Thursday, January 29, 2009

Forced into Anti-Valentinism! The every woman's quest for passiom

The silliness of reality lies in its virtual episodes; which is about right, considering how I lived my life as an eccentric soul longing for conventionality! Now, I understand why most people would kill for such a quirky soul, but it is the nonstop chase after the faulty traditions that had me wondering; are people too hypnotized by what is safe, that a little harmless wildness of the heart would scare their much predictable lives? Or is it that social/financial climbing is recklessly hindering that they’re not opened for diversified people? I was, because that’s all in the past now, the diversified people who’s world wasn’t ready to accept and I didn’t have out of this world views, I swear that they were all affordable. My problem recaps in one word, PRE-DEFINED, that is my life, from the day I was born until the moment I peacefully leave this no-longer-fun earth...

It happens to every extraordinary woman when she has the one ordinary dream to enjoy Valentine’s with her man. Call it absurd; call it childish or whatever you may conceive, for it will always stay the fantasy all women of all ages await. I, on the other hand, never got the chance to come around what looks like an utter bliss, worse! I got, or to be more specific, forced to live against it!
My name is... Well, what difference will that make? Let’s just skip the casualties to get to the bundle of joy that is my uncanny life. I was raised in a more or less conservative, modern at some angles, family. Where ethics were a must, success was a bonus and no outbreaks were permissible! Like many people, I believed in Valentine’s, I was fascinated by the phony story as much as the real one and I honestly thought it was the greatest day of the year. Then life happened and it started messing with my head! Wavering between the overly rebellious anti-Valentieners and the obsessed, I somehow ended up believing in Anti-Valentienism! Don’t worry, it’s not a religion, I checked!
However, till that very moment, I’m not sure of the specific factors that contributed to such entrapment, but I remember, if my memory serves me right, the first time it happened as if it was just yesterday. It all started in middle school...

Shot in the prime of life!Yes, I was that young! Still, I was opened to new experiences and as much fun as any 12 year old girl can lever. But, I had exactly two problems; I’m in an all-girls school and the parental control that I suffered from for so long and just when I was about to believe it’s over, it was immediately replaced by a marital clout!
Back to my primal problem, the all-girls school: For those who have been lucky enough not to witness such torture, allow me to describe what it’s like being stuck in such a hardly feminine surrounding. Considering our young age, certain things were expected of us, including obedience, grace and poise!
All of which were available to the naked eye, but what lied beneath that fragile exterior was merely the opposite. As gossip was our sole entertainer during the much anticipated lunch break, girls futures were ruined as they’ll be forever more labelled with the s word, slut!
Although, those girls successful attempts to break free and date non-imaginary boys were extremely admirable. I feared for my own reputation and the welfare of the honourable future I was destined to have. But, at the same time, I couldn’t admit that to my friends, so I had to move to the other party, the anti-Valentiners! To tell you the truth, I craved the boy-girl celebrations but just couldn’t risk my life, it wasn’t worth it and that’s why I needed a stance. In middle school, anti-Valentieners weren’t as outspoken as they usually render later on in life, they don’t do flyers; they don’t construct web pages to demean the occasion nor curse out its believers. On the contrary, they worked in peace! Actually, they worked in two different directions; the first of which targeted the mind where they calmly expressed their beliefs, i.e their parents’, regarding the importance of a girl’s virgin-clean reputation and the blank history that can only be written by the hands of her husband. I was much relieved, back then, to know that there were other drama-junkies other than my own parents. Thus, I had all the right reasons to be an anti-Valentiener, and it was ensured when the second direction was in use. They would recall the adventures of a certain girl and try to predict her future! The horror stories told were enough to block my heart and mind forever. Valentine’s? What Valentine’s?!

Cheers to the girls crippled dreams!In an attempt to stand by my forcefully acquired beliefs, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Since it was my fresh start in the semi-grown up world of high school, it was only logical to start planning for my loveless future. Except that I found myself yet again tied down by this damn day! But this time it was different, there was no one around to judge my desperate gazes at the boy, nor my flaming envious peaks at the sparkling couple. On the contrary, I was harassed for being single! Well, at least THIS was new.
So, I was ready, the thought itself was too overwhelming that it emotionally drained me. I wanted to announce that I’m single, open and ready to mingle in a dignified way. One problem though; I had already established the kind-hearted nerd image, everyone was my friend and that was how guys in particular saw me, their helpful friend, not their girl-friend but rather a sexless person! It was too late now to go back and I already had my eyes set on a certain career, that even the boy couldn’t take my mind off it. Accepting this wretched truth helped me realize all the, literally, stupid things they did in preparations of the glorious Valentine’s Day. I remember Valentine’s to be barely a month away, and it was only time for their plans to transform into actions. The girls hooked up with the nearest moustache to save themselves the heartache of facing Valentine’s alone, others welcomed the once labelled looser guys for the sake of ripping their ex-s hearts out. While the boys went in the opposite direction, they wanted fresh meat on that day; accordingly, they broke up with their uptight currents to warm up for their prince-charming bits and whatever casualties this may bring! Of course they were few, normal couples scattered around with loving girls and guys ready to spend their last penny to see their babies’ smile. Despite them minding their own business, they weren’t spared the mocking, although I viewed them as the only sane, authentic people walking this school grounds. As well as the singles who didn’t believe in pretentious dating or in phony relationships statuses. But, much like my middle-school self, the singles joined the Anti-Valentieners, only this time they were overly rebellious; wearing anything but pink, making a clear statement with boorish quotes to stand their grounds. Both parties skipped classes and abandoned school two days before the day, working their plans and adding their final touches to perfection. Valentine’s came bearing frozen wind to cripple my dreams as well as the joy of others, the picture was complete with the repulsive scenery of the battling sectors each defending something that I know for a fact was only crucial to no one but them. And there I was, once again, mourning the death of a dream I once yearned for but now despise.

