Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Stages of love & relationship 2, Why problems happen in your relationship? (Euphoria Dec'09)

Beginnings are said to be invigorating, filled with undefeated wills, invincible determinations and endless unexplainable joys. Then doubts arise, questioning those wills and determinations, and shattering joys into million pieces until they lose configuration. But with a little more faith and assurance, we go back to invigorations and love finds its proper way back.
So, currently you're going on exclusively steady, with no more supplementary dates because you don't need to see other options. Now you're sure you've met the one. Yet, as smooth as you wished things would continue to go, problems blossomed out of nowhere. You are confused. Did I choose wrong? Did my partner change? Have I changed? Why are we suddenly having all those problems?!
You know how people say time is capable of solving the mother of mysteries. And how mysteries signify all that is dark, can't be clearly spotted and hard to interpret?
Time is where you as a couple stand, right in the middle of commitment. And the mysteries that are being disclosed are both the human nature of you and your partner.
What happens is as you move deeply further into the relationship, both of you start to open up, talk and act completely free. There are no restrictions, no topic off the table, you no longer only share the good sides rather you share everything. Thus, problems arise as you discover each other's essences, morals and viewpoints. So, the fact that two different people are merging together alone is enough for anyone to have momentary clashes.
Other things that can cause problems between the two of you have much to do with the way you treat and get treated by your partner. Take a look…
1. Trying to change each other
The biggest mistake anyone can do is to not accept their partners the way they are. Because change cannot be enforced on people, they've to have that fire for change in them, or else it'll create constant dissatisfaction and accordingly disappointment arrives on your side as well as a firm sense of unworthiness your partner will easily detect from you. If, after you've discovered each other, you can't cope with his/her flaws, just let them be. Don't play the preacher's role and torment each other any longer.
2. Trying to control each other
While brainstorming for this point, I was astonished by how undecided I was when trying to answer who is more of a control freak, men or women? And after going through some of the problems couples sent me, I realized that it's a tie!
Women, whilst being the nurturing mothers they are, overlook the fact that men aren't their children. They can't keep on guiding them, correcting their every breath and monitoring their behavior. Men, on the other side, tend to treat women like their own private property which they've to protect and keep an eye on at all times. Both leading to the same outcome, no personal space, no room for error, no chance to be free again, thus the relationship is no use.
3. Lack of apologizing
With the male ego standing in the way, I can't even begin to tell you how many women suffer from men who can't find it in them to admit they're just wrong. The symptoms for such problem may appear with the woman feeling underappreciated, unworthy, a second-degree being and weak to the core that she has to show apologetic gestures even when it's no fault of her own. Try to picture how destructive and vulnerable a woman may feel when her own man is too arrogant, stubborn and full of himself that he can't show his remorse for anything and you'll see how this alone is enough for a relationship to end.
4. Lack of empathy
To tell you the truth, empathy takes hard concentration to happen as it's against our raw nature. Empathy, in simple terms, is to put yourself in your partner's shoes most of the time. To try to feel his pain, wellness, boredom, interest, confusion, panic, every single feeling he/she expresses on you but from their perspective and point of view. Empathy is the complete opposite of selfishness, to be able to lift the focus off yourself for a while and feel for your soul mate. To try to understand where he/she is coming from will make a hell of a difference in your relationship. Because you'll be dealing with someone who can listen, appreciate, empathize and comfort you.
5. Stubbornness
Trying to have a relationship with someone who always puts your word, action and reaction against his/hers is without a doubt harshly difficult. Trying to communicate with someone spoiled, used to having his/her needs met first thing is impossible. Trying to reach a middle ground with someone who has no other grounds but the one standing on is unreachable. And what's truly defining inflexibility is being unable to tell the difference when negotiating with a man and when talking things through with a woman. At that point the man will run away once he feels he can't win and added to that emasculated. While a woman will try to make it work once, twice and even thrice but when the pushed over puppet feeling sinks in, chances are she'll too walk away.
6. Blames
If you'd ask anyone, what's the one thing annoying about your parents? They'll automatically reply, the constant blaming. No one and I mean not even toddlers like dealing with the whys and the how could you. It's like being with the anti-sinner. We all make mistakes, some of them big that requires ear pulling and some of them are just not worth it. When he calls an hour late, big deal; when she arrives half an hour late, it's what girls do. Stop it with the constant blaming so you don't lose both your credibility and your partner.
7. Expectations
You can easily tell where relationships end by pointing out when expectations begin. Yet, the truth remains that we all have expectations on how to be loved, gestured, surprised and even comforted. But there's also such a thing as loving what you get from your partner that is self-fulfilling and satisfying. Parents- children relationships are ruined forever because of expectations. People walk through life thinking they're not good enough because of expectations. Lovers believe they don't give enough because of expectations. I can't tell you to stop expecting, but I can tell you to ask instead of assume, to see your partner through your eyes and not your heart and to love and appreciate what he/she has to offer and be.
8. Pretending
Why do people pretend to be something they're not?
a. Because they aspire to be someone else but can't afford to do that right now.
b. Because they want to be a part of a world they're fascinated by but isn't for them and they don't realize that yet
c. Because they want to escape a reality they can't change
Why do people pretend to feel something they don't?
a. Because they don't want to go through the hassles of working out their original feeling. (It's easier this way)
b. Because they're opportunists
c. Because they need extra attention.
Either ways, those people will never be trustworthy or reliable partners.
9. Money Talks
I swear I've never seen a couple with messy finances happy. I've never seen a husband happy with a money-nagging wife. And I've never seen a wife happy with a husband who is cheap. That's why I always say keep money miles away from pleasure or if you have to, keep it organized and lucid. There's nothing wrong with signing papers, committing to paying a certain amount of money even when it's less that you can give and nothing is definitely wrong with being honest about your current financial status. Trust me, it'll save you hours of fighting and preserve your image as a providing man and a humble wife.
10. Shadiness
According to John Gray, men when angry, confused or panicking, tend to hide in their caves. Leaving the world behind, especially a confused partner who, according to where they stand in the relationship, might assume he's not that into her, he's no longer interested, he fell out of love with her or the most common assumption he's cheating. Acting shady more than once will definitely place your relationship in jeopardy. Starting with a partner who is tired from trying to please you or get your attention back to the foremost mentioned scenarios. Be as opened as you can be, tell her you need space and hopefully she'll understand. Tell her that you need to figure things out regarding something other than your relationship and she'll be relieved and let you be. Just start communicating instead of evaporating…