Sunday, October 25, 2009

Set your standards straight before it's TOO LATE (Euphoria Oct'09)

Among the strong comeback of arranged marriages and the endless search for the perfect soul mate, almost everyone manages to fall for the wrong ones and for the wrong reasons.
"How can I tell if he/she is right for me?" has become the mystery of all that is mysterious, especially if we only aim is momentary happiness. While all we need is to think about our needs, measure the demands of our partners, open our minds to different opinions and have the courage to discuss the following topics…

Why are you proposing? And why am I listening to you?There's such thing as the concept of marriage which you either approve of or despise. If you despise it, then why bother looking! But if you approve, you need to go over the concept yourself one last time before questioning your future partner's. So, why do you want to get married? Is it love? Companionship? Kids? Security? Financial security? Social status? Independence? Or seeking a normal environment for your kids?!
Whatever your reasons may be, don't be ashamed of them as there's no wrong reason for marriage. But there are incompatible reasons, for instance, if you're getting married because you want children, but he hates the idea of having kids. Then this relationship is doomed. Yet, don't go bragging about your reasons either, especially if they tend to scare people away or send them the wrong message. Like if you're aiming money, or certain social status. Keep them to yourself till you hear his/her reasons first or at least till you grasp what kind of a person he/she is.

What do wife and husband mean to you?Lots of couples tend to clash over this specific point, although it makes a hot subject for a struggling TV show! However, because each of us has his/her different theory regarding the duties of wives and husbands, life can get pretty difficult in terms of understanding and appreciating. But regardless of how the world view your duties as a wife or a husband, what are you willing to do and offer? As a husband, would you mind babysitting the kids as your wife have a girls' night out? As a wife, are you willing to clean up after your husband's mess? "How far can you go" should be the question. How do you view your part and how does your partner view his? Are you a traditional, more like very classical person, or can you accept changes?! This subject is crucial for you guys to discuss and set straight once and for all.

Expecting much?
Expectations go on the other side of the previous question. Because it's not only enough to know your role in marital life, it's equally important to think and talk about your expectations. Actually, no, I change my mind, this subject is way more important.
You need to know what your partner expects from you in all different aspects and you should be honest about yours too, even if they sound too demanding. Put them out there and start discussing. It's better than being hit in the face by the fact that your man is very traditional and expecting you to sweep the floors yourself!

What about my career?This is the first question I asked my partner and the first question ever woman should ask hers. Even if you're not a career- oriented woman who values being a wife and a mum, does your man want this? Or would he rather go for a working woman? Because, unlike what we've been told, men don't always prefer housewives and it's needless to say that in that case he's free to go. Nevertheless, if your potential guy doesn't have a problem with you working nor your working conditions, still you need to think things through with yourself first. Are you working to pass free time, or do you dream of a high profile career? Would you take a break to look after the kids? Would you settle for a less demanding job, if you can't cope? According to your answers to the above questions, both of you would be able to portray a much life-like image for your future, when to have kids? Do you need to hire help? The financial responsibilities? So, you need another reason to talk. And be very clear with him regarding your plan as to not be surprised by the common action of "you're my wife now and I demand you to stay at home!"

Do you believe privacy goes with commitment?
Some men work hard to keep their women away from their business world. May be they want for a single part in their lives to remain single, may be it's a manly concept, their secret bank accounts or they know flat out that their wives won't bless their work ethics. Therefore, they prefer privacy. And sometimes it goes beyond practicality to friendships and social calendars, to demanding some alone time like a weekend with friends or private gatherings at some club. Distance is beneficial and often mandatory to keep romance alive, but are you all for a mysterious partner? Or would you prefer him to be involving, honest, including you in almost every activity in his life? Can you stand being around him all the time? Can he stand being with you day and night without loosing the passion? But remember, if he's mysterious before marriage; don't expect him to be any different afterwards. If you cherish your alone time, don't you dare think you'd appreciate his none stop company.

Kids; how many? When? How to raise them?Kids can secretly cause an unfixable crack between couples when one of them is not being honest with his/her plans. You may be thinking it's too soon to talk babies, but it's not, especially that it can reveal so much about yourself and your partner that you may be reluctant to talk about. Such as both of your religious status, what are your limits and no-no's? What are the things you don't like about yourselves and upbringings that you'd like to avoid when raising your kids? Do you have a financial plan to support the children? Simply because the kids issue comes as a sort of a given for some people, especially women, while forgetting all about their men who may want to wait for some reason that's important to them.

What're your future plans?
It comes as a shocker to many that there're people with no ambitions, who seek a standard job with a standard salary and a standard way of life. Those people may find their match but after a series of failed attempts, as ambition happens to be a forgettable quality, people assume it comes with every human gene. So, after they neglect talking about it, one gets amazed by the fact that his/her partner is either too ambitious or effortlessly settling for less. Business plans is another subject worth talking about, as it will automatically defines your spending limits, savings, if the idea exists in the first place, when to have kids and the most controversial topic of working abroad.

Blow off technique?Or better yet, how to deal with each other?! Especially when things get a little rough, because during happy, relaxing fun times, couples may reach their peak of understanding and joy but when the crap hits the fan, it's very difficult and confusing knowing what exactly that you should do or avoid doing! Thus, enjoy an evening of angry stories, tips on how to cool off your potential partner anger and let him/her learn a thing or two about your dark side before you crash for good…


مى said...

Marriage is too complicated. There's always expectations and standards that are rarely met. It's quite sad. I love your post though, keep 'em coming :)


I agree... It's still an equation everyone is trying to solve... Thank you so much

كريم said...

Anonymous said...

What very good question

Anonymous said...

What do you wish to tell it?