Who am I to argue with St.Valentine’s?!I fell for it once and I swore I wasn’t going to fall for it twice! By the time I was leaving the world of games for much mature humankind, I thought the worst was behind me. Everything was falling in its right place; I hardly succeeded in convincing myself that this whole Valentine’s hassle was not for me and that I was destined to have an ordinary uneventful life. Still, I refused to hold the Anti-Valentine’s flag high or any other motto for that matter. I simply, crossed the entire issue out of my agenda. Now all I can see is my career and the joy, I so desperately need my career to bring!
It’s the one thing that happens to all college girls; they evolve like butterflies from cocoons as the quick transition from dating to marriage takes place. Ever since my first year of college, I have been going to engagement parties and wedding ceremonies. I witnessed the girls of my generation as they threw their wildest dreams under the feet of love, marriage and kids. Many of my friends dropped out of school dedicating their full attention to their new centre of attraction, their men. And once again, it was time for Valentine’s which came slightly different that year as there was no room left for pretending to be with someone to rip the hearts out nor was pointless dating welcomed anymore. It could be because in the grown-up world everything must result in revenue and may be because we no longer have all the time in the world to waste it on failing relationships. All of which were obvious to the naked eye, as extravagant restaurants were replaced by less fancier ones, guys were looking for more economic gifts and girls didn’t mind pitching in checks. Valentine’s festivities done for the sake of bragging were no more, it was all about closeness and the fact that happy couples are still at least couples!
All of those sights and feelings caused my old dream back to resurface; I wanted that type of mature Valentine’s, the one based on noting but love and affection. Hold on a second; is this me falling for the same trap again?! Well, you know what they say; it’s hard to forget a scar!

Wherever I go, bad luck follows!As it is always the case with the likes of Helen of Troy, eligible bachelors rush to compete over their hearts and a lifetime of happiness with them. But since I’m no Helen of Troy and not even related to that league, my doorstep was always empty, my eligible bachelors were just men, merely commoners with simple dreams and tight minds. Due to all of the things that you exclusively know about my life and my ever so useless attempts to redeem it for a more exciting one, I don’t want just marriage; I want the relationship first and then come the marriage. Regardless of the numerous heartaches my mum faked each time I rejected, who she believes to be, my perfect match, all I want is someone to share my life and dreams with. And since I can’t tell whether I’m more of a practical or an emotional person, I don’t believe I’ll find Mr. right anytime soon! That being settled, I embarked my work life in a carefree attitude, with no expectations whatsoever. And so my days were lived, emptily, until one day, I saw him, he, a young thriving executive; sitting right there in front of me inquiring about bank loans. Putting aside the fact that I’m pretty sure I gave out all the wrong info, our relationship developed to a serious level. Yes, I’m in a relationship, with a successful smart man who appreciates companionship and doesn’t care what people think. At first, I felt so blessed to find someone who’s totally the opposite of all the snobbish guys I hated back in high school, but as our marriage happened quite fast yet smoothly, I was to spend Valentine’s Day as a rather married woman. Therefore, I looked forward to that day when I’ll finally get to enjoy it my way. Another good aspect about marriage is that I got to be a part of the couple’s world; we were invited to elegant soirees, weddings, dinner parties and my personal favourite horseback riding picnics. Feeling that I was living the life I’ve always wanted, I went to my husband with the goofiest smile ever and innocently asked him: “what are we going to do for Valentine’s? Should we do the accustomed dinner or steal two days of getaway heaven?”
Being in the wretched state I was, all I recall from his shocking reply is: “Are you serious? We are married now, Valentine’s happen each day, I don’t need something or someday to remind me of how much I love you. Plus, don’t you think this whole Valentine’s Day drama is silly, I mean where’s the specialness if I’m forced to celebrate my love for you on some day that has nothing to do with our special occasions?” I had to hide anywhere before the word vomit ate up what was left in my marriage. I took it all in as there was no space for me to grief, I had to swallow the sword and smile to the world!
Two weeks away from the Valentine’s I’ll never get to celebrate, one of married lady friends called me, all curious about our first Valentine’s as newlyweds! Of course I had to fake it, what else was I supposed to do? I repeated his words and worse supported his anti-Valentiener’s views!
My bitterness went away when I found her supporting his views and how, according to her, she envy me for not having to put up with the nerve-wracking dinner preparations and shopping for the non-existing perfect gift.
She really made me feel thousand times better and helped me realize that in the marital world such trivialities are not important. However, that same woman, called me screaming with pain to vent on how her loving husband totally forgetting about Valentine’s, came home EMPTY-HANDED!!

