flaming desires are not entirely right! By mentioning not getting it at home, I’m referring to the “I can’t win” complaint, meaning that he feels that whatever he’s trying to do to please you is not enough, that he’s not a man in your eyes and even that you’re not appreciating the little achievements he makes. Accordingly, he falls for the next woman who provides for the missing “you’re all man” factor. The same goes for women, who no longer get compliments, attention, care and a simple thank you once in a while. Thus end up falling for the same trap, the man with the sweet words…
3. The tell-tale signs
I came across those signs and figured that they’ll be an excellent addition to our “know it all selection”. Those are the tell-tale signs that your partner is cheating or is about to cheat, so beware!
a. Spends more time away from home: that’s the classic sign, but make sure first it’s not work or some necessary errands before you drive your partner out of this relationship yourself!
b. Having less intimacy: It’s like my mother always say, marriage is like a circle connected by many factors, once one slips out the circle can no longer be complete and the marriage is cracked!
c. Avoiding contact: One might interpret it as pure guilt; others may say it’s out of avoidance. I say it’s an alarming sign that your partner is slipping out of your life, learn what’s bothering him/her and quickly pull them in before someone else catch them in a weak moment and forever have them.
d. Nonstop criticizing: It really can’t get more obvious than this! Your partner is clearly not happy about something or things and is being verbal about them. Listen, pay extra attention, don’t accuse them of being difficult and stop turning a deaf ear.
Those signs as well as what I hope was important insights weren’t just to watch out for your partner or protect them from falling for the bait. Those were dedicated to you as well, if you have a cheating GENE in your body or not getting what you want from your relationship, first be honest with yourself about them, talk it through with your partner and create your own bait that you’d fall far each time…

Saturday, June 6, 2009

5 Signs your guy is hooked on PORN

On another attempt to dive into the unseen side of guys, porn entered with the perfect entourage. Presenting a once in a lifetime chance to walk through such a thorny and private matter. Sex is crucial to men, hell it's like the number one definer of manhood. And not just in our culture, but it's wherever men go! A strong, hunky man must have at least one experience, girls dig that; they love dangerous skilled womanizers. Yet, how did they come about those skills is beyond a girl's mind. Or to be honest, it goes more like having a trail of women who were nothing compared to her self! Yes, women have huge egos to…

And that's where the problem resides, the limits of our imagination. Guys can lie, beautify disgusting acquaintances into a 007 steamy night and girls will believe that. Not because we're stupid, God knows we're not, but because we wish that this is how it happened. Not in a locked up room with downloaded x-rated movies! Porn, whether you like it or not, is a phase most guys pass by. It's enough to mention that 85% of porn web-browsers are men, which means your guy has only 15% chance for a legitimate alibi!

Why he does/like it is crucial to draw the fine line between just curiosity to "honey, I can't get enough!" First of all, most men don't regard "watching" porn as cheating, as they're not doing it with an actual person. In fact, porn to guys is nothing more than a stimulatory- relief tool. Unlike women, who upscale porn to the same level as having a mistress! Knowing this, porn is sometimes used by guys to grab their partners' attentions. So, if his porn-zone is out in the loose then he either doesn't care about your feelings anymore or he's trying to send you a clear message that he's craving some extra attention but he's certainly not plain dumb. However, guys might resort to porn out of boredom or as the easiest way to "breaking the habit". But, what might start out as nothing but a waste of time might very well turn into a life-wrecker, especially with those of addictive personalities. Where porn's transition hops from surfing the internet to an accustomed habit to an actual disastrous problem with no psychological addiction to watching nude people specifically but to the euphoric state "too much excitement" brings. And since you're the only one who can spot his reasons, then it's you who can detect the signs that your own guy is doing PORN…

1. All about his needs!
Ever since sex has been categorized as a manly right, guys' selfish reputations in bed have crossed all borders. Women were ranked based on their abilities to please him, pictured as a porn-like tool and enslaved for the very same reason. Generally speaking, it has been scientifically proven that sexual experiences based on only pleasing oneself, including porn, masturbation or paying for sex, yields selfish partners who only care about their needs and their satisfaction. So ladies, if your husbands' attentions have been shifted to themselves, let's just say you need to keep your eyes open!

2. Quality & Quantity
If your guy has resorted to porn, it's only logic to say that the sex frequency will be affected. And not necessarily less, as most guys view porn for excitement, not relief which means things may get steamier. The worst part though is that you're not the reason why he's overly worked. In fact, many women take the rise up as an indicator that their relationship is getting stronger, when the truth is that their men are just compensating for guilt feelings, also true when cheating, or simply getting off!

3. Privacy requested!
Isolation falls right into place when hooked up on porn. He no longer wants to go out, while encouraging you to "live your life". He's very secretive about his drawers, laptop and car. He lays off his friends to stay alone and of course switching off the screen when you walk in. So, don't brag about how your husband had changed to this open-minded creature. Your happiness is not his intention, it's whatever that can get you to stop breathing down his neck is what matter the most.

4. Sudden Swaps
Most men when having their minds set on the likes and dislikes of feminine features, it's pretty much hard to change. This means that if he swore all his life that he hates big boobs and now he seems to like them a bit too much, that's usually your queue for only 3 options:
a. He's seeing someone else with big boobs.
b. His favorite porn star is sporting humungous boobs
c. Your bell has stopped ringing for him, i.e. you don't turn him on anymore.

