In one of my many, many, moments of desperation and the rumbles of me failing as a mother - the fact that I was not able to potty train my boy in two weeks and the fact that it has been three months since I have started... I had a thought...
What if I was magically turned into someone else?
Someone who did not get married as young as I did; someone who do not have the responsibilities that I shoulder. What if my life was only about work, success and more success?
The mere thought of a new life and a new me flattered my ego and had blood pumping through my veins. Could it be that I am not happy? Or is it just another attempt at satisfaction?
The role that I play daily, being a loving wife and a warm mother who rarely show discontent... It is just NOT WORKING! I am either faking a smile or cutting my demons loose. I find it boring... Not my style; and I feel guilty!
I want nothing but the best for my almost three year old son when all I am giving him is orders, screams, and the occasional " you're a naughty boy!"
I love my man to death, he is the love of my life, yet I manage somehow to always, I mean always, point out his flaws.
I have been going through this over and over in my head, for two years now and I realized... I AM NOT HAPPY
It is not that my son is "naughty" all kids are, it is not that my husband is flawed, I can write pages about my identity crisis, it is me... And that is something very hard for a Leo to admit. I do not need a different life... I need better time-management skills!
I need to get angry, or better yet re-focus my anger towards myself, rather than spraying it out on everyone else!
I see people, all around me, making it work for themselves... Succeeding in whatever they want to do, even if it was about making a casserole!
So, I am putting my anger out there, for the world to read...
I am angry... At me... And not someone else...