My final resurrection attempt
As grey hair started their colonizing mission, life got somehow slower, not easy but just slower. Major responsibilities were lifted off my shoulders and it was about time for me to enjoy what’s left of my irony-based world. Each year I hoped for my husband to surprise me with anything on my Day, but as I open the door with a big smile, I have to close it with a disappointed smile.
What’s wrong with me celebrating Valentine’s with the only man I’ve ever truly loved? Lots of people do, so why can’t I?! I don’t want to do it for the wrong reasons and I’m certainly not looking for the most romantic couples’ award. I know when I’m anti-Valentine and when I’m all for it. So, I decided to make it happen for me. As our kids headed out to celebrate their own Valentine’s, I planned the entire thing. I was looking for something simple, sweet and by all means romantic as hell. Hence, I set the scene, cooked the dinner, wore the right clothes, bought the perfect gift and waited for my husband. As soon as I heard his car horns calling for the doorman, I turned off the lights. I ran by the door and waited anxiously till he finds his keys and unlock the door. As soon as he opened the door, I screamed “Happy Valentine’s Day” He casually replied “Honey, what are you doing? We’re too old for this”!!

Monday, January 26, 2009

The deadly traits guaranteed to kill any relationship!

There’s no doubt in my mind that all people are capable of change. Giving the numerous ways of improvements and the endless second chances, I believe anything could be done.
But also considering that love’s blind, people tend to forgive anything regardless how painful it’s to get over a partner’s flaw, as long as it’s doable. To accept that and may be even aim for its improvement is nothing short of a heroic action. Yet there are some qualities- 3 to be specific- that one might think they can let go of but it is only time that can prove otherwise. And before you know it, you’ll be walking out of a relationship with a wound that of course will heal but is as well guaranteed to scar your future relationships.

For that I present to you the three deadly traits- in the unbiased way possible- that if found in any human being, you have to, absolutely have to break it off before it breaks you…

Deadly trait #1: Lying:
We can definitely all agree that relationships are all about trust, right? It’s just good sense, for how can you trust someone who’ve lied to you before?! Even if that special someone did apologize, promised and unconditionally crossed her/his heart to forevermore be honest. Deep down inside you’ll still be doubtful each time they open their mouths to speak. For you might think this is something that you can get over by time. Worse! You might start blaming yourself for not being able to forgive and forget!
The Lying I’m aiming at isn’t like “No, honey you look absolutely gorgeous in that dress” or “I’m ok with you spending more time with your friends, it gives me the space I need, Arghhhhhhhh!” Actually those are the essential white lies, but they’re the huge ones, the big relationship wreckers that you should and absolutely must worry about.
Thus, if you’re positive that your partner is a flat out liar, just walk away and never look back. All you have to do is picture a lifetime of happiness with someone who respects you enough to tell the truth or an endless suffering from a hopeless condition that will get you no where but straight to a mental institute. And the answer will pop itself automatically!

Deadly trait #2: Cheating:I’ll let you in a little story of someone I know. She, like many fresh graduates of her age, got engaged to a suitable suitor of whom she grew fond of rather quickly. Close to the wedding, the groom informed his future wife that he has to go on a business trip for only a week. Accordingly she packed all her emotions for just that day where she could show him how much he’ll be missed. She wrote every day and received his flaming letters with the cutest grin on her face while praying for him to come home safely for their fairytale to start. But fortunately for her, or so I see it, she saw him driving his car with some girl whom he was, let’s say, tickling! She got all confused, first she thought she had the wrong car, as he’s not expected back for another 3 days and he wrote back for God’s sake! But her first gift to him, a white teddy dangling for the rear-view mirror confirmed all her doubts. That guy was him, and it was clear to her that this thing that she once considered a relationship had to end.
Cheating is cutting for anyone, it’s such a slap on the face, especially if you’re giving your best and this is how you’re met. But it doesn’t matter if it’s a built-in trait or a new kicked in habit, it’s just not worth it. First, because this is the kind of condition where only small percentage makes it through but with the highest risk of relapse. Second, Do you think that living in a cynical cage for the rest of your life fun?! Just picture all the fuss about your sinking self-confidence and the invited fights. Picture each time you get introduced to a potential predator, or going away with friends. It’ll just too hectic and repulsive. For honestly, it’s preferable for people to be honest about their monogamy issues rather keeping it to their selves and for their partners to figure out later!

Deadly trait #3: SkimpingI’ve always assumed that the greatest pillar of love is sharing. And I consider the materialistic aspects of a relationship to be the most difficult. For this is when a person’s generosity is put to the test; especially in the most difficult time; when money is tight. Out of million considerations, it’s only reasonable to consider everything else offered in a relationship is free; the softening whispers, the overflowing feelings and the unconditional love for one another. But when it gets to outings and gifts that’s when you really get to know what your partner think of you with the unmistakable testimony where they prefer spending their last 5o pounds on you rather than keeping it to themselves. For those who have cheap partners, I’ve got two words for you, they’ll always be cheap and as if that’s not enough a skimping person is always selfish and materialistic. So unless you do something about it now, get ready for an enjoyable ride of some serious begging!