5. Laying off focus
Much like a thief who walks around accusing others of stealing, porn addicts do the same, mostly out of guilt. They want to feel better by pointing out everyone's flaws. And sometimes they want to pick your brains on the subject, see how you feel about this whole thing by telling their own story under someone else's name. Based on your reaction they'll either decide to tell you, go cold turkey or sink a little deeper in their porn-based lives…

Monday, May 11, 2009

Things that bring guys to tears (CONVO April 09)

2d eh ana far7ana! And I thought men were heartless. However when they're stripped off their muncho act, male ego and cultural pressure, their soft-core rises up like a phenox from the ashes. Don't get me wrong ana msh fr7ana fehom, God forbid, I'm just relieved. The whole men can cheat without feeling guilty is a rumor, the fact that they can move on in a blink of an eye is an anecdote and the no tears policy is just a cover for their frowned upon feminine sides. I asked the toughest men I know, what can make you cry? I promised complete anonymousness and I will deliver. Besides who cares about the names when the story is this good?!

There's always been this raw magnetism which attracted me to men who cry. Men who are strong, powerful and very much confident about their masculinity, that it's not a shame to cry. Girls can relate to what I'm saying here, Hercules is a hunk mafesh kalam but it's his humanitarian side and special moments that made him more than just an eye candy. I don't mean whiny men, God no, no one likes that. But it's comforting for a woman to feel that her man, her protector, her mountain, can understand her sorrow or her non-women drama, as one of the men puts it. That being said, let's scan men for their soft core…

1. Death
That was not much of a scoop here; I mean it's the accustomed answer.
Girl asks a guy: When was the last time you've cried?
Guy answers: mmm, when my grandma died, I guess.
It's the male-perfect explanation with which he escapes the risk of being heartless and he lands in the just right zone of not sounding too girlie. So, I had to dig deeper for the real deal…

2. Failure
Whether it's related to relationships, achievements, understanding oneself or money. Let's pause at the money part for a moment, men everywhere, not just in our culture, are providing-oriented, they're born producers not consumers. Thus, it's a real ball buster when the man feels that he can not provide. Things get even worse when the women in his life recognizes his failure. "I feel as if I'm not even man enough to give her what she deserves" one of the interviewee said. Failure strikes hard for both genders, but from the male point of view, the less people know about this low-point, the easier for a man to deal with. It all has to do with their caves and their refusal to share. So, they end up mourning their "ability to provide"

3. Injustice
"Part of being man is to be free," M. said. This is very true for one of the few things a mother would tell her daughter about men, which is similar to what John Gray named as the rubber band effect. Men need their spaces, they need to be left alone to think, work, act, decide before they come flying to their lives. Thus, more than women, should understand that, but they don't. Most men don't grant women the same pleasure and confine their choices, leading to injustice. For men, confining them is a killer, taking away their right to say no is soul sucking and having to stand helplessly while others are being subjected to injustice is manhood slaughtering. That's why many guys admitted that seeing poor, sick and dying people bring tears to their eyes. But unlike women, tears aren't coming from feeling sorry, but from the I can't do anything to help them side.

4. "WOMEN"
Yes! Now we're talking… The men crying because of women deal is a four-fold matter. According to my muncho men, they cry when they're:
a. Conquered: Recently, many people have been leaning on women who took the equality quarrel a bit too far and I'm one of them! To tell you the truth, I almost lost my man because of the whole women=men
crap. It took me a while to differentiate between equality and identical-ity. Someone must wear the pants in every relationship, it can't be both. If a woman chose to take the lead, then she'll be deprived from feeling like a woman, who's loved, approached and protected, the normal amount of course. And her man will feel lost! He's not a man in his relationship, he's not even a woman, he's just a human being. When men feel that way, decent men cry, not-so-decent men cheat! They go for the woman who can praise their ego and happily allow them to wear their much fitted pants.
b. Breaking-up: "I cried while writing a message to a girl that I got really attached to, and I had to leave for some specific reasons" O. confessed. Many men related to that and I was really pleased that for them love hurts for them too. But, one of them had to ruin it for me by saying " btw, the 2nd situation wasn't like I burst into tears or something, they were just a few drops (man's ego :D)" Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh
c. "When missing my girl": Now, that’s so cute, manly and says a lot about the effect women could have on men's lives if they're gone. To tell you a little something, it's not easy for a man to hand in his secrets to any woman, let alone his sweetheart who he needs to impress with his colored, flawless feathers.
d. Humiliation: Mockery is men's worst fears, especially when it's coming from the ones they're trying too hard to impress. There are certain things a woman should never tease a man about including height, physic, financial status and attitude. And this is an article I'm working on now, for, from men points of view it's not accepted to happen whether in private or in public or else, he'll go searching for someone who can appreciate his manhood.

5. And finally MOVIES!
S. said; "a7yanan bashoof regala keteer 3enehom bedama3 3ala mash-had drama fel tv, bas lama tewagheehom yenkeroo awy we ye2adoha de7k" With men confessing that they enjoy the occasional dramatic scenes in movies, but my own, whom I swear saw teary, but is still denying it! Balance has been restored to the universe and I still appreciate men who are peaceful with their emotions, 23teref ba2a… Walahi msh ha2oul l 7ad!