Saturday, March 27, 2010

Are you insecure or that desperate?

(Published in He Said She Said Magazine, February 2010 issue)

I’ve done it before; I allowed my insecurities to take control over my life. I played it too safe, too careful as not to cross any line. I followed the herd to avoid being the outsider. I was too afraid to be alone, to be rejected and run down. I was underestimated by me. I was taken for granted by me. And I allowed others to do me the same honor. I faked and pretended. I silenced my fears only to discover that actions do speak louder than words and that like everyone else I, too, was insecure…

What is insecurity?Insecurity is the lack of trust in oneself and in people in general. Period

Why insecurity happens?
1. Fear:
a. Fear of commitment:
You’re afraid to be caged with the same person for the rest of your life, afraid to lose your freedom, to lose interest and passion to live. You think of commitment as a legitimate form of slavery, the only difference is that you- willingly- allow someone to control your dreams and soul.
b. Fear of intimacy:
While you may find nothing scary about commitment, about being with the same person for God knows how long, yet it’s the idea of opening up to someone that’s scary. You find it hard and threatening to share intimate details about your life, communicate your feelings and allow someone to know you inside out.
c. Fear of rejection:
“Our human nature makes us strive to show our best qualities because we’re always searching for love and approval”- Paolo Coelho
So you keep on faking, adopting views that aren’t your own, living the lifestyle you despise and all for the sake of approval. You’re afraid to show your true self because you’re not sure it fits the social code.
d. Fear of losing identity:
If ever anyone came close to changing you, you throw tantrums. If you ever got influenced, you get irritated. You’re living inside a protective bubble, trying to preserve your goals and personality. You become aggressive in defense of not being someone’s follower.
2. Low self-esteem:
When you’re not satisfied with the way you look, act and talk, it’s very much expected to feel that the whole world is ready to pick on you. When you have a weight problem that’s causing you to feel so little and incompetent, you get intimidated easily and prefer to avoid people. When you feel you’re not good enough, smart enough, interesting enough, you get this strong vibe that people will look down at you and that’s making you deeply insecure.
3. Doubt:
You’re living in the endless doubt that everyone is cheating on you, laughing behind your back, sharing your secrets and ready to jump up and leave you any minute.
4. Instability:
Whether you brought this on yourself or have been forced to go through instability, the end result is the same. You worry that money could run out or may never come, that you’ll lose your job again and live in debt or that you’re not getting enough security in your relationship because your partner is always full of threats and the chances are you may once more be left alone.
5. Past experiences:
You may have gone through stuff before that’s causing your insecurities. You may have lived through them with flawed parents. And you may have witnessed the hardships your friends had to go through. Wherever you’ve acquired your past experiences that are causing you to feel insecure, they sure have affected you intensely.

Are you insecure?
- Do you interpret your partner’s actions and words in a negative way as if they want nothing more but to hurt and insult you?
- When things go wrong in your relationships or work, do you tend to look for someone else blame?
- Are you constantly worried that your partner is lying to you or even cheating?
- Do you snoop around trying to prove that he/she’s cheating?
- Are you tormented with jealousy?
- Are you to trying to control your partner?
- Do you stick to your partner like a baby to his mother?
- Are you afraid that he/she will leave?
- Do you live in a constant state of paranoia and doubt that you have to interrogate everyone to make sure they’re telling you the truth?
- Are you always in need for someone to help you make decisions or better yet make them for you?
- Do you get sensitive towards certain topics like your weight, love life and career?
- Do you underestimate yourself and your capabilities that you always settle for less?
- Do you need attention to feel good about yourself?
- Do you need to be with someone to feel complete?
- Do you personalize everything?
If you answer yes to most of these questions, then you are insecure. You need to mark the questions you’ve agreed with, categorize what is it that you feel insecure about and go back to why insecurity happens to find your blind spot.

Fix?1. If your insecurities have to do with the way your partner treats you then for the love of God share them before they turn into a problem, strangle your relationship and leave you living with unresolved issues.
2. If your insecurities are a result of the way you see yourself in the mirror, try to work on that with yourself first. Look around you and you’ll see far worse people, be satisfied with yourself first and aim for improvement.
3. Tip 1: Work on boosting your self-esteem by doing volunteer work, helping people and surrounding yourself with positive inspiring people.
4. Tip 2: Work on your communication skills; learn how to communicate your feelings so as to be able to speak up when something is bothering you or not working for you anymore.
5. If you’re between relationships and know that your insecurities are because of you, take time to work on them first, to really focus on setting your self-image straight before embarking on another relationship.
6. Even if you talk your insecurities with others, seek out help to forever delete them, remember that insecurities come from within. Whether you’ve acquired them or created them, no one can fix them for you, they have to be fixed inside out.

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