I normally don’t encourage people to break off a good relationship especially if they’re happy about it. But when it comes to those three, one always needs to find an exit door, preferably a fast short cut to it, for it’s not enough to leave; you have to do it fast!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

216 years later and it still is a man's world!

It’s been almost 216 years since calling for women’s rights happened, giving millions of women their voices back. Its cogent consequences left no one but to take notice of the magnificent changes women have embarked today. The simplest of which, that women have utterly evolved from bodily concerns to astounding mental capabilities that would – and no I'm not exaggerating- put any man to shame!

20 years in the making had me believing in women’s potentials, verbalized my ever so spoken refusal for ending up as another “desperate housewife” and translated my self-worth into irrefutable actions. Despite the fact that my futuristic aspirations are relentlessly changing, they all have one thing in common though, it’s that I don’t want to be held back for I need to explore my horizons, familiarize my capacities and achieve what I was meant to attain. But regardless of every career-oriented thought I've ever have, never have I once felt the superiority of men in anything. In fact, I consider the whole thing to be a balanced process to which men and women equally contribute, with no favors held or ranking records kept. For, this is how I see things, my brother gets to stay out as late as he wants, and I get bigger allowance, I get to have my girlfriends over for a dancing contest anytime while his friends’ visits are constantly restricted because “he has a sister”. Although there comes a time in every girl’s life when she wishes she was born a guy so as to enjoy all the privileges. But as tempting as that may sound, I’ve always had this pitiful feeling towards guys, for they are forced to take over a responsibility that is too heavy for one person to bear. While women simply work because they want to and raise their kids because they love to and not because they’re forcibly compelled to do so.

A quick run through my background was necessary for you to feel the irony in what I’m about to tell you…
Not so long ago, I was reluctantly staying in my car waiting for my friend to show up so we can make it to that meeting on time. But after 10 min of pure boredom, there was no sign of her, so I wrathfully called her for the millionth time to hurry things up, after all it’s only a meeting not an after party! On the other hand she being a total klutz lost her apartment keys and had to look for them in order for us to go which means more free time for me to kill! She lived in a well lit street, on top of a busy supermarket with sluggish but sometimes useful security guards. Thus there was no room for me to worry about anything especially that I’m used to locking myself in the car even before starting the engine. But ever since I hit that parking lights, I turned down the radio for I didn’t want to stir any focus and kept an eye on the side mirror to watch out for any “male predator” passing by the car.
See if it was anyone else but me, this probably would mean nothing, but that particular situation put me in a wrestle self-loathing state for days! I was personally astounded by my own fear for if it was of any indication, it’s that I’m a phony person, a hypocrite, someone who talks but doesn’t implement or rather calls for something that she dreads!
Why the overreaction? Because at the moment when I realized what I was doing, how I was panicking and counting the seconds till I can drive away, all I could think of was, God how weak am I?
I came to notice that I was busy fighting aged traditions and off beam beliefs only from the surface, I was crammed with achieving a certain image, a successful career woman who is independent and strong. But I couldn’t find that independency when I had doubts about myself and I definitely wasn’t strong enough when I was teetering at the sight of any “mustache” passing by. To be honest, I was beyond disappointed, for if I truly believed that men and women are equal, I could never have felt that way or even bothered to glimpse whoever is walking by, but it is all part of the frame, some reckless words that we just mumble out to discharge the residues of the male dominance era that up till that moment haven’t been fully eradicated.

Well, allow me these questions, is it enough for women to attend self-defense classes and carry around pepper sprays to feel safe? Is that the awaited salvation?
Which is more important, gaining our public rights where we’re entitled to exactly as any man is, or believing that we are not created to be dominated by men even on the emotional level?
When will our society understand that men are to provide security not intimidation and for women to stop being intimidated by men?And finally the same old question, on which basis can equality be defined, is it when a women feels she has all her rights handed down to her or is it when a man stops thinking of women as the weaker sex?! Because it seems that regardless of our social standards or academic achievements, we still have that si el sayed and Ameena plot planted tightly in our Egyptian roots.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Is it LOVE that you feel or ADDICTION?!

Back in the days when the twisted human nature was still a mystery waiting to be solved, relationships were accepted as another life necessity. Unaware of the 101 reasons why a person would want to be in one, people just chew over the utter joy and sorrow this partnership brings. And like any other union, you’ll get used to the negatives, as much as you’ll get pretty attached to the positives. Meaning that in time saying I love you will seem so small compared to what you feel inside, fighting the need to be with your love will soon be a battle always lost and the slip goes on till life turns colorless the moment they close their eyes…
Although, it’s uncommon for someone to fall in love without being addicted to his/her source of affection, the thin line between healthy love and sickening addiction is way too transparent for everyone to notice. And I believe that in the midst of our busy lives, while we’re seeking comfort in our lovers- which btw is very normal- some of us might confuse their need for their significant others for love when it’s actually nothing more of an addiction!
Alarming?! Keep reading then…
Despite the fact that being in a relationship is such a sought after blessing, still we can’t be in one for the wrong reasons. And it won’t be fair to define a relationship as an addiction without learning the difference between love and addiction.

So what is Love? Or better yet, what’s it like being in a loving relationship?
Well, as long as trust and mutuality defines the theme for your relationship, you might breathe lightly now that you’re a whole lot closer to “the dream”. To be able to trust your significant other and consider yourself trustworthy as well, simply makes life a lot easier. For each of you get to keep the old friends, continue with the different interests and actually find it fun to have some time alone. You know the typical precaution maneuver to keep him/her yours forever.

But of course there are more to the day-to-day acquaintances than this, at least there are the dreaded moments of vulnerability each us has to slip into once in a while.
And that’s the key sentence, once in a while, but what happens when this “occasional slip” turns into regularity?
I believe it’s time to talk about the “unhealthy form” of relationships and the story of how trust became extinct!
It’s a problem as old as time itself, one partner grows too attached and the other gets stuck having to put up with all the dependency issues that may come along.
How can that happen? Three ways:
1. If one of the two jumped into the relationship for all the wrong reasons like, off the top of my head to avoid loneliness, which is considered the mother of all that is wrong. Because it happens gradually as one turns all weak, pausing life just to be with the other, considering every fight to be the relationship slayer and eventually keeps bottling up inside whichever that is bothering him/her to avoid any potential conflict.
2. If one of the two confuses the word partner for slave! That’s when the possessive shrew comes to light, controlling every movement and hunting each breathe. Basically, it’s when one gets too involved in the others life that kills trust and abolishes equality.
3. If one tends to overlook the infamous5 telltale signs…
a. Difficulty in establishing trust
b. Questioning the need to solidarity
c. Having undefined wants and needs
d. Constantly denying problems and the need to speak his/her mind
e. Considering rebound relationships to be the only road to happiness

If you are willing to admit that either you or your partner is relationship addicts then it’ll be easy to treat it like any other compulsion. So, here goes some helpful steps for a happier you…

Step 1: After making peace with your problem, you’ll probably find it easy to understand that love is only a part of your life, small or big, that’s your call. Just know that it isn’t your whole life.
Step 2: Spend time working on your issues that have nothing to do with your partner. For example if it’s your self-esteem that is giving you a hard time trusting your partner, then start reflecting on your good qualities and improve whatever that leaves you feeling bad.
Step 3: To get over being in a relationship just to be in one, get to know more people only this time expect nothing in return.
Step 4: Like sobering up, you need to abstain from relationships and any resemblance to them.

One last thing that I’m sure lots of people can agree with;
True love is worth the wait…

Monday, January 12, 2009

Invading her territory (Understanding women= A happy life!)

Most single men when asked about the women that they want to fill the unbearable void in their lives; a welcoming delightful vision of the infamous Helen of Troy fantasy comes to mind. And then they start picturing an entire life by her side, lying on the beach, sharing romantic candle light dinners, growing old together and how easily resolved their fights will be as there’s nothing in this world that could get them despising a remarkable beauty as Helen of Troy, right?! But here’s where they are wrong, or more precisely delusional. For men only see the one dimensional version of the “flawless beauty”, they focus on the one moment when women show up with their made up faces and perfect figures and that’s definitely not the ultimate truth. I personally believe that it has become one of the world most dealt with knowledge that women are clingy, whiny and needy. And despite the popularity of that priceless piece of information, men keep on forgetting about it and seem to pretty much enjoy complaining about the same characteristics that had them falling head over heels for their women. How’s that even possible? It’s a story as old as time itself, where a man eyes a beautiful weak woman and instantly answers the call for his obligation to provide her with the protection and the affection she’s missed out along her torturous long life. There’s nothing a man can appreciate more other than being wanted and needed unconditionally by his beloved spouse. And consequently, there’s nothing more calming to any woman’s endless irrational fears than knowing that she has a powerful rock onto which she can lean or even hide behind when the going gets rough.
The provocative question that has to be imposed here is, if a man is well aware of women’s nature, why is he still looking for an exceptional woman who no matter how practical or self-composed she is will inevitably show her female side?
I’d be lying straight to your faces if I claimed my full comprehension to this contradicting but understandable confusion. But I can give you this, it’s the same case with women who keep on searching for the sensitive butch guy, all the while knowing that he’ll never be found; for boys will be always be boys!

So what gives? As in the open and shut case mentioned previously for the sake of picking on men’s brains, there’s another side of the story exclusively designed to fit a woman’s brain. But first let’s have some prep talk to get you all ready for the next shocking verity. If you (talking to men here) screwed something up and thought of the perfect distraction to get your woman to forgive your childish act, think again. If you (again talking to men) think that temporary ending your fights would give her the chance to focus on something else, once more, you better think again! Okay that’s enough anticipation, now it’s time to reveal the lucid truth…

