Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Have you met my 24 faces? (He Said She Said magazine- Dec'08)

To whom it may concern,
I admit I fell for the same trap once again; I fell weak to my knees and gave into my irrational heart desires.
Why do people cheat? Why are they always too blind to see? Why can't they enjoy what God bestowed upon them? Why are they hunting what others have? Why do they perceive their misery as the end of the world? And why do they assume their partners are happy? Is it all a matter of ego that makes it impossible for a man to imagine being the faulty one and it's out of question that his woman is happy?!

Selfish… he's just too selfish. He was selfish when he decided to cheat on his wife, and is selfish now to ask me to embark on this affair. Can't he see that like him, I'm not happy? That a part of me wanted this relationship just as much? I'm lonely, bored, desperate and yearning for a partner. Someone who is kind enough to donate two hours of his time. Two hours only to share my happiness, joy sadness and stress- someone to help me find a convincing reason to wake up in the morning. Someone to bring my heart beats to life; someone who can make this bitter taste go away.

You know what I really need? I need adventure, I need I need excitement, I need fun, I need compassion, I need intimacy and I need love…

I met him three months ago, at a time when life was nothing more than a rotten fruit, getting darker and filthier by the hour. I saw him this handsome man, with a sexy grin, snobbish attitude and an irresistible scent that still runs through my nose every time I recall that day. He came into my office to see my boss; his long time best friend. Every time he came, we talked a little bit more, and the more we talked, the more I learnt about his sufferings with his wife; the more I sympathized with him, the more I thought about him…

I thought of his wife and how stupid she must be to let go of such a remarkable man. I thought of him as a devoted father, who swallowed all troubles for the sake of his children. I thought of his strong arms. Those arms, his arms, I have dreams about them. I've always wanted a man with a muscular arms to hold me when I'm weak, to protect me when I'm scared, to lift me up when I'm too lazy to walk and to comfort me when I need compassion. It's almost magic when this tough, undefeatable frontier melts with a woman's touch, his woman's touch and I was turning into "his woman."

I talked, shared, vented and fell in love, yet I couldn't help but wonder what was I doing differently? Why did he find my craziness appealing but hers intolerable? Why did he enjoy spending six hours with me while dreading half an hour with her? Why did he find it pleasurable to buy me gifts but thought she was all about the money? Why did he relate to me at times when he couldn't feel where she's coming from?
She, his wife, his one-time soul mate, the mother of his children, the one who stood by him through thick and thin, the woman he has known for 12 years is unbearable?! And I, his friend's office manager, the girl he spoke with 30 minutes every week, the girl who told him only delicious facts to keep him coming for more, is his favorite?

Has he met my 24 hour faces?! Did he see me rolling and grumbling out of bed? Did he witness one of my panic attacks? Did he feel my selfishness, greediness and envy? No, all he's seen is a vibrant younger woman, always looking gorgeous like she just stepped out of a poster, always smiling, listening and acting pretentious! He fell in love with the-first-three-months-of-every-relationship version of me. But I bet that when he spends 12 years by my side he'll contact the ugly side. If I spent 12 years by his side I might as well refuse to chew that fat!

He never met me, with my 24 hour faces on; instead he captured the dream, the rush and the excitement of every new thing. He wanted an affair, a short-term relationship where happiness never dies, where lust never fails and where blindness prevails. I'm glad he only got the chance to meet the fun, sexy, crazy, wrong version of me. But if he ever decides we get married, I won't be able to pretend nor act anymore, because he'll be there every minute of every day to witness the ups and downs of my life and the faces that come along with it. Only then he'll realize that I'm no different from his wife. I'm just another human being with 24 hour faces; he just didn't wait around to see…

Sincerely yours,

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Lobna its amazing and i just love it its really great and very true amazing work keep it up