Saturday, August 15, 2009

How to spot the right reasons for getting married?! (He Said She Said May '09)

The ordeal of overlooking blindness

Any writer would probably tell you that the hardest part of conducting an article resides in choosing the right first word. Fortunately for me, there’s no need to fret over words choices this time. Because the topic is that important and pretty much self-explanatory, how to know if you’re getting married for the right reasons and how to decide to get married for the right reasons?!
Since I’m getting married, probably while you’re reading this, I’m in no position to preach or give royal instructions. I’m right there in your shoes, I’ve had my doubts as well as he, and I went over all the possible reasons why I should take this very serious step. That’s why I promise to deliver rational reasons for getting married which have been tested on yours truly and the people I come across everyday…

There are two scenarios when it comes marriage; either you fall in love voluntarily or you get acquainted the formal way. In both situations you must at least like the person, in other words, you’ve sensed the promising potentials for a healthy relationship. Apart from the reasons, there’s a horrific mistake, I’ve witnessed people making and I saw their marriages crumble to the ground; change! Regardless of the level of intimacy both of you share, when ingoing a relationship with high hopes to change whatever it is you hate about your partner, you’re always hit with the fact that PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE! It’s either you accept their dents or leave them be, don’t torture yourself with the impossible mission to change them and don’t torment them with your endless comments and directions.

Marriage scenario#1: The Love.
One month after I met him, he proposed! Honestly, I took it as a joke and forgot all about it. But he persisted. I was flattered. I fell for him more and gave in. Of course that was 5 years ago, I didn't know what I know now, neither did he. I didn't know that the firsts of every relationship are tricky. For we stand in the attraction phase, too occupied by the racing heartbeats, sleepless nights and the unstoppable euphoric sensation. This is where love is literally blind and unwilling to pickup on any warning vibes. And this also where no commitment promises should be made. I consider myself lucky, not smart, because I literally ran across the right guy without pausing to review my reasons. In the grown-up world, as attraction pull couples closer they get to talk, learn about each other, pass through the worst and the best of times, and if the attraction is still going strong, they move on to the next phase; commitment. But in the earliest heat of the moment, any decision taken is irrational as it all comes down to hormones, desires and chemistry.

Marriage scenario#2: The Set-up
Exactly 6 months before the wedding, i.e. 6 months ago, I realized that there're things I didn't know about my man of 5 years! And yes, I blame the damn attraction phase and the wedding preparations that had my head spinning. So, let's say you got introduced to someone nice and there were sparks. Two days later, you got introduced to another nice someone and there were sparks also. You like them both, you see the potential for success and you have to choose; then you need the pros and cons list to fairly decide. And to decide, you need the answers for the following questions:
- Why do you want to get married? (to have a family, to have sex, to find security, to be more socially acceptable, etc…)
- Would you rather have a housewife or a working woman?
- How successful do you want to be?
- When do you want to have kids?
- How many kids do you want to have?
- Regarding friends, do you mind having friends of the opposite sex?
- Do you believe in such thing as privacy in relationships?
- What are your interests and hobbies?
- Do you want me to share your interests and hobbies?
- How close are you to your family?
- How involved do you want our families to be?
- When angry, do you like to talk about it right away or hide in your cave?
- Are you looking for a traditional marriage?
- On the emotional level, are you verbal or action-oriented?
- What do you expect from your partner?

Those are just headlines to get your juices flowing, however by all means, never ask these questions as is, put them in context, especially when dealing with men. They hate interrogations. Just keep in mind that there are no wrong reasons when doing something as sacred as marriage. BUT, there are wrong people, wrong timing and wrong conditions.


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