The open and shut case for women (aka her territory)
Last time we’ve covered enough ground regarding the “men think in a sequential way” notion but it’s in “the spiral way” women think with which creates more than it actually satisfies the blasting bewilderment. Considering multitasking to be the only good aspect of it, as it’s a very tiring process that consumes a lot of a woman’s energy to clear her head up. And sometimes it’s actually easier to be mentally occupied with one thing rather than a million hammering thoughts thrusting through one’s brain. To help you grasp the full picture, let’s go back to that mental apartment we portrayed last time but with slight changes. For example, men had sex to be the first thing on their minds but for women the “master room” would have to be a personal one, reflecting on their emotions. Then come family, friends, work and shopping in an order that varies according to a woman’s personality and goals in life. Now the vast difference lay in the moving pattern from one room to the next, unlike men, women don’t close any doors behind thus she can move freely from one room to the next whenever and as much as she likes. In other words, a woman could be facing a business crisis while thinking about her man and not only that but she would actually take 5 min off her busy schedule just to hear him say: “I missed you too”!
And so it’s very difficult for a woman to let go or replace one thought with another just to unwind for a bit. Now here’s the good news, considering the emotional nature which is like the most precious possession any woman cherishes, women constantly and I mean constantly think about their men. And the bad news is that they constantly think about anything related to their men, whether it’s the sweet phone call they’ve just shared or the worst fight they’ve ever had!
The reason I wanted to share this with you, especially men, is because you have to stop searching for a different kind of woman for she doesn’t exist. And since this isn’t a trait women can get over, one can say it’s in their genes, you have to start dealing with it as a solid reality. And you know what; once you try it you’re going to love it. Not only that you’ll feel good putting a smile on your beloved face but the pampery reward you’re definitely going to get will be worth every trouble along the way. For when have I ever let you down?!
And since we’ve established that mutual trust, try memorizing those facts about women every man should know by heart and watch your love life grow tremendously passionate by the minute…

1. Women are conversation oriented; they always prefer to discuss their problems even if a quick solution is at hand.

2. Women are continuously insecure about their image, telling her she looks great won’t do the work but that doesn’t mean you need to tell her the truth!

3. Women are in constant need for affection and reassurance of a man’s loyalty and eternal love regardless of how long they’ve been together.

4. The easiest way to a woman’s heart is through her ears; whisper the softest words and you’ve earned an unlimited pass to her heart, mind and soul

5. Women enjoy being emotional as they actually seek the extra care and attention that’s poured on them by their men when a single tear roll down their face.

6. When a women say that a man’s looks doesn’t matter, just know that deep down inside she’s intensely praying for a Brad Pitt look alike.

7. Most women hate to lead, but want their identities preserved, only few women want full independency and those are the exceptional distinctive women to look for.

Live to Love is the code every woman live by and to be honest, I couldn’t think of a better way to help you men understand what love feels like for a woman than Judy Garland quote that read “For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Inside the Men's Maze

Forevermore, it has been a mutual apprehension that both men and women see each other as enigmatic creatures who never fail to drive the other up the wall trying to cope with the loathed yet desired disparities. But it’s no secret that men and women are wired differently, thus it’s the meticulous understanding of how each gender is wired that will help decode their secret languages. Deciding to start with the male side first was never a happily paraded choice, for you wouldn’t believe the numerous articles and research papers conducted on understanding women and the diminutive, barely noticed “notes” written about men! I’ve always known women to be the talkative gender, but always assumed that men are the self-absorbed snobs who only care about their needs and wants. Never in a million years would I’ve expected that men could be considered a minority compared to women, don’t get me wrong, I’m proud, but come on I had to go to page 10 to find a decent research about men!!
So out of deep concern for us women and for the men who might not know why they act or react the way they do, let’s pick on their brains first…

There are usually three things that all women regardless their age, social standards or even relationship statuses complain about when it comes to their men. One: they always seem to overlook our existence when at work or hanging out with friends, two: the way they react to our concerns is so nonchalant that it hints the triviality of our thoughts and three: there never is a “perfect timing” for us to talk.

I know I’m not supposed to take sides here, but sometimes I can’t just ignore my feminine temperament nor the fact that I’m in a relationship myself. Except that this is all confusing and may be even impressive, for how can a man one day says that he wants to spend his entire life by his woman’s side when the minute he walks into his office, he literally forgets all about her! Do you see my point now? It’s because of these actions, women vibes the instability of their relationships and since our hands are never tied, it’s only inevitable for us to fight for the survival of “us” with all the artilleries we can master.
A lot can provide a simple answer for this quandary by saying that men are task-oriented, and it’s true. But it’s just never enough, I mean, ever since we’ve learnt how to spell the word relationship, it has been sort of a given that men are the butch ones who’re main concern is business while women are the emotional malleable gender who’re always on the search for love. Which is very applicable, giving nature norms, but it goes further than this, much deeper than sentiment or passion. For it is no longer acceptable to say this is how men have always been, they have always been that way for a reason and you’re about to find out why…
The open and shut case:

Almost two years ago, I came across a phrase that read “Men think in a sequential way while women think in a spiral way”. I wasn’t all that surprised by that spiral notion as it’s almost a fact that women excel when it comes to multitasking, something we’ve been bantering men over for years. But it’s definitely that sequential arrangement that got me into thinking, for it was the awaited salvation every woman needed to find her way through the men’s maze. Grasping the concept of men’s way of thinking is easily accomplished by picturing the things that usually cram their minds as an apartment divided up into rooms. Of course there can be thousands of rooms there, but let’s only focus on the common details. Usually there are 4 things that’s always on a man’s mind; sex, friends, home (denoting the wife and kids) and work. On any given day, a man wakes up in the morning to go to work but before he does that, he has to close the home “room” for him to open the work “room”. Meaning that a man is capable of giving his full attention to only one thing at a time, he can never be in two places. That explains a lot right? That’s why he barely calls when at work or with friends, it’s because his mind is mainly set on one thing and it’s only when a man’s comfortable that he can think of many things at the same time. Thus choosing the “perfect timing” to talk about whichever is never when he’s watching TV or with friends, because he won’t give you his full attention then, he has to be mentally out of those rooms to enter yours.
And sometimes he can be physically in one place when his mind is elsewhere, like struggling with a work-related problem, that’s why I chose the word “mentally” as this is what matters the most.

So now you know the secret and probably figured out why men seem all that confused when we accuse them of forgetting all about us.
It’s just how their brains work, more organized and in sequence than ours. Now all what’s left for me to do is provide you with how do women think, but since it’s a lo-oooo-ng story, let’s save it for next time. Now, I’ll leave you with
Facts about men any women should know:
- Men prefer to keep their problems to themselves and think about them for a while.
- A man would want to come up with something concrete to say or a specific solution for a problem rather than just discussing several options with women.
- The average male is far less verbal than the average female.
- Roughly 60% of all men are of the T-Type “thinkers”
- Many men feel like they are expected to lead. When others don't follow, men can feel like failures
- Many men prefer to work individually rather than as a team
- Some men appear to be especially critical or to enjoy conflict

Sunday, January 4, 2009

How much do you know about your partner's needs? Part 2

Both men and women walk into a relationship searching for the same things, for the love, the support and the warmth.
Yet, ironically, each finds it difficult to deliver those needs to the other! Assuming of course that both parties are mentally stable, they happen to love each other and want for that relationship to go on forever- or so it seems for now! I think it’s the misconceptions we’ve all been spooned our entire lives concerning relationships and the opposite sex ; for example I’ve grown to believe- as most of us- that men are selfish and women are needy!
So, out of concern, I conducted a two questions survey:
A. What do You want from a relationship?
B. What do YOU THINK YOUR PARTNER wants/ would want from the relationship?
The answers to which proved that both sexes want the same 8 basic characters and know their partners want them as well. So, why are we fighting? Let’s see…

5. Regarding Commitment & Fidelity:
Men, want commitment as much as women, it’s just a matter of assurance, men take longer time to make sure that they chose the right woman and probably some more time to get over their commitment issues! Other than that, they want the same stability, the home and the comfort zone. And when it comes to infidelity, it’s a deal-breaker to men exactly as it’s to women, with no exceptions or excuses…
Every woman wants the commitment, the stability, knowing that she has a man – one man- whom she can cherish and love…
Men know women want commitment, it’s sort of a given that even though women also experience cold feet but it’s much less intense. Actually most women can’t wait to commit, they’re known as commitment freaks!
But it’s the part where men think women prefer to commit to a player is where they’re wrong, for women who want relationships never want players. Sure, they’d feel special if a player chose them over all other women but instead of that little voice inside warning that a man might be cheating, they’ll be left with load siren’s screams driving them to insanity!
Women think men suffer commitment allergies, that they’d only commit on physical levels and whenever they find a more attractive “female” they’d drool all over her and leave!
It turned to a common belief that men can’t be trusted to be faithful, they’d run whenever things get just a little bit tough and they don’t seem to handle the whole relationship moving forward requirements that well!

6. Regarding Support:
Men want to accomplish things WITH NO HELP WHAT SO EVER from others. Sure they’d want women to ask if they need it to which they’ll usually reply with a no but preferably to end at that instead of being forced to receive help they never wanted in the first place.
Women want is to have the support they need without having to ask for it… yes we would!
Men think women want NO SUPPORT, believing in the saying “treat people the way you want to be treated” thus out of not wanting to sound too pushy, as long as women don’t ask for it, men won’t volunteer to do it!
One thing you have to know is that the more women love, the more they offer support thus support is a sign of love. That’s why women tend to feel disappointed when men don’t offer that.
Women think men want incredible support! That’s enough said, just gracefully move to the next point!

7. Regarding Sharing & Compromise:
Men want someone with whom they can share the good and the bad, that’s one of the lead reasons why they get into a relationship in the first place. They want the company and the warmth and when it comes to compromise, they actually like to have things done differently once in a while as long as it goes with their beliefs. In fact, having women do things their way occasionally, saves them a couple of fights with the streaming lecture, why do we always have to do things your way?! . Seriously why?!
What women want is for men to stop thinking of them as superwomen who can get everything done PERFECTLY in a heart beat; that it’ll be actually nice if they’d act like gentlemen and offer some assistance without having to ask for it ourselves.
To tell you the truth about us compromising easier, it’s not about being angels but it’s actually the fastest way to get you men to stop nagging!
Men think women want sharing when it comes to emotional, non tasks-related matters, otherwise they’ll be messing up the system for they never meet their partners’ expectations. And knowing that women are more emotional and happen to be more of kind-hearted creatures, thus it’d be easy to convince them to compromise; more like to push over –huh!!!!!!!!!
Women think men don’t want to share anything; they’re so cheap when it comes to words or duties for that matter. Worse, they want things done whenever and however they want them done, no compromise, no negotiation. It’s like I say it, you do it!

8. Regarding Appreciation & Acknowledgment:
Men want more praise to what they’re doing correctly and more acknowledgements that they happen to be good men whom efforts are appreciated…
Also, Women want their efforts to be appreciated, even when she calls to make sure you got home alright, she’d feel a lot better if you’d say thank you, instead of ignoring her calls! Because, take my words on this, there’s nothing that could dry a relationship up as under appreciation…
Men think women want Appreciation… that’s funny because it almost looks like they don’t know women want that!
Women think men don’t need their praise or acknowledgment, they don’t value their opinions either as men are always right!!

Having known all this wouldn’t it be easier if we could read each others minds and hear each others thoughts?
Yet again if we weren’t so different we wouldn’t have been magnetized. It’s in our differences where the magic begins and in our similarities where it subsides…

Friday, January 2, 2009

How much do you know about your partner's needs? Part 1

Both men and women walk into a relationship searching for the same things, for the love, the support and the warmth.
Yet, ironically, each finds it difficult to deliver those needs to the other! Assuming of course that both parties are mentally stable, they happen to love each other and want for that relationship to go on forever- or so it seems for now! I think it’s the misconceptions we’ve all been spooned our entire lives concerning relationships and the opposite sex ; for example I’ve grown to believe- as most of us- that men are selfish and women are needy!
So, out of concern, I conducted a two questions survey:
A. What do You want from a relationship?
B. What do YOU THINK YOUR PARTNER wants/ would want from the relationship?
The answers to which proved that both sexes want the same 8 basic characters and know their partners want them as well. So, why are we fighting? Let’s see…

1. Regarding Love & Affection:Men Want a woman whom they can spoil; literally pour all their love and attention over. A woman who can satisfy every female role he’d ever want in his life whether a best friend, a lover, a co-worker or even a mother. So believe it or not men are romantic, they love candle light dinners and that feeling where they bring happiness to someone else. Call it a self- satisfactory mechanism but men aren’t that selfish after all!
Women want to feel loved and special, to feel that someone loves everything about her and most importantly constantly- I repeat constantly- deliver the message that she’s the priority. Thus if her number one need is neglected or if the message doesn’t get through, that would cause a big strain in the relationship that might never heal!

Men think Women Want to feel loved as well, but most men live by this code “If you aren’t asking for more, then I’m doing my job right” It’s true, since men know women to be this annoyingly demanding creatures that if a tiny portion of their need is missing they’d turn men’s lives into a living hell, till it’s just the way they want it to be!!
Women think men want to be loved more than they want to offer love; that they find it more enjoyable down at the receiving end of the rope to the extent of demanding the “si el sayed” kind of affection where if they’re gone women just stop living till they decide to mount off their high horse and return to save lives!!

2. Regarding Communication:Men want honest-based communications, where a woman would answer questions clearly, with no hidden messages for they don’t want to read anybody’s mind or spend days trying to understand signals when it could take a minute if only their partners would be clear about it. So the bottom line is men prefer straight forward conversations as long as the woman’s smart enough to know when and how…
Women want their words to be heard, a man who is a good listener is like a rare diamond. Because most of the times they don’t need a solution, they only want to speak their minds and when they want one they’ll ask for it, only then one might start praying for men to find an appropriate solution, instead of “inshallah 5er”!

Men think women want them to solve whatever problem they’re complaining about, that by telling them about their feelings, certain things are expected among which men are supposed to make the source of irritation go away.
Women think men want them to be superficial, keep quiet when it comes to their needs and wants, preferably deal with them on their own because otherwise they’ll be abandoned! And because women believe that men want no conversation what so ever, they use manipulation, thinking it’s the only way to be heard without driving her man away.

3. Regarding Security:Shockingly after conducting the survey I found that not even a single man referred to security as a relationship-must. I don’t know if that has to do with pride but I do believe that emotional security greatly affects the commitment and stability every man desires. For how can anyone find that peace of mind if you’re not sure your partner would stick forever?!
And women exactly want that, it’s their only companion during the hard times, knowing that their men still love them despite of their conflicts…

Men think younger women tend to want physical security while older women search for financial security but it doesn’t navigate the emotional security every woman regardless of her age needs.
Women think men want constant reassurance that they’ll always be there for them, in fact most women believe that security lies in men knowing that their partners are waiting for them and that they’ll never leave no matter what.

4. Regarding Independency & Space:All what men want is to be wanted and needed by their partners- sometimes they over do it but overall they don’t want a push over woman who “makan mat7otaha tla2eha” they want someone with a separate identity, to be “partially” independent, having her own friends and interests to find something to talk/ fight about!
Oh and they demand space, but that’s sort of a given, right?!
What women want is for men to be less controlling, to have faith in their abilities to fix whatever is wrong themselves and this actually motivates women to run that extra mile to meet up with their men’s expectations. It’s every woman’s dream to find someone who could help her grow and develop not hold down or push back!

Men think women constantly need their help with fixing whatever mess they’ve caused. That they’re such weak creatures who can’t do things on their own!
Women think men want Obedience, which is also a common belief and to be honest sometimes it is the truth! As there are those who love having the upper hand; keeps on dominating till deleting a woman’s identity. But the good part is that they regret it later when they find themselves living with a totally dependant, whinny, and needy 8 year old baby girl!

To Be